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what were your/your husband's fears about having kids?

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  • what were your/your husband's fears about having kids?

    my boyfriend and i have been together for one year and love each other very much. our relationship is great, we get along perfectly and if thing continue to go well, we could both see getting married. the only thing that worries me is children. i know i want kids in about 7 or 8 years, and he is scared of the idea. hes 27 and im 22...hes a bit immature for his age lol. what he is most worried about is how much money it costs to raise a kid. he lives on his own now, and he sees how tight money can be. he talks about being married and says it would be nice to have two incomes so we can do things together like improve the house, take vacations, etc. all things i am excited for as well. but he knows one of the things im most excited about in marriage is kids. we have discussed before that i have a strong desire for kids, and he does not have that desire. he says he knows he will have them one day, but he isnt dying to have them like i am. i know the desire for men and women is different, so i give him a break on that. ive told him multiple times that i refuse to not have children, and if he really doesnt want them its okay, but he needs to let me know so we can part ways now. he has promised me that he will have them one day, and that if he really couldnt see having kids, he wouldnt be with me. (i would like to note, he has a dog, which he calls his daughter, and i have never seen someone parent an animal like he does lol. he doesnt realize that he will be an excellent father. he may not be able to see it, but i can...that is in him.) anyway, whenever the topic of kids comes up he always makes jokes like "oh, when you have a kid, your money isnt yours anymore, you spend it all on the kid" which is probably pretty much true lol. my question for married ladies with kids is, did your husband have any reservations about children and then come around? if so, what were their worries? providing and money? am i getting ahead of myself in worrying? he has promised me one day if we get married we will have kids, so should i relax and let everything fall into place? i know for some people its hard to imagine such a different life for yourself, but after the years pass and the time comes for children, it just finally makes sense. i just wish i could make him see that children are a blessing and if you love someone, one of the most wonderful things you can do is make a family with them. any advice for this worrywart?

  • Hi! We have one little boy and another baby on the way. You are really wise to be talking about this now. Providing for a family is an understandable concern, especially for men, but it is definately possible and, imo, completely worth it. I wouldn't trade being a mom for anything. Like you, this was something I knew I wanted before I married, and we talked about it beforehand to make sure we were on the same page. My husband did want to have kids - it was a "dealbreaker" for me too.

    YES, it does make you prioritize your spending and think about someone else's needs above your own. Marriage itself is a huge lesson in sacrifice, and having kids takes that to a whole new level. But I truly believe some of life's greatest joys come not from what I obtain for myself, but from what I give and invest into the lives of others.

    How each of you views money - spending, saving, etc. will impact your future, regardless of whether or not you have kids. Look at how you view it now - is it similar, different, are you each savers/spenders... this is another aspect of your relationship to really examine together. None of that will magically change once you are married. You have set patterns and you'll have to decide which ones you're willing to change. "Becoming One" isn't for wimps, but again, when you take the time to talk it thru, be honest, and even bring someone into your relationship - like a pastor or counselor, who can ask you both hard questions and give good advice, marriage and parenting can become two of the greatest blessings you'll ever experience.


    • I (male) was very uneasy about having kids, created a huge strain in our marriage, and eventually we ended up without kids. We did take in a foster child for a year, and that was a very eye-opening experience. Now years later and in retrospect I think we both feel it was the right choice for us. In any case the issues for me were:

      1. It is a HUGE commitment, unlike anything else you ever do. You can change houses, jobs, cities, friends. You can even get divorced if your marriage doesn't work out. To me though a child is a lifelong commitment that can never be broken. It is a choice that can never be undone.

      2. Your life changes. Having kids does not give you the life you had but with kids around, it gives you a whole new life - as I've seen from several friends. This can be OK, but I've seen many people have kids expecting life to go on as it has been, and it just doesn't.

      3. The emotional commitment. Without kids, my wife is the most important thing in the world to me. I may need to work, help friends, etc, but when push comes to shove, when it really matters, she gets the priority. With a child, that child gets the priority - and there will be times where there is a conflict.

      4. The time commitment. Children need attention. This is one of the great things about kids is that you do get to give them attention, but at the same time, your partner, your work, your friends will all get less.

      5. Costs. Children are expensive - I've seen numbers like a quarter million$ to raise a kid. Lost time from work, or day care. Clothes, toys. College. In some sense even more expensive, once you have kids there is an expectation that you will leave your money to them, not run it out as you age. My wife and I feel quite wealthy relative to our friends: we travel all over the world, eat great food, have all sorts of great toys, etc. A week in the Alps, or in a Hawaii resort, or Hong Kong is just sort of a one-week lark that we do whenever we feel like it. Yet, if we add up everything we have spent on entertainment, it is much less than it would have cost to have kids.

      All that said, many people are gloriously happy with their kids, think it is the best thing that has ever happened to them. I fully support that and think that kids are fantastic for many, probably most people. Just make the decision with open eyes.

      Some people are not happy. I know two women who have confided in me that while they love their kids, they wish that they could have their own lives back.

      Consider taking in a shelter-care foster child (we did). Spend 6 months or a year with a child in the house and see what it is like - while doing a good deed for a child in serious need of help.

      Finally - No one should be pressured either way on this, or the one who gives in may regret it for the rest of their lives. Discuss - really find out what each of you think. If in the end you want different things, then go your separate ways. Far far better for each of you to find someone compatible than to one or both of you to live with a life-long decision that you don't agree with.


      • If you look at the two replies you have got so far, you will see a difference. The person with children is the one where both partners wanted to have them. The one who does not have children is the one who was uneasy about having them. I think you will find this is true a lot of times, but to be fair a lot of times when one comes along unexpectedly, the partner who is unsure ends up loving the child and may become enthusiastic about having more.

        In my opinion it would be best to find someone who definitely wants to have children. I can see putting it off for a few years to become more mature so you don't later feel that part of your life was taken away and you didn't have as much fun as you wanted.

        Costs are always there for everything. There is an opportunity cost for having children and one for not having them. Make your choices wisely, budget for things and live the life you want or can make.
        I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
        Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

        From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


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