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Really need help here!!!

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  • Really need help here!!!

    This is going to be a long post…
    I got on this site because I do not know what to do anymore. I have been married for 5 years now(married at 19 and him 21). We got married 6 months after we met because I found out I was pregnant. Although I was pregnant and we rushed into marriage, I thought he was the one. Ever since the beginning we did not have sex a lot and when I mean a lot, I mean maybe once a week. I did not know any better because I had only been with 4 other people intimately before and honestly two were not relationships. I had also never had an orgasm until I got pregnant with my first pregnancy.

    During my first pregnancy I gained over 100 lbs because of preeclampsia and other complications. After that we did not have sex but maybe 1 or 2 times every two months. It made me depressed and I gained another 60 lbs because I felt like I wasn’t good enough for him. I felt unattractive and him telling me that I need to lose weight and that I am not the person he married anymore made me feel so bad about myself. When my husband got orders to deploy it gave me a reason to be better… if there was a chance I could lose him, I wanted to be the best I could be when he got back. So I started exercising 4 to 5 months before he left. I lost 50 lbs during that time. I found out shortly after he left I was pregnant again. During my second pregnancy I actually lost a lot of weight I lost another 60 lbs. I had my son 11 months ago and I have only lost 5 more lbs but I am only 40 lbs over weight (or from my target weight) compared to 160 lbs over weight. I figured that our sex life would get better.

    We are back to 1 or 2 times a week but I am not happy. I want more. I want a girl to come into the mix, I want kink, I want to be chained, I want experiences. I express things to him and he says that I make him feel like he isn’t good enough for me. He says I am a sex addict because I want sex more than he does. I don’t know what to do.

    I try to explain that I have fun with him and that he gives me orgasms but the same things all the time gets old. He also can only go for maybe 15 minutes and he says he can not go more than once in one night. He goes to the gym all the time, its not like he isn’t fit enough.

    He never makes out with me unless we are getting ready to have sex and that’s minimal. He does not like me coming on to him. He wants to be the one that comes to me but if I let him do that we will never have sex. He never says I am sexy, he says I am cute or gorgeous. I told him I like the work sexy or to be called names in bed but he wont do it. He says that I am classier than that but I feel its an excuse. I have even tried talking dirty to him in bed, which has actually made him go faster so then I am not satisfied. I need more and I feel like I am going crazy. He says that he is already giving me more sex than we used to so I should be happy and he doesn’t understand what I expect from him.

    Sex isn’t the only problems in our relationship but we have been working on the others and it seems like sex is a big one for me.

    (I know its wrong but I recently started talking to an old boyfriend to just talk about things… he said he doesn’t think its right… he has opened my eyes up to things that I may be interested in sexually that my husband would not do at all…)

    I try to satiate myself by playing with myself but its not good enough. You fantasize for so long and then what?

    What do I do?

  • Please go see a couples counselor with training in sex therapy/sexual issues. Even if your husband won't go, you can still go alone and get some help.

    STOP talking to your ex-boyfriend immediately. That is disrespectful to your husband and your marriage and NOTHING good will come of it.


    • Disrespectful to talk... okay... so this is my problem? Even after he cheats on me in tech school and I forgive him and after he watches porn when he knows I do not agree(at least without me that is), talking to an ex which he knows I talk to(doesnt know I talk about him and I but here nor there) ....thanks for your input.
      Last edited by d.e.w.4.wild; 09-24-2013, 01:34 PM.


      • Are you offended by Pollon's advice or am I misinterpreting your tone?
        Because what Pollon says is very similar to what I would advise, but I would add details.

        However, I'm not going to do that if you aren't sincerely seeking opinions and feedback here.


        • No I was just unsure why I didnt get detailed advice and was trying to give feedback on why I didnt see a problem talking to an ex... I want advice and dont have time or the money to go to a counselor.. thats why I chose to come on here.


          • If I'm understanding correctly where things are now, you are interested in more frequent and more varied sex than your husband. I assume that you are willing to do the things that he wants in bed, but he isn't particularly interested in doing everything that you want.

            Unfortunately this isn't uncommon - you might look up old threads here on the topic. There have been a ton of posts by men and women who's partners are not very interested in sex. I know from personal experience that it is miserable - makes you feel unwanted, unsatisfied and frustrated. The really unfortunate news is that in many cases it doesn't get better. (I was very lucky, but many people have gone decades this way) .

            You have a high and varied interest in sex. That is great, something that many people would appreciate, but unfortunately your husband isn't one of them. In fact you seem on somewhat opposite ends of the spectrum - he wants occasional quick vanilla sex, you want 3-somes, chains, and I suspect a variety of other things. Since you are so far apart it isn't likely that he will change enough for you. My wife an I were not that far apart, and while she is now interested in fairly frequent sex, she is still much less into exotic activities than I am, and that will probably always be true.

            So, you need to think really hard about what you want and what is important and choose.

            You can live as you are. Maybe you can convince him to change a bit, or maybe counseling or something will help, but it seems unlikely that he will ever want to be as kinky as you are. You will be stuck with fantasy and maybe porn. If the rest of your relationship is great, this may be OK - no relationship is perfect in all ways.

            You can try to convince him to open the relationship so that you can indulge your fantasies with other men or other women. Sadly since he isn't very sexually open himself, he is very unlikely to think this is OK - and there is a good chance he would get very offended. Very unfortunate since it could solve your problem.

            You can cheat on him. For a while this will get you what you want, but eventually you are almost certain to be found out and the relationship will end. I think people's comments about not talking to an old boyfriend are because you are very likely to cheat with a man who will offer all these things that you have been missing. You are only human and you are setting yourself up for irresistible temptation.

            You can leave and find someone with more compatible sexual interests.

            NONE OF THESE ARE GOOD. You truly have my sympathy because I don't see a good way out. I guess that if you are really happy in other parts of the relationship it may be worth sticking out, but otherwise I think that difficult as it is, you may want to leave.


            • I have some thinking to do..Our marriage is chaos but we have two little ones... we have very little in common... I am supposed to be a stay at home mom and do online classes, he has mild OCD so cleaning is horrible with two little ones.. We try very hard to be what each other wants.. I love him and I have tried so hard to be perfect for him for so long that I feel trapped... we discussed divorce last year but he told me I would never find anyone else that would put up with my attitude, I wouldnt find anyone better than him, and that I better lose my weight. I thought maybe if we had a healthier sex life it might change things.. I have thought about some of the things you suggested... I actually did suggest an open marriage a couple months ago and he was very offended and then he said he wanted me to be happy and said okay... 3 days later he changed his mind... thank you for your input
              Last edited by d.e.w.4.wild; 09-24-2013, 07:13 PM. Reason: spelling correction


              • Think of it this way, you don't have the time or money NOT to see a counselor. Many community organizations and churches offer free or low cost counseling services for those in need. Make some phone calls and see what's available in your area.
                This problem will take work and time to solve. It's an investment of time and a commitment to make your future a better one. So whether you choose counseling or not, sacrificing some time and a little money to work on this is needed. Take a weekend away or whatever you need to be one on one, communicate deeply and honestly and decide together if this is a workable problem or not.

                I think in this predicament, counseling is your best option. It's a healthy thing and you both may improve personally as well as your marital relationship.
                There are other issues you two probably need to deal with, such as his past infidelity.

                The other options, mostly those mentioned above, are not healthy and really won't make you happy or better off long term. They may bring satisfaction in the moment, by relieving your tension.

                The fact that you are discussing your marital problems with an ex, whom you have an emotional (&sexual??) Attachment to, tells me that you're opening yourself up for infidelity whether intentionally or not. It isn't a good choice if saving your marriage is high priority. I understand you need to vent-get things off your chest. Talk to a girlfriend, or a counselor.
                I also think this ex is easy to talk to, because he says what you want to hear. He, of course, agrees with your points of view. He isn't exactly an unbiased unmotivated listener.

                There is nothing wrong with what you want and need from a sexual relationship. There's nothing wrong with your husband's either. Avoid getting into this wrong and right/good or better thing...its just different and the objective is to find a way that you both can be a little better satisfied.

                Good luck.


                • Talked to my mom about my problems finally.. she said to stop telling him what I want and ask him if there is anything he wants.. I did and well :-)


                  • Does the smile mean that things have improved?


                    • It doesnt happen that fast but line of communication has


                      • It's wonderful that you have tried a different approach and it made a constructive difference. Congratulations!!! That is not easy to do.

                        As you've described, your marriage is in serious jeopardy as is the well-being of your children. The many issues around boundaries, sexual function, trust, etc. are beyond what can really be addressed in this forum so I would really encourage you to seek some professional help.

                        As atskitty pointed out, there are resources for low cost counseling. If necessary, ask your family for help to pay.

                        The costs of divorce, two households, attorneys, etc. along with the pain inflicted on everyone--especially the kids-- make a few hundred or even thousand dollars a bargain by comparison.

                        Good luck


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