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why do i put up with this and why can't i leave

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  • why do i put up with this and why can't i leave

    My husband and I don't have much of a marriage and plus I am being abused, mistreated, disrespected and letting him control my life, but for some reason I am having a hard time leaving him. I don't need to be dealing with this when I am only 29 and I know I deserve a lot better. I also don't need to be wasting my life away in a bad marriage, but why can't I leave? The only thing he does for the marriage is go to work every day to of course earn the money and pay the bills. That's it. I do everything else. I do everything for him, but I can't get anything in return. I of course cook, clean, and do all the yard work. I also have to constantly get him clean clothes to wear, I give him hair cuts, and tons of other things. He hardly has sex with me, he pushes me away quite a bit, he doesn't take me out, and we also never do anything together except maybe jog around the neighborhood. The words "I'm sorry" are not a part of his vocabulary because he never says it and never tries to comfort me when I am upset. His theory in life is if some one tries to insult him or hurt him he takes revenge by turning on them. For instance, yesterday when I told him that he was scatter brained he thought I was insulting him so he got mad and called me a b-tch in return for what I said. Another time he had punched in the arm when I was trying to tease him and play around with him. When he did I told him he should never lay a hand on a woman like that his reponse was that, that was stupid and that he didn't know where I was getting it from. He threatens to leave me and threatens to take off his wedding ring or actually takes it off quite a bit. Yesterday he told me that if I get my tongue pierced he would leave me because he thinks the people with body piercings and tattoos are lower class idiots who drink and smoke so if I get it done he thinks I will start hanging out them and start hanging out with the wrong crowd. He also disapproves of it. He thinks it will change me. Even though he disapproves I think he should let me do it if I am very sure about getting it, if I am not going to have seconds thoughts, and if it will make me happy. I also think he should just learn how to accept it if its what I really want to do. I think he has no reason to leave if I want another piercing. I think he should only leave if I was treating him bad, cheating on him, or doing something else that is awful. I don't think a tongue ring will change me and that the only change is that I will have a new piercing. I will still be the same person. I think he is controlling my life by not letting me do it. Another instance is when I told him that maybe we shouldn't have a baby because of my seizure disorder. He said if I didn't want one then he would leave me and go find another girl to have a baby with because he definitely wants some. I think its a lie when he says he wants kids because he is not putting in any effort to make it happen. He hardly gives me any sex and does not want to get checked out for a possible fertility problem. God help me.

  • DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS PERSON! I can't emphasize that enough. Once you have children you will be trapped.

    He is an abuser, there is no reason for you to stay with him. This is not what a relationship should be like and not what most are like.


    • Some people are in-capable of love. I'd check his background and you can bet that there was a huge problem with him, with some woman, maybe his mother and from there he has never been able to give love.

      He is an abuser. He wants that woman who does all the cleaning, cooking, etc after all he's paying for it right? He has the wage. But, no way will he love you, sex also is love or can be construed as such obviously and should be, by a woman in marriage .

      We get stuck, think there is nothing out there, we get secure, think we can't support ourselves, that is why you are still with him.

      So what are you going to do about it? You had goals, dreams, ONCE, there are still there.


      • tmy, look up Schizophrenia in Wikipedia. It says: Schizophrenia (/ˌskɪtsɵˈfrɛniə/ or /ˌskɪtsɵˈfriːniə/) is a mental disorder characterized by a breakdown of thought processes and by a deficit of typical emotional responses. This is part of the reason your husband is the way he is.
        I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
        Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

        From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


        • Tmy ( Tara)
          Honey this has been going on for a couple of years at Least !!
          There are posts from back in 2011, all the same issues that are not getting any better and they most likely Never will get better.

          We here at WH have tried to help you,the past couple of Years.And will Continue to as long as you need us ..
          All have given Heartfelt Advise.

          Many have said for you to seek and have/help him get help. Real Help !!
          Rather than saying that you are better off just Leaving him.
          Most have Advised you NOT to have a Child with this man.. Until he is Healthy, Medically, Emotionally, Mentally and Physically.

          He is Abusive and Controlling, from what you say. You do Not Deserve this in any way. But ... You are the Only one who can Stop this Abuse.The Only One that can take yourself away from it, The Only One to Remove Yourself from his Control.

          The Issues now should NOT be if he will " Allow " you to have another Piercing or call you Stupid for DVD's he buys you that you Watch or if You have Sex with him and If he or you want a Child. ( Past Posts ) . That are Sadly Repeated and Repeated year by tear and Tear by Year .

          The Issue Now Should Be,
          How you are going to Cut this Cancerous part of your Life Completely Out and have a Chance to Live a Healthier and Happier Life ?

          And Maybe have a Child that you can Love and Raise with a Person that will be a Loving and Supportive and Partner .

          Again Sweetie.
          You need to Look Out for You First. Your Seizure Disorder and any and all other Health/ Emotional/ Mental and Physical Problem's. Come later . Much Later


          • Maybe start with some baby steps, make your life and yourself a little bit more independant. Go out more and meet new people, join clubs etc. That way your entire focus isn't on HIM, but on making yourself happy with the things you love to do. You might still be with him but you'll live a far happier life if you had something else to focus on.


            • The reason I will post the same things is because I am venting and looking for friends to turn to. I was thinking about all of this recently and it of course upset me so I wanted to come on here to talk. I like to come on here to talk whenever I am upset about something that he did. Without you guys I have no one else to talk to. I don't want tell my parents. I will maybe only tell them if I ever get up the courage to leave. I only have two friends. One of them doesn't want to hear it because he likes to stay out of others people's business especially when it come marriage problems. He thinks thats for a marriage counsler or a therapist or something. The other one doesn't really say much if I talk to her about it. I had a malaysian friends who was a really good listener and always gave me great advice even though I might have repeated some things. Unfortunatley we're not friends anymore. I guess I am looking for another friend who is like her.


              • I wasn't being critical Tmy.

                We all need a " Sounding off place ". What I'm trying to get through is that You are Unhappy, you have been for quite some time. But it won't get better until you do something about it. Venting is one thing and helpful in some ways. But it will do nothing to change how your life is.

                Only your doing something about it .. Will change the Situation.

                You need to talk with someone close to you.I would recommend your Parents.Talk with them, let them know how unhappy you are,see if they have any options that can help you leave this situation. As you said, you are too young to live your life like this.

                It's Your Choice to Live like this or to get out and live a better life. It's time to seek some help from your Family. We are here to Support you, but we can't truly " help " you , until you Help Yourself .

                You can Do This !!! A Better Life awaits you, You just have to make that Decision and Act on it.

                Wishing you the Best and that you find the Strength to Chose a Much better Life for yourself .


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