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Does your partner let you know they are going to be late or am I over reacting??

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  • Does your partner let you know they are going to be late or am I over reacting??

    I have an issue with my partner not letting me know he will be late home.. from anywhere, sports, work etc. When I say late, he will say that he will be home at xx o clock and 2 hours after that, is still not home or no message to say i'm ok, running late etc. He doesn't see it as an issue- I do! I think it is common curtesy to let someone know that you are ok and are going to be a lot later than you though.
    Does anyone else have this problem or is it me over reacting??
    Oh and I know he is not cheating.

  • I agree, it's courtesy, and considerate. He doesn't respect that your time is valuable, or the plans you've made together.
    Do you live together? Are there plans made or dinner waiting for him or...? What is he late for, in other words? How long have you been together?

    If there are no plans made, in other words, you're just waiting to see him, then I'd just stop waiting. I'd go on and do whatever and not reserve the time any more, since he cannot be depended on to spend that time. Get involved doing whatever you want to do. In other words, If he says he'll be there at 4, and he's not there by 4:15, then make other plans for yourself. Don't wait that 2 hours...do your own thing.
    If dinner is due to be on the table at 6, and he's not home by say, 6:10 and it's getting cold, and no word on when he'll be there, I'd sit down and eat, put it away and clean up as usual. I wouldn't put on hold anything because he's not there when he said he'd be.

    If we had plans to go out, I'd go out without him. Yeah, that's odd, and you may not be the type to go out alone, but I would absolutely leave at said time, and call a friend to meet me somewhere. Let him know where you are, if he wants to join later, but I'd go on with my business.

    And, really, I don't mean this as a passive aggressive thing to do, not in anger or with a vengeful attitude, or really even with the thought that this will change his pattern. My objective here, and my advice is directed toward you not altering your own life, and making things important that are not important to your partner. If you've asked, discussed the way this bothers you and it's not improved, then you are the one who has to change. If this is a major problem for you, and you feel it's a deal-breaker then, that's a consideration too.

    But I certainly wouldn't sit around 2 hours waiting for someone that didn't respect me enough to drop a line to say, Hey...sorry, hung up at the office, it's going to be another 30...etc.

    You can be flexible, giving and understanding, but respect yourself enough to set some boundaries and spend your time wisely, even if he doesn't.


    • Sometimes it is useful to lead by example. In this case, to always notify him of the changes if your plans change at the earliest possible time, leaving messages if you cannot get in touch with him.
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


      • We don't have any kids and when we don't have plans or other obligations, we pretty much do what we want. I like jns' suggestion - to do for him what you expect him to do for you, but I'm not real big on checking in. If that was expected of me it would steal my joy.

        I've noticed throughout my life that other people are more into that. I think it may be background. I was an only child and my mother gave me a long leash, so I just did my thing. Maybe your man has a similar upbringing?
        "Those sowing seed with tears
        Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126


        • Originally posted by meagsy View Post
          When I say late, he will say that he will be home at xx o clock and 2 hours after that, is still not home or no message to say i'm ok, running late etc. .
          two hrs late is a long time to not let you know what's going on especially if you are one to worry


          • I wouldn't wait around myself: I'd simply do my own thing and when he got home I'd say something like "Oh, I wasn't worried" and leave him to it. If I showed him I didn't care [even if I did] he would be wound up and frustrated. That would certainly change his tune. This seems like playing games, but I think it is an approach that will work.


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