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Is he just with me for sex?

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    #16
    Sounds like a match made in heaven...

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      #17
      Well, Courtney, I do hope that this good path continues.
      Please just keep your eyes open, remembering that this is a very new relationship, and things aren't always as they seem to be at first. Things always "cool off" after awhile together. We all put our best foot forward in the early stages. Be mindful of the foundation being laid here, that it's one of mutual respect and affection, not dependence.
      Give us an update soon! Enjoy the trip!

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        #18
        Hi there, what you're going through sounds exactly like the experience my friend just went through with her ex-boyfriend. Unlike with her, I'm going to be honest with you.

        If he told you he is only with you for sex, believe him. If it's one of those things he likes to "joke" about, why would you want to be with someone like that?

        You said "I can't help but feel defensive from your replies because he isn't always like this. The majority of the time he's so loving he makes me the happiest I've ever been, he's just the kind of guy that likes joking around."

        You've struggled with many issues for years, and recently went through something very traumatic. I have to say, you are a very, very brave person for still being here today, but it may be that you feel your happiest with this man simply because he gives you the slightest bit of love/affection/support. You may be clinging to this relationship because of this, and dismissing all of his bad behaviour and nasty treatment. As you said yourself, "my life has never been easy and at the moment he is the only person in my life who I can fully relax with and feel genuinely happy around." I promise you that there are people out there you can relax and feel happy around, and they won't ever be cruel to you.

        He is not the kind of guy that likes joking around. He is being cruel with you. Before my friend started dating her boyfriend, he tricked her into thinking he liked her, and then told her he was just joking and it wasn't real. But it was very real for her, because she had liked him for ages - he knew it, and he totally played on her insecure feelings.

        Usually meeting his family and friends - has he introduced you to any friends he has? - is a good sign, but in this case, you cannot ignore the way he treats you. I'm glad however that you're also being supported by his family.

        I wonder if you are able to go to counselling - I highly suggest it, no one should have to go through what you're going through alone. If you cannot afford it, there may be free online or call services.

        In terms of your relationship, please always let him know when you don't like how he treats you - how does he respond? Does he want you to stop talking about it because it's "stupid/silly", or complains that you're always starting fights? That's the second sign he doesn't respect you (the first is treating you badly in the first place).

        He is a man who knows that he can treat you however he **** wants, and all he has to do is tell you he loves you to make it all better. You don't need to be scared at the idea of not having him in your life, because look at everything you have survived all by yourself already. You're 4 months into the relationship - by now he should know exactly how you wish to be and not be treated.

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          #19
          What Elise said. Joking is one thing, being an anus is another.
          Your boyfriend is the latter.

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            #20
            My boyfriend and I are currently doing really well. I've expressed to him that sometimes his joking around upsets me and he's stopped, if he does find himself saying things that upset me without him realising, he apologizes to me and takes into consideration that I don't always like it when he does it. I saw the man who assaulted me whilst out shopping with my boyfriend's mother a few weeks ago and my boyfriend was very supportive of me. He told that if I ever saw him again that I should ring him and he would be there no matter what to make sure I was okay and felt safe. Although he likes to joke around, the more I spend time with him and his family, the more I see that he jokes around with everyone, not just me. He hasn't joked with me since I told him how I felt - in fact he's become more sensitive and protective over me. I say protective and I don't want any of you to think I mean that in an overbearing way, I just mean that he never wants me to feel that way again and he goes out of his way to make sure I'm okay. He is definitely not just with me for sex and I know this because if he was, then we would be having sex every time we see each other, which we're not. This weekend for instance, we've both had a lovely weekend without having sex. We've cuddled and been out for dinner and we even sat and watched my favourite film which is and old film that came out in 1953, he didn't have to sit and watch it but he did because he knows it's my favourite. His family are amazing, they think of me as part of the family now which is lovely, I was even invited to his grandparents wedding anniversary and I've been invited to his dad's wedding in a few weeks. I think that since I saw the man who assaulted me, he's realised how difficult every day life is for me and he's been absolutely amazing and I'm not just saying that because he's my boyfriend, I'm saying it because it's the truth. He didn't need to stick around once I'd told him how messed up my life has been so far but he did. He's there for me when I wake up in the middle of the night having dreamt about my attacker and he's there for me if I'm just having an off day. He wants to build my confidence and help me.

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              #21
              What I see here is emotional dependence, amongst other things, not a healthy relationship.

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                #22
                He doesn't sound to me like someone you can build a life with. If that's what you're looking for, then I think you should start looking elsewhere. Being with someone isn't a game, it isn't funny, especially not funny to put someone down or to see what kind of reaction you can get out of them for something like that. That sounds incredibly mean. Honestly, if he told you that he's only interested in having sex with you, then I'd believe him. Men don't typically lie when it comes to something like that. If they're going to lie, they say something like "No, of course I'm not using you for sex!" (which, let's be honest, wouldn't be much better either). That's an honest answer coming from a guy and from the way he treats you, it doesn't really sound to me as if he has any interest in your feelings whatsoever. I'd cut your losses and move on.

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                  #23
                  I second kay0009's post.

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                    #24
                    Originally posted by kay0009 View Post
                    He doesn't sound to me like someone you can build a life with. If that's what you're looking for, then I think you should start looking elsewhere. Being with someone isn't a game, it isn't funny, especially not funny to put someone down or to see what kind of reaction you can get out of them for something like that. That sounds incredibly mean. Honestly, if he told you that he's only interested in having sex with you, then I'd believe him. Men don't typically lie when it comes to something like that. If they're going to lie, they say something like "No, of course I'm not using you for sex!" (which, let's be honest, wouldn't be much better either). That's an honest answer coming from a guy and from the way he treats you, it doesn't really sound to me as if he has any interest in your feelings whatsoever. I'd cut your losses and move on.
                    Well here I am back from our misguided adventure. Hello all.
                    In my earlier post I said "hope it all goes well for you". What I should have said was I thought he is definitely the wrong bloke you you. A guy that really cares for you won't treat you in a demeaning fashion, even if he does wrap it up as a 'laugh'.

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                      #25
                      Since I spoke to him about it he hasn't done anything wrong. He isn't just with me for sex, he was testing boundaries, which I know is a little odd but that's what it was. He likes to make light if things and joke around but he knows now what he can and can't say, he hates seeing me upset. He is the most kind and loving man I've met and we're currently doing really well, he's not put a foot wrong. He isn't mean, he isn't cruel and he most certainly isn't an **************. He would do anything for me and I him. If he were serious about just being with me for sex then he wouldn't want to see me when it's my time of the month or when I'm ill but he does because he loves me and he doesn't care if we can't have sex, not only has he told me this bit he's shown me. I'm aware that this is a new relationship but I am also positive that what we have is real, he hasn't had a girlfriend for a long time so he wouldn't have introduced me to his family if he wasn't serious about me. If I thought that he was playing me for a fool, I would be out of the door quicker than a flash. I'm not a doormat and I will not let anyone treat me like a mug no matter my feelings for them

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                        #26
                        He hasn't had a gf for a long time? May I hazard a guess as to why?
                        Because nobody else would put up with his misbegotten alleged humor?

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                          #27
                          Courtney, let me ask you this... since he has entered your life, in what ways has your life changed for the better? Can you say that taking all the +/-'s into account, that you have grown, improved and feel you are closer to being the person you fully see yourself becoming? The best indicator of a healthy relationship (with a real future) is how well each are growing -- both individually and together -- since Day #1.

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                            #28
                            First off I am sorry you are going through this because this is something you shouldn't have to deal with in a positive relationship. There are things called silly pranks that you both can giggle about for a few minutes in a relationship and move on and then there is what he is doing. What he is doing is triggering a past negative feeling in you to possibly self harm yourself and there is nothing silly or funny about that. If he is unable to see that then he is nothing more than an insensitive bully that does want to hurt you. On your first post you said he has down this multiple times so he certainly isn't getting the picture how this is affecting you. A true loving boyfriend would read through a giggle and see inside you and how you are really feeling about these pranks. These are just some things to ponder on, but it doesn't seem from what I have read that this guy has the best interest at heart for you.

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