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My husband of 35 years is online dating and denying and denying.

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  • My husband of 35 years is online dating and denying and denying.

    My marriage of 35 years is based on a solid friendship with a lot of affection. I know he loves me and I love him. We have three grown kids. We have one grandchild and another coming and I know keeping his family together is very important to him as he came from a broken home. My husband has had two major affairs that almost broke our marriage up. However, we managed to get through these and came back together. I filed for a divorce: he begged me to stay. While it was awful, we decided to stay and work on the marriage and we moved forward. During the time we were separated, he began online dating. In some ways we became closer and almost stronger after going through this. think he knew how much he had damaged me and having chosen to stay he made a renewed committment to stay married and to make our lives work.

    However, I recently have realized that he never stopped his activity on line and I suspect has even met some of his "friends" . Years ago when we first reunited I found he was meeting women at Starbucks and then after a while he would just dissapear. I actually communicated with one of the women at the time. She said he just stopped calling and she had suspected he was in a relationship because he was never available at night. She said they had never been intimate...they hadn't gotten there yet.

    I thought it was the "game" that inticed him. I confronted him and he denied and denied it but then in a moment of weekness agreed it was stupid and I thought it had ended as our relationship has continued to remain solid and happy other wise.

    How far these on line relationships have gone...I just don't know. He is home every night. He is works from home and while I cannot account for every hour of every day...For the most part he is always accountable. However he does spend hours and hours on the computer. "working". He must be careful utilizing private browsing because none of this comes up in the history. I have found two profiles on Match with no picture but that fit him to a T. I have also reason to believe that he has been seen at a starbucks by friends with a woman although my friends have only hinted at it and won't come forth. (very damaging in and of itself).

    I am 58 years old. I am in pretty good shape. I take care of myself. We are not as sexually active as we used to be but we are very affectionate. I think he is very aware that he is aging and maybe is looking for confirmation that he can still play the game. I do not think he is looking for a "relationship" but if 'casual sex" was available...I am sure he would not say no. This is very scary not just because of the threat to our marriage and the STD's but there is also the risk that it becomes a "relationship". He is attracted by younger women all the time. He tries to be discreet. He also does look at porn and sites with Escorts and has done that for years. I have become almost numb to all of this. Its like my tears are drying up.

    Can I really choose to live this way? What is wrong with me? Everything else in our marriage is so good. We have quite a number of assets and share a love of our family. We are getting older. We were entering a retirement stage where we would be enjoying life and relaxing and traveling and enjoyiing our family. We are building a house for our retirement. So many good things! So how come he needs this? Is it an addiction? Is he our relationship lacking? Are some men never ment to be monogamous? Crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Help please. I need advice and no longer can trust my friends and don't want to as they are also in most cases "our friends".

  • Originally posted by Damasa View Post
    We are not as sexually active as we used to be but we are very affectionate.
    How was your sex life before and how is it now (how often, how intense, how long, how much foreplay, how much teasing, etc.)? Is it adequate, too much or too little for you? For your husband? How about touching, hugging and kissing?

    What were your husband's affairs based on? Being able to get away with it? Narcissism? Power? Casual friendship that turned sexual? What?
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


    • I guess my question is as his wife, you know when he is home and not home.

      The internet is one thing, real time is another.

      You know of the porn sites and escort sites, for years. I assume that you felt it was purely the Internet ?

      Now you feel maybe not.

      Some men are content with just looking and it means nothing to them, they are visual people but would never cheat.

      What makes you feel that there are two lives there all of a sudden, I appreciate you found more things but I think with us knowing if he has the opportunities as well, not just motive it may help.

      Do you also feel loved? You advise that you still feel attractive which is awesome.

      We are over 50 trust me.


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