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Is he just with me for sex?

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    Is he just with me for sex?

    Okay, my boyfriend has literally just told me that he's only with me for sex. We've not been together too long, we got together on 25th November 2017, things are going really well apart from the occasional hiccup.

    He has this thing where he likes to trick me and see if I fall for something and how long he can keep me thinking a certain thing. Up to now, he's tricked me 5 times and made me think that I've either really upset him or that I've done something wrong. When he finally decides enough is enough, he'll burst out in laughter and say 3-0, 4-0, or as of last night, 5-0. I'm used to this and I know he's only messing but he gets me every time and as a recovering self harmer, last night was especially tough for me because he let me go to sleep thinking we were arguing and the temptation I felt to revert to my old ways was unreal. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make here is that he is a joker, he says things to see if he'll get a reaction out of me.

    I'm not overly worried that he said he's only with me for sex because I don't think he is. He met my family last week and I met his, even his grandparents, so I'm trying not to think too much about what he said because if he is only with me for sex then why would he want to introduce me to his closest family members? I'm just here for some advice really, do I need to be worried or do you think this is just him trying to see what I'd say?

    #2
    He doesn't sound like a boyfriend: he sounds like a bully. He knows you used to self harm and his "jokes" are not funny. I'd find yourself a boyfriend that actually respects you. His tricks aren't hilarious: they are nasty and cruel. He's only with you for sex? Why doesn't he hire a prostitute instead? If you want to stay with him, just tell him you're not putting up with his games and if he wants you to stay with him, he needs to learn respect for you. Stand up for yourself. If he doesn't try, then the future is not bright.

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      #3
      I understand where you're both coming from but I can't help but feel defensive from your replies because he isn't always like this. The majority of the time he's so loving he makes me the happiest I've ever been, he's just the kind of guy that likes joking around. I'm not saying that it's okay for him to make me feel bad but half of the time he doesn't realise that he's upset me if that makes sense. I've lived with severe depression and anxiety since I was 14 years old and I don't think he understands how much of an impact depression can have on a person's life. He knows about my past with self harm because of the big scars on my arms but we've never sat down and had a proper chat about it. I've always been told that I'm a very sensitive person and I am far too sensitive and emotional. When I wrote my original post, I was especially emotional, in part because of him but in part because of my home circumstances at the moment are the worst they've ever been. My family has no money and we're literally just about surviving at the moment and it's hard. It's hard to keep a level head when I'm constantly hungry and cold or when I'm constantly listening to my mum stress and worry about everything. My boyfriend just about knows about my circumstances and this weekend, he picked me up and took me for a nice drive before taking me for something to eat and then back to his house where we sat down together with his mum and had a lovely evening. We went to bed and he couldn't have been more loving, not necessarily in a way that said he was just after sex, more in a way that he couldn't take his eyes off me, he just held me in his arms all night and kissed my head a lot. This is what I mean by saying that I don't think he's just with me for sex. He's only had one girlfriend other than me and that was 10 years ago and I'm assuming he's slept with people in those ten years so if all he wants off me is sex, why would he ring me every day while he's at work and want to take me out with him to meet his family and take me to places I've never been? He said he loves winding me up and I genuinely don't think he means to upset me, I'm just so easy to wind up. He told me he loves me before I told him and he tells me every day. I think I'm just letting everything get to me, my life has never been easy and at the moment he is the only person in my life who I can fully relax with and feel genuinely happy around.

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        #4
        This sounds similar to gas-lighting. Look that up and objectively look at the criteria and see if some of those match what's happening between you two.

        At the least, he's insensitive. He's not behaving as a very understanding and caring partner. Seems to me that he's a bit manipulative.
        You're not even 2 months into this relationship and having this issue? Hon, this doesn't have the dawning of a promising future relationship to me. At 2 months in, you should be enamored with each other, not fighting urges to self-harm because he's a jerk. This is not healthy for you.

        You can do so much better for yourself, Hon. Being alone would be better. Are you in counseling for the depression and anxiety?

        You can try to discuss this with him, demand he stop the games and "jokes". Or end it.
        I don't think I'd waste another day justifying his behavior.

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          #5
          He doesn't know the ins and outs of my past, I was sexually assaulted last year and I don't think he understands how much of an impact that's had on me. A man locked me in his house and tried to rape me, made m tell him I love him, made me kiss him and touch him. It was the most terrifying thing I've ever been through and I had to quit my job at a corner shop because of it. It happened on 29th June 2017 but I'm still trying to get over it now and it's definitely had an impact on my life in general. My boyfriend isn't a bad man, you could ask 10 people who know him what he's like and I can guarantee they will tell you he has a heart of gold. With regards to me fighting the urge to self harm, he's only ever made me feel that way once and if he ever makes me feel that way again I will be having strong words with him. I'm on a waiting list for counseling because of what I've been through and the way I'm feeling so hopefully I'll be able to manage me emotions a little better. With these 'jokes' he makes, he always tells me before things get too serious and we end up laughing about it after I've called him a few colourful names and then we move on and everything is fine. Most of the time I know that he's playing but the last time he did it I thought I'd really upset him. He accused me of only being with him as a way to get revenge on my ex, who I split up with about a month before I met him. I was convinced we were nearly over and it was the only time he made me cry because I'm really not the kind of person to do something like that and the fact that he could say things like that about me upset me a lot. It didn't help that I'd not eaten that day and I was close to self harming anyway because of my circumstances at home. All in all, in having a really tough time at the moment and even though he can be insensitive at times, he's the only one I can count on to make me smile and laugh when things are getting me down.

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            #6
            YOU are the one you can count on. You don't need anyone else to make you smile. You can make different choices whenever you're ready to do so.

            You have a lot going on.

            It seems like you're willing to tolerate this sort of treatment, for now. I hope that some day, you recognize that you deserve much more than this. Counseling will help you see things more clearly, but it takes time.

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              #7
              Its one thing to kid around or even prank someone, but some pranks shouldn't be done.

              And if he knows that you used to self-harm, what he is doing is a form of abuse. I would kick his butt to the curb because you deserve better and you need to look after your own well being first.

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                #8
                He's the kind of person who jokes about everything, he doesn't just joke with me, he does it with other people too. He's never seen the side of me that would cause him to worry, I'm pretty good at hiding my feelings. Nobody but my best friend knows that I've been fighting the urge to self harm and honestly, if it wasn't for him, I probably would have done it by now. He's the only thing stopping me because the thought of him seeing a fresh cut absolutely terrifies me. I know he can be an idiot at times but most of the time he is supportive, for example, I've said my family is struggling for money at the moment and he's told me that he's going to pay for my provisional license for me so I can look at a wider range of jobs and things like that. He doesn't let me pay for anything when we go out and he wants to take me travelling because he knows I've never really been further than Preston. I don't think he understands how much of an impact his jokes and comments have on me, if he did I'm sure he wouldn't say the things that he does. Surely if he was just with me for sex then he wouldn't invest so much of his time into our relationship and making me happy? He works six days a week, long days, and when he comes home he chooses to spend his weekend with me, taking me out and treating me like a princess.

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                  #9
                  You seem pretty confident that if he knew what you want to do to yourself, that he'd stop. If that's the case, why haven't you told him? You seem to think this relationship is great, except for his sense of humor, so why not address the issue?

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                    #10
                    Hi there , How are you. Well he is not going to leave you. He truly loves you. Well now it's really difficult to know whether the love is true or not. What I guess is it's true. Because of the time period. 5 years is such a long time. Well don't worry. I think everything is good. Best of luck.

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                      #11
                      Courtney, let me keep this short: he's not just joking around, he's an **hole and you can do better. Anyone who'd tell you he's with you just for the sex is an **hole.

                      Or has a very very strange sense of humor.
                      Last edited by Texasred; 01-24-2018, 12:02 PM. Reason: Added thoughts

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                        #12
                        Hi there. How are you? Being a girl, I can totally understand your feelings. If he met your parents and you met his parents then don't worry. Might be he needs space this time. I think you should not worry. Boys do tease sometimes. If a boy meet girl's parents then it's a honor for the girl. I didn't get it that why he said himself. Why he said that he is just for sex. Might be he joking? No? What was his reaction while saying these words? Stay Happy. I hope you get marry with him soon. I wish you all the best. Good luck. Take care.

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                          #13
                          Since I wrote my original post, a lot has happened. I now know that he is not just with me for sex and I need to accept that he is the kind of person who like to tease because he never means it. When he knows I am upset or over thinking something he's said, he assures me he was kidding. I've since met more of his family, I have been invited to a christening with him, I have been invited on a night out with his mum and her friends, he is taking me to my favourite place in the world that is monkey world which is 254.4 miles away from where we live. As well as all this, he has told me he will pay for my provisional driving license and my passport so he can take me on holiday. He loves me and I love him and apart from the ever so occasional joke, things couldn't be better, he is the most thoughtful and considerate man I have ever met and I hope to spend the rest of my life with him. Thank you, jenifercox, for your kind words xx

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                            #14
                            The family functions indicate to me that he is serious about you. He does have some rough edges that you will have to learn to deal with. Best wishes.
                            I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                            ...
                            Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                            From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

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                              #15
                              Hope it all goes well for you both.
                              Last edited by easygoing; 01-28-2018, 02:45 PM.

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