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Marriage ending while I'm pregnant

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  • Marriage ending while I'm pregnant

    I need some advice. My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years. We have a 2 year old son together, he has 2 daughters that live with us and I am also pregnant. About 3 months ago, my husband met a girl at work. He told me after the fact that it was like love at first sight. He works out of town, and we had previously discussed the possibility of outside sexual partners. I was under the impression that we would not have any outside partners while I was pregnant, but it was not really discussed. He was open with me about everything about her, wanting to meet up with her, and that if I was not comfortable with them having sex, they would just be friends. But he said that many opportunities don't come along, and if sex came up, he would like to pursue that. He was open with me about their relationship from the start, and I felt like I had to agree, or he would be resentful towards me. He said he wanted to try having an open marriage, and that I should try dating people too to get my mind off of his relationship. I had a hard time with it from the beginning, but tried to adjust my thoughts, thinking I just needed time to get used to the idea. But I was jealous and insecure and paranoid. From the beginning I could see that he was falling fast and hard for her. He did not see this, and eventually he realized that he was emotionally in deeper than he thought. I told him my fears, and he tried to reassure me that he loved me more, and wouldn't leave me, but that he was not willing to give his relationship with her up because I was uncomfortable with it.

    Fast forward to about a month ago, and my jealousy was not subsiding. I was having a really hard time, because he would tell me things, or I would see text messages between them telling each other how much they loved each other. He still would reassure me that he loved me more, but said that he had a passion and a chemistry with her that we never had. I had a hard time controlling my emotions, and would yell at him and tell him that he didn't love me and tell him he had to choose between her and I. Yes, I know this wasn't the best behavior, and have started seeing a counselor for my issues. He came with me to a counseling session and she told him that he couldn't go on stringing both of us along. He was going to hurt one of us, so he needed to choose. He chose her.

    So now that he has chosen to be with her, he says he still loves me and cares about me, but I don't see how he does. I guess I don't grasp the concept how he can love both of us. He says being with her has made him realize how much our relationship was missing. He doesn't want to get divorced because then his daughters will go back to live with their mom, and he is worried about seeing our son and the new baby. So he still comes home every other week to see the kids, but sleeps in the guest room. But we are essentially roommates because he has told his girlfriend that he would be exclusive with her. He says he wants us to be friends

    So I guess my question is, how do I get over him when he is still around? I am having a hard time dealing with it. He doesn't understand why I am having a hard time because he thought I saw that our relationship wasn't very strong, and that I wasn't fully in love with him either. And yes, we had problems, but they weren't something we couldn't have worked out if she had not come into the picture. But now that he sees there is someone out there more suited to him, he doesn't want to try to salvage our relationship (it has been damaged by my jealous outbursts over the last few months). I am terrified to let him go because I do love him, but why do I want to be with someone who loves someone else? He wants us to be friends which means to him that we can talk about everything, but I can't do that. Because I have known about his relationship the whole time, he has told me lots of details about her and their relationship, and I can't stop thinking about them. I just want to move on, but it is very hard to date while you are 6 months pregnant. And then there are the hormones of pregnancy.

    How do I cope with losing him while I am pregnant? Did he cheat on me even though I knew about the relationship and agreed to it in the beginning? How do I deal with the fact that he wants her to be a part of my children's lives and even my life? He wants to be there when the baby is born, but I don't know if I am ok with that. How do I be friends with him while letting go of my love for him?

    Thanks for any advice!

  • Divorce him. If he was truly concerned about his kids then he wouldn't be doing this to his family.


    • Consider that he is not worried about not seeing his children, but having to pay child support for them. Did I read right that his two daughters live with you, even though he is only home every other week? Why are you raising his children half-time? Is there a problem with their mother?

      You would likely benefit from divorce. Two fewer children in your home to take care of (barring the possibility of problems with their mother; maybe you can ally yourself to her to keep the kids in close contact?) No upsetting husband/roommate around, the possibility of moving on ... because as you mentioned, it's difficult to get over him when he's living in your home!

      As to whether he cheated or not, I think it's something you have to decide personally based on your feelings, as it's a gray area. He definitely overstepped the boundaries of what you agreed on. Maybe you can seek counseling to think it over. As far as legal infidelity, you might have a case. Depending on where you live, it may not matter - many states only have no-fault divorce. I'm don't usually advocate for revenge in divorce, but stick it to him if you can. The way he left you high and dry a few months after making a baby with you just rubs me the wrong way.
      <center><i>Nature gives us shapeless shapes,<br>Clouds and waves and flame,<br>But human expectation is that love remains the same,<br>And when it doesn’t, we point our fingers and blame.</i><br><a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/register.php">Register</a>|<a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/members/little.html">Contact Admin</a>|<a href="mailto:support*womens-health.com?subject=Forum Contact">Email Admin</a></center>


      • He chose her.
        In that Simple Statement you have your answer !!!

        Why ever would you let him treat you like a Chattel or Mistress. You are the wife, she is the Mistress.

        I'm with Little on this one.
        The way he left you high and dry a few months after making a baby with you just rubs me the wrong way.
        DITTO !!

        He doesn't want to get divorced because then his daughters will go back to live with their mom and he is worried about seeing our son and the new baby.
        He doesn't want to Divorce, because he will have to pay Child Support for 4 kids to 2 different Mom's and most likely help support his New Girlfriend. The gall of him thinking you will be "Raising his Daughters " while he is Living with and Having Sex with another woman. If he wants to keep his Daughters away from their Mother for some Reason, he needs to move them in with his New Girlfriend.

        I'm sure you love the girls, But it is Not Your Job, it's their Fathers and Mothers Job to raise them .
        Your Job and Responsibility is to your Son and New Child. He needs to be held Responsible for his Decisions.

        You need to Pack his Stuff, tell him to leave, give him 30 days to take care of the Issue with his Daughters and be out of Your Home., Get back into Counseling, see a Lawyer and Start Divorce proceedings.

        I just want to move on, but it is very hard to date while you are 6 months pregnant.
        First you need to Move on without him, without even thinking about Dating anyone else, Pregnant or Not. You need time to Heal and get Healthy. Dating or jumping into another relationship is Not what is Needed.
        You need to realize that You do NOT Need a Man,to be Happy. Especially This Man, as he is Not making you happy now is he ?

        Give Birth to your New baby, take care of your Son and take a good Year off from any relationship other than the one of Mother to your Children.
        Right now he thinks he has it Made, A Wife to raise his Kids, a Mistress to make love with and possibly have a Kid with her . No Responsibility to you other than " Status Qua." He has you bamboozled and he Is Using You . He doesn't Love you. He Loves Her and He is Using you, because he knows he can.

        I'm with Little.. Rarely to I advocate " Revenge " either .But I do Believe that sometimes Justice should be Served with a can of " Whoopazz and payback ".

        This is one of those Times.

        We are here to help you through this .


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