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Spouse has a female friend I dislike

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  • #16
    I'm dealing with a similar situation that came to my attention around the time you started this thread. Apparently it's been going on for years, but I had no clue. I'm having a really difficult time processing it and don't really know who to talk to about it.

    In my case I'm the husband, though. A friend that I thought was mine and my wife’s has been doing what my wife calls “flirting.” I had no clue. When she was in the country recently my wife started treating me oddly and saying weird stuff for days. I didn't understand what was happening.

    It's really hard because for over a decade I've had a view of the relationship the three of us have that's not real. I love this lady deeply and I thought she and my wife felt the same way about each other. I couldn't even really say goodbye well because her behavior and my wife’s jealousy is like a cloud over everything.

    I'm probably going to have to speak to my wife soon. I've been holding in a lot of anger over the way she treated my like I was guilty when I was completely ignorant and innocent. Our friend won't be back until next year, so I'll probably have to wait until then to talk to her. Unfortunately, things will probably be awkward between us for life.
    Last edited by Stillness; 06-30-2017, 12:50 AM. Reason: Formatting
    "Those sowing seed with tears
    Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126


    • #17
      Stillness,, Maybe if we put our feet in our partners shoes, we could understand them more.. don't you think? Do you give your wife affection and attention without it being forced, both in public and in private or in front of this friend?
      I feel like it doesnt stop. We had a disagreement last night and he decided to sleep in the couch. This morning I'm having breakfast with the kids and he goes walking in the house and talking with someone upstairs. Five minutes later I go upstairs and it just so happens he was jacking off. Like five to ten minutes after talking to guess who, yeap she called him this morning to talk about her ex (my spouses brother) arguing with her dad, etc. And of course we already were arguing the day prior. It was a coincidence that she called for that reason, but did he have to jack off so bad after talking to her? I mean, is it really urgent for guys to have to jack off in the morning?


      • #18
        Melanie O men’s testosterone levels are highest in the morning.

        And my wife has every right to be jealous. She told me what this lady was doing and I had a difficult time seeing it. So, we did what turned out to be an experiment to make it more difficult for her to do and she did it anyway. It crushed me. I never even told my wife.

        So, the problem is not her jealousy. It's the way she treated me like I was guilty. She didn't complain about affection or attention. She did say that I spoke disrespectfully to her when we were alone. But I disagreed. I didn't do anything differently than I always do. After a day of going back and forth the jealousy thing came out. She admitted that it was the real reason she got mad at me.

        I do feel like it goes deeper and that it does have to do with attention. That's where my end of the conversation is going to come in when it happens. It's part of the reason I'm so bitter about this. I'm the one not getting the attention I want, though. That’s why I think other women giving it to me is so hard.
        "Those sowing seed with tears
        Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126


        • #19
          Originally posted by Melanie O View Post
          I mean, is it really urgent for guys to have to jack off in the morning?
          A lot of young guys do jack off every morning if they are not getting sex. It's a tension release.

          I went through the posts and had some questions, You said that you have been married 5 years this month. You also said your husband is 26. That means you married him when he was 21 or 22. You also said that you are a cougar. How much older than him are you? It sounds like you have hit the maturity stage and he is still in the carefree youth stage, From what I have seen among friends and acquaintances, marriage where one or both partners are younger than their late 20s is often a recipe for divorce.

          This woman that you dislike lives in Florida and your family lives in the Midwest. She is your husband's friend from high school. Why let her have so much power in your marriage? Freeze her out by never mentioning her and not getting angry over her. Tell your husband that she is never invited in your house again and let it go at that. If he wishes to bring her there, leave and take the kids with you. Let it be known in couples therapy that this is the way it is going to be and it is not negotiable.
          Last edited by jns; 07-06-2017, 10:49 AM.
          I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
          Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

          From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


          • #20
            I believe I'm the one not getting the attention I deserve in our relationship. We need to go out on dates way more often though. That's where the real test will come on how strong our relationship really is.
            I'm 34 and he will be 27 this month. We met in the service where I remember two of his closest friends giving me red flags. "...chasing around women like a pitbull with a rocket" and "he's not the right kinda guy for you...". And there is where the root of my mistrust begins...


            • #21
              Originally posted by Melanie O View Post
              N. We met in the service where I remember two of his closest friends giving me red flags. "...chasing around women like a pitbull with a rocket" and "he's not the right kinda guy for you...". And there is where the root of my mistrust begins...
              If you went against what you knew deep in your heart, it makes it more difficult to reconcile everything. And you can't change who he is.
              Decide if you want to live within the parameters of what you have and make it work for yourself and family. Constantly living in a state of mistrust and fear is no way to live.

              One of your posts, you did say your relationship has improved. Do you think it can continue to improve?
              How are the kids?

              How are you feeling today?


              • #22
                We are not married yet. The kids are fine. I always try to avoid arguing in front of them (but that doesn't always happen). I know they cannot grow up living in a house where mom and dad fight just about every week. It's not healthy for them nor us.
                It all happened so fast. I got pregnant with my first son within four months of dating. I basically ignored those red flags because back then I thought "je', I'm a widow, nobody is going to cheat on me..." (my late husband had been gone for a year by the time I started dating again). And I didn't go out on a dating spree. I just dated my spouse that I'm with now, whom I don't trust and it hurts me that I can't bring myself to this.
                For example, we are planning a trip to Arizona in a few months (his home state)... His single brother (the one who is in the middle of a divorce/the female friends ex), is a womanizer. I know this because everytime their on the phone, he's always talking about some female he's dating. My spouse says its going to be so much fun going on hikes through canyons,etc. He already told me he wants to "get lost" with "the boys" (his brothers). I would not have a problem with this if Id trust him. But I don't. I think he secretly will use that time to meet up with an old ex or something, while I stay behind distracted.
                I honestly believe he is a narcissist and he is with me because we have two kids and he doesn't want to give up what we've built so far. He's not emotional. He's said this before. And I just think to myself,, wow, so if he says he feels no emotion,, that means he could betray me whenever he feels like it and not feel bad about it, don't you agree? I need someone that can be fulfilling emotionally and not just physically. One of the few things we have thats's great (besides our kids of course), is the sex. I feel like if we are together we will have just as much problems as if we separate. I know he is going to be hell in a separation. The battle of child custody...


                • #23
                  you sure have a lot going on
                  losing your husband, dating, two kids.......you've barely had time to breathe!

                  in AZ, hoping he will spend a lot of time with you and the kids and not just his brother
                  maybe you can ask them to drive you all to the grand canyon, and some other sites so he doesn't leave you behind


                  • #24
                    Someone claiming that they are not emotional, doesn't mean they don't feel emotions. It doesn't mean that they have no boundaries or that they have no conscience or are any more likely to do something hurtful. Doesn't mean that they are less trustworthy.

                    I don't know in what context he said this, but generally it means someone just doesn't show feelings like most people, and doesn't tend to get too wrapped up in their emotional life. Many people are like that, many are men.

                    It sounds like y'all are not together because you want to be. Seems like the pregnancy caused a sense of obligation and you've stayed together for that reason.

                    Honestly, I'd probably just separate . Seems like prolonging the inevitable by staying when you are so unhappy together, there's no trust and probably many other serious issues.


                    • #25
                      I recently read a book called, "How to improve your marriage without talking about it" by Patricia Love. It really helped me understand alot of things I thought I knew. I'm trying my best to fix the main problem in my relationship from my part (which is the trust and insecurity). It's only been two weeks, but I think this book has helped me tremendously. I totally recommend it, for anyone struggling in their relationship.
                      My relationship has been so much better, but I lnow I'm going to have challenges to face and moments where I have to apply what I've learned. All I can say is that no matter what, I know I did everything I possibly can to better my relationship and keep my family together. I'm not trying to play the "vet card", but my partner and I both deployed to Iraq the year before we started dating... and I just think there's so many things we need to fix but the important part is that we realize the problem and insist on a solution.


                      • #26
                        Something else happened today and I would like some opinions on. Ok, so my spouse spoke with his friend today while I was gone all morning. And that's ok. He told me about some of the things they talked about which is cool. What bothers me is that they were talking about sex! She was telling him about her sex life with his brother (her ex), that it was good but that he would come too soon... I asked him how in the world did they end up talking about their sex life. He said they were just talking random stuff. It was such a coincidence to have this hot topic when I wasn't home. She is a big flirt on FB. Sometimes posting memes that make me think she is really refering to him. She was telling him that she believes humans are not meant to be in monogamous relationships. Am I supposed to be concerned? I think the conversation was a little too deep and personal.


                        • #27
                          It doesn't sound alarming in this context, to me. I have had male friends for years. Conversation often winds up with sex. Random sexual topics or more personal stuff. It tends to get to that point because that's what's on our minds at that time, not because there's underlying sexual tension between us. I used to have a male friend that was very much like a brother. We talked sex and I had absolutely no attraction to him.

                          Hon, if you don't trust your man, why do you stay? I personally don't think I could stand wondering constantly about what every conversation was about or what it "really means"... Or what her social media posts were about. That much energy invested is just too much.

                          And again, going back to what BD said about following your gut. If this is instinct, listen to it and follow it. Now. Stop tormenting yourself. Don't overthink. It either is or isn't a problem.

                          I've been on the receiving end of a partner with deep trust issues. It is exhausting, and it damages relationships.