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Spouse has a female friend I dislike

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  • Spouse has a female friend I dislike

    She's been his friend since they were 15 or 16 years old. He is twenty six now. Her best friend was my spouses brother, whom she ended up marrying last year but they are now separated and are getting a divorce. They had a daughter together. I should mention that they lived with us for four months right before they got married. I had to set a date for them to move out because they were living here for free and I had enough (wanted my house/privacy back). We live in different states, but he keeps in touch with her through Facebook messenger. His excuse is that she has his niece plus they've been friends for years.
    I know for a fact the woman does not like me and I don't like her either. We had a couple disagreements while they lived with us (like her smoking while pregnant...). Before they got separated, they came to visit us and stayed over night. Her husband got drunk and went to bed. Meanwhile, me, my spouse and her were in the kitchen. They were having a great time talking, laughing, lots of eye contact... I was just sitting there listening. Didn't really talk much because for one I don't like her. Anyways, what bothered me is that my spouse didn't really acknowledge my presence that whole time. Like, he never made eye contact with me while they were talking, it was as if I wasn't there. Isn't this kind of disrespectful? I understand they're old friends and they were catching up on things but he made me feel less important and I started crying and went into the other room. He heard me crying and went to talk to me and calm me down telling me how much he loves me and I'm the one he loves, etc.
    A couple months later she ends up separating from my spouses brother and seeks my spouse for emotional support. They were talking almost everyday for at least a month until I scared her off and she quit calling him so much because I picked up the phone one time. I don't know if I'm just being paranoid about the whole situation, but what am I supposed to think when I hear my spouse talking in his sleep and says, "She's fu****ing with my brother, hahaha, nooo, noooo". It sounded to me like he has a platonic thing going on for her. I should mention she is into open relationships and has a free love/hippy attitude. He messaged her for Mothers day and then the last time he called her again after Mothers day was this past Monday 6/12. So, they went about a month without speaking to each other, but yet it bothers me that he still needs to contact her!

  • #2
    Did they ever have a romantic relationship or either of them wanted that before?

    I sort of think you're insecure and you can work on that. Without knowing more details, it's possible that there's more going on , but based on what you shared, it seems your distrust and insecurity are getting the best of you.

    Discuss it with him. Have you shared your feelings with him, aside from that one night?

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    • #3
      You're caught in a difficult situation. Your spouse is being incredibly selfish. Blanking you and having a laugh with this friend is wrong on so many levels. You're his wife, yet he treats you like you're insignificant. You have every right to be angry and upset. You need to tell him this. I don't think you're being a jealous banshee: I think you've got every right to have words with him. I am not saying he has no right to friends: female or male. But blanking you is not on. Just say you're upset and only want a happy relationship where he does not behave so rudely. Of course, he has the right to female friends but not at your detriment.

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      • #4
        As a matter of fact they actually DID date for two weeks back when they were 15 or so. He told me this. He said it didnt mean nothing really because they did it just to make her ex jealous (some dude that was a friend of theirs). And he said all they did while they dated was kiss, but who knows what else happened there.
        When I sort of told him how I feel about him not giving me attention while with his friends, he said he cant give me all the attention all the time. (?). And when I told him I know she doesn't get along with me, he said "you need to understand there's gonna be people out there that are not going to like you. Not everyone is going to like you and you shouldn't worry about what others think...". But I was talking about her, NOT everyone else.
        She is also kind of into witchery and spells and the occult and what not. Which bothers me because who knows what she might do if she doesn't like me but yet likes him as her friend. I don't trust her.

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        • #5
          If you are going to sit in a room with people, having a conversation or joking or whatever, and not participate because you don't like someone, why is that his responsibility? If it were me, I'd be upset at you for avoiding and ignoring my friends, and behaving as you did.

          Why are you making your feelings his problem? Then you go into another room crying, to be sure to divert attention away from her. I think that's childish and it wouldn't have worked on me.

          It's OK not to like someone, but that doesn't mean we don't treat them with courtesy and respect. Especially when in your own home.

          If you choose to allow your jealousy and insecurity to guide you, those will be your consequences to manage.

          It could be that she has some feelings for him, but it doesn't seem to me, at this point, that he is interested in her romantically.
          I think you're going to do more damage to this marriage than she will, if you cannot muster up some courage to be the bigger person and the more mature adult and manage this as a friendship until there's real evidence to the contrary.

          It seems to me, You're allowing your emotions to rule your better senses dear.
          Take a step back, remove the jealous parts and fears. Talk to your husband.
          What is your relationship like otherwise? Why do you not trust him?

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          • #6
            welcome to the forum melanie!

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            • #7
              To answer your questions, atskitty2, our relationship at the moment has improved quite drastically. This incident happened back in March. I know it's me overthinking things sometimes. I thought answering your question would be easy, but I honestly don't know why I insist in not trusting him. This July it will be five years since we've been together. We have two little boys, we love with all our hearts. I've been to therapy. We've been to couples therapy. I probably need medication... I don't know. My therapist did recommend me to speak to a psychiatrist and perhaps get meds. I haven't done that because I was breastfeeding and didn't want to take meds, but I'm done with breastfeeding and will look into going to speak with the psychiatrist because My jealousy and trust issues have been going on for awhile.
              About the age difference, yes I'm a "cougar", lol but I don't think that's the issue in our relationship. Thank you ladies so much for talking to me. It means a whole lot to me.

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              • #8
                Well, Hon, I don't think medication is the answer for these issues. I think possibly a new counselor is a consideration.
                You cannot, or shouldn't try perhaps, to medicate away trust issues or jealousy. What happens when you stop meds, IF they work at all?

                Geez, that's so frustrating that your counselor suggested that.

                Well, first of all I thank you for accepting my thoughts, that would be considered by some as harsh comments on my post to you. Not my intention to be critical of you or discouraging in any way. I'm happy it wasn't perceived that way.

                These are likely deeply rooted for you, in your mind and how you perceive things. Nothing wrong with you, but there are better ways of managing life and relationships. A really good counselor would be teaching you skills for managing these types of issues in your life, rather than attempting to mask through medications. That's my advice-find a better counselor who can help you put those tools in the toolbox. It takes work but you can do this without drugs. Obviously if you have seen counselors before, you're open to working through problems and have some level of commitment to self care.

                I think that's the key. Generally I think if not this girl, the issues will take shape in some other place in your lives. These are diversions from your marriage and working together. Don't allow it to have weight more than it has already.
                It's hard. So much easier said than done. But focusing on the root issues will bring about much greater results in the long run

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Melanie O View Post
                  About the age difference, yes I'm a "cougar", lol but I don't think that's the issue in our relationship.
                  that's good then


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                  • #10
                    I can't say the others are wrong here........... because I'm sure there are some insecurity issues. Most of us have them to some extent. BUT, when you're with someone for a long time, you learn all of their little ways, their body language, what it means, etc. It is absolutely normal to have heightened concern when you see those subtleties being displayed for someone else. Especially if that someone is someone your significant other devotes a lot of time and attention to.

                    Your mistrust of her could be insecurity, but it could also be intuition. I have felt insecure about certain females before in my past, and no matter how crazy the guy tried to make me think I was at the time, I ended up being right in the long run despite how badly I did not want to be.

                    If you don't like her, and she doesn't like you, then to me it is disrespectful of your husband to bring her into your home. If it was just a matter of you not liking her then that would be one thing. But when he KNOWS she doesn't like you either, bringing her into your home, ignoring you while he focuses solely on her, and expecting you to act like Miss Merry Sunshine is just disrespectful.

                    Do you find yourself super jealous in other areas of your relationship? If not, don't blame this all on yourself. Listen to your intuition.
                    "Be what you're looking for."

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                    • #11
                      Well, she came over for just one night with her husband because we were their final stop till the end of their road trip. They were in the process of moving and just came to say good byes and what not.
                      He has done this before. Probably a couple more times. Ironically it only happens with females around, but not every female. I just feel like he doesn't appreciate my presence. I mean he's an extrovert and i'm an introvert. I know its not his job to include me in every conversation when with a group of people, but it would be nice for him to not completely ignore me and not even make eye contact. I know people notice it. They probably think, "jes' poor thing,, her man don't even pay her any attention".

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                      • #12
                        Melanie.....do you think it could be an extrovert/introvert thing
                        as I am an introvert and know when we've been at parties and I ask husband to stay with me but he inevitably disappears and it is scary to an introvert to be around more than one person sometimes
                        possibly you felt ignored by husband and he was doing what was expected when having company.....engaging with the company as you could have, also except it is more difficult for an introvert to do so
                        if you were able to engage and be an active part of conversation, you would not feel ignored by husband but instead appreciate the company for the short time they are there
                        and if you did, it would give you positive things to talk about after............

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                        • #13
                          Hey Amy40, I'm sure that's part of the issue. Me being an introvert does not help the situation. Thankfully our relationship has improved, but in the back of my mind there's always a doubt. I feel like he is a good liar. Like I believe he's cheated on me, but I have no proof except for the signs a liar gives when you ask them a question (get mad, change conversation, etc).
                          I was looking through his searches on facebook. It's not something I usually do...), and I found a few females he searched. Local females from the town we live in! We have the same friends in this town. Who are these women and why did he look them up is what I would like to ask him. But, of course its going to start an argument and Im not looking forward to it...

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                          • #14
                            Hi Melanie. I have a longstanding female friend with whom I've never been romantic, though we used to be close. We live several states apart and haven't seen each other in many years. My partner is as rational and clear-minded a person as I've ever met, but she just doesn't like this. Based on my experience, I feel your jealousy is natural.

                            We can't help our feelings, but we can choose our behavior. So to an extent, I agree with atskitty. However I also agree with Beautiful. You are your husband's wife; she is his friend. Your feelings about the situation should weigh a lot in his judgment of how much space that relationship takes up in his life.

                            About your husband looking up women: that doesn't feel so good to me, but men fantasize in many ways. Looking up women could just be adding detail to his fantasies. Thinking about a woman who might actually have sex with him can be very exciting for a man and yet have no other significance, not indicate a desire or plan to actually do that.

                            What worries me most about all you've said is that your relationship seems to be wearing thin. None of the other stuff is disaster material, but when a man disses his wife in front of another woman, and a wife snoops in her husband's private stuff, that's a good ways down a bad path.

                            Confronting your husband with his private information that you stole will go nowhere good. He's already lost some amount of the respect he owes you; don't give him reason to shed more of that. If you must confront, it should be about the state of your relationship and what you want. Think through beforehand what's most important to you. After you've said your piece, listen and respond with compassion to any frustration and pain he reveals. Stick to your guns on what matters most to you, but show your love in how you listen and respond.
                            ______________________

                            Give all your love now. For all we know we might be dead by tomorrow.

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