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No more sex

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  • No more sex

    My husband and I have been married about a year and a half been together for a little over 2 years. No kids and I'm 30 and he's 26. This is both our second marriage. Prior to getting married we had sex all the time. Then it started to slowly decline with him having periods of not wanting sex. When I asked him about it he said he didn't really know why but was stressed at work. My husband is active duty and was about to deploy for the third time. Things got better and then my husband deployed but came home after a month. Due to the financial strain of me moving home and having to come back after only a month we took on 2 roommates, good friends of his from his unit both of which I am friends with. He's been home for 6 mo now and we rarely have sex anymore. When I asked him about it he said that he feels guilty because one if our roommates is going through divorce and the others wife chose to stay home since her husband gets out in march and they planned to live back home. Since neither of my roomies can have sex I guess my husband feels like he can't either. But it doesn't explain his lack of desire when they're not home. He's been tested for low t but he's normal. I rarely bring it up anymore because it makes him feel bad, especially since the lack of sex was a huge factor in my last marriage. All we really do these days is watch tv or I watch him play video games. We are struggling financially so he could be stressing over that. He is affectionate and I know he loves me but the lack of sex is frustrating. He says its not me and that he's attracted to me but I don't feel it. I'm so lost. Do I just wait this out?

  • Sex is really important to a happy marriage. Is he willing to seek counseling?


    • Stress and finances can be major contributors in the loss of sex drive. Having housemates doesn't leave much room for intimacy if he is an extremely private guy. Further, the feelings of camaraderie and solidarity could leave him not wanting to show them up with a normal married life while they don't have the same. The anxiety and uncertainty of being deployed probably doesn't help.

      The low sex drive resulting from all of the factors is not something he can turn off and on. I would expect at least a little of it is diverted toward the video games. The fact is that some guys don't have much of a sex drive past the new relationship stage.

      The easy answer is to get rid of the aggravating factors. That would probably mean leaving the military and getting a reasonably paying job so finances and housing issue change for the better. That may not be what he wants to do and he may feel resentful if he is pressured into doing it, whether it be by you or the circumstances. Further, even if he was now living a dream life, it may not bring back the sex drive that he had during the time you were dating and newly married.
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


      • its a matter of communicating..ask him why?maybe he is just tired of his work...whatever his reason,just try to understand him.


        • It also sounds like the communication is breaking down. You said all you do together is watch TV or watch him play video games. Do you communicate about much outside neutral or negative topics, the finances, the roommates, the sex life, etc? You said your first marriage ended due to lack of sex. You may see it that way. I`m speaking from experience, it was probably a lack of intimacy stemming from the lack of sex. My husband went back and forth for about five years like that. I`m not going to tell the whole story again. I learned that the quality of your marriage is heavily dependent on the quality of your sex life. At first it seemed counterintuitive, but over time I realized that you can`t have emotional intimacy/security without physical intimacy.

          Eventually, I got so sick of the the rollercoaster our marriage had become that the only solution was to talk to him. Not just about the surface issues but to communicate honestly about all of the issues. I think that`s what you need to do.
          It sounds like he may be depressed, depression can kill the sex drive. Why did he return home after only a month of deployment? Was he injured, discharged, etc?
          Would he be willing to see a psychiatrist? The video games may be his way escaping the situation.


          • I'm active duty myself (female) been in a good while, on my second deployment, and I will tell you this much- saying he feels guilty bc his buddies can't have sex is bull crap. First, I'm sure he has friends that are still deployed- is he going to be celibate until every last one gets laid? Seriously that's ludicrous. And the friend going through a divorce, while legally isn't allowed to, can totally go out an meet a girl to hook up with if he wanted to. He's getting divorced he can sleep with whoever. I've known hundreds of military men and while they might play wingman, get their friends laid, and generally stick together I've ever heard of one (especially as young as 26) saying he feels too guilty over their lack of sex lives to enjoy his own.

            Along with that comes YOUR needs. He's basically saying that his need to support his friends lack of sex by sacrificing his own is also worth sacrificing YOUR needs and happiness. No one asked if you care if they are getting any. He is putting the imagined feelings of his friends over the very real feelings of his wife. Obviously it's hurting you if you came here to talk about it. But he's saying how you feel about it matters less than "being there" for his friends.

            I don't know what it is exactly- maybe it's stress over finances, the mental issues of multiple deployments, medical issues, etc but I don't think it's what he says it is.

            You guys need to see a couples therapist and he needs to be honest before this gets even worse and costs you your marriage.


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