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Fiance sleeps all day and up all night?

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  • Fiance sleeps all day and up all night?

    Okay so this has been going on for about a year now. This has actually been the start of most of our fights that get extremely bad. He was called out for a job last summer, he's a boilermaker(welder) so he's not always working but when he isn't working there are 3 days a week where he can practice his welds and get certificates that make him more likely to be called out to jobs more frequently. since he's just starting out he doesnt get a whole lot of work. We also have a now 15 month old daughter together. Last summer we all stayed at a motel because he was called out to a job that was about 4 hours away and he worked Monday-saturday 10 hours a day. They make ALOT of money in case you don't know of boilermakers. But every single morning for 3 months which is when he was laid off, I had to wake him up or I'm pretty sure he would have actually been fired. He would be so hard to get out of bed that he would be just barely making it to work most days even with me sitting there begging him to wakeup because it's sooo difficult. The other thing is he will curse at me horribly while doing so, put me down, call me awful names, tell me my career is going to get no where and all kinds of nasty things. During the day while he would be at work he would feel really bad and apologize, and by night time he's really sorry and tells me how much he loves me and all that stuff. It was a very tough 3 months mentally and I atleast had my daughter with me to go out with during the day to make me happy. Most of the time he wouldn't go to bed until 2am and had to be up at about 6am to make it there. Even though i would try to have it so that he was in bed by 10pm or 11pm that way he gets decent sleep, it always ended up not working out and He'd somehow always make it till like 2am being awake. Now he's not working but will more than likely be on a job in February. He STILL doesn't wake up and rarely ever makes it to the welding booth to train for certificates, therefore he doesn't even have one yet. He's maybe went at the most 30 times since he's been laid off and that's terrible being as he's able to go 3 times a week and he's been able to do this since the summer. Now there's a welding class coming up in February that he probably won't even be allowed to take. He's still cursing at me and everything calling me the b word for trying to wake him up. Sometimes i swear that I'm only with him because of our daughter but if he keeps this up I'm obviously going to have to leave him even though I don't want my daughter to grow up in a broken home. But I also don't want her to see/hear her father talking to me and treating me the way he does. I have no idea what to do right now. I am 26 and he is 24 so I really don't see how someone so young can sleep this long. I also feel like he kind of trapped me when he had a kid with me because whenever I threaten to leave him he tells me how there will never be another dad in my daughter's life, how the next guy I'm with will "disappear" one day due to him and also just guilt trips me about breaking up our "family" and me being the one to make our daughter grow up in a broken home. Also at the moment I'm a stay at home mom, working on getting pictures for modeling and also going to school for nursing so as far as money goes I can't even afford to leave, even though I would much rather this be fixed if possible. I don't know what to do. Please someone help

  • welcome to the forum!

    get him an alarm clock and don't wake him up
    let him be responsible for getting himself up (even if you need to go out somewhere with your child early morn daily for a week)
    until he learns to get himself up and take the consequences if he misses something


    • Have you looked into him having depression?
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


      • Has he done a lot of overnight shifts, evening or swing shifts?

        Is he a drinker or is he using drugs, either recreational or by prescription?

        Does he have any other signs of mental disturbance or anxiety?

        His threats toward you and others are quite troubling. Does he have to undergo any psych evaluation for the jobs he works on?
        I know that certain jobs offer that, if you are working on projects that involve public safety, etc.
        If it's not routine, maybe suggest it.
        Last edited by atskitty2; 01-29-2018, 08:14 PM.


        • Staying up late/sleeping late is a classic symptom of mental issues He's stressed or in denial about something, possibly the responsibility of being a father and sole support of a family at a fairly young age.
          HOWEVER: that's no excuse for his abusing you! Do NOT put up with that! Make it clear to him that he needs to straighten up or you amd your child will be leaving. He must have some sense of responsibility or he would not have done what he has so far; let him know that you trust him to do the right thing.


          • There is no excuse for him verbally abusing you. I know you don't want your child to grow up in a broken home, but it is better to have a father she can see once a week and have no mental trauma than have a father she lives with and is exposed to adult issues she is not ready for. Basically, I would take my daughter out of a dangerous situation than keep her in it to save her from a broken home.

            I do think sleeping all day and only waking at night can be a sign of mental issues. But there ARE night owls in the world. And a lot of people do love their sleep. BUT there are days this is not acceptable. I love sleeping but I know not to lay in bed all day. I really can't tell from here if your husband is struggling with his mental health or just prefers the night. Do talk to him again. If he won't listen, then maybe he does need mental health treatment.


            • Thank you for all of your replies. My fiance claims that he is not depressed at all and is very happy with our "family". But he does admit to having the stress of providing for his family which has been hard lately because he hasn't been able to get onto a job. I met my husband when I was 22 almost 23 and he was 21. At the time I knew he had a drug addiction to heroin in the past but because of that addiction he had served about 8 months in jail and claimed that he was completely clean and off of that stuff. He started off on Percocets when he was about like 17 or 18 and went to heroin when he was about 19 I believe. After a year of being with me I got him clean, for him to get into a methadone clinic to get off of the drugs and then he was able to get off the methadone. There is no doubt that he is clean now and there is no way that he would go back to dope. That is completely ruled out, trust me I would know I'm very good at finding stuff like that out and if I even had the slightest idea that he was using heroin again I would leave him instantly and he would be kicked out of the house (we live with his father) while he was on drugs that I wasn't aware of up until he got completely clean he was so sweet to me And treated me like no other guy ever has. Alls I ever wanted was love from a guy and he showed me so much of it so much happiness and greatfulness of me not giving up and helping him through his rough time. But once he was completely clean he totally changed. The once laid back down to earth sweet person I knew was fighting with me and treating me like ****. At the time where he was clean I had gotten pregnant (I was definitly not okay with getting an abortion I wanted the baby) and he was really happy with the fact that we were going to have a baby and he was actually getting into the same career as his father. When he first got clean he was great but then he just turned into a very aggressive uptight ******* type guy and I didn't know he was like that AT ALL. He told me that when he was a kid and in highschool he was a bad kid and got kicked out of schools and got into alot of fights and also had anger problems. But obviously when I met him he was not like that at all and even in recovery he was so sweet and calm. But once he was sober for a while, I guess being as he can't numb his emotions with drugs anymore, hes very irritable and is acting like the teen self that he described. I know that he would take adderall once in a while to help him with work and I recently learned that he has been taking alot more adderal than he should be every single day even though he isn't working at all. Could this be the affects of the adderall ? I know that he DOES love me with all his heart and he would do ANYTHING not to lose me but right now we don't really have much money and we are on Medicaid insurance. I hope I explained my situation in am easy way and that it isn't too confusing. I'm really sorry if it sounds confusing. Right now since I have learned that he has been taking so much adderall me and my daughter are at my parents. This really just sucks and I wish he could just relax with his temper, actually wake up like a normal human being and not take any kinds of drugs like these. I'd love to see a counselor and have tried to make an appointment but because of being on Medicaid they only put me on a waiting list


              • I'm glad you are not currently in the home with him. I hope you stay away until there's serious, deep resolution to the issues at hand. He needs to be in counseling, regularly. He needs a full psych eval and work up. I think there's a lot going on here that is well beyond your ability to assess or improve. I'm guessing that he won't be down for that.
                You need the counseling too, tho less urgently.

                Is he in a laborers union? Is there any resources through it?

                If you cannot get timely help through Medicaid, check around on your own. Many low cost resources are made available for the uninsured. A single mom seeking mental health resources is pretty high on the charitable causes list. Start with a Google search and go from there.

                In the meantime, what are you doing to secure your own future?


                • I know of the ability of heroin to change a person's personality because I had it happen with a former close friend. Heroin addicts can be very charming but are often untrustworthy. I'm not surprised with your description of his personality changing back to his former one after getting clean. The Adderall situation is also indicative that he does not have the situation under control, that he does not self limit how much he takes. His current personality is probably one of the reasons he has trouble getting jobs. Even with a prison record, a good welder who can work hard and does a good job will be in demand if he can fit in with a crew. He does need to buckle down and get his certs. He should also go to a psychologist or psychiatrist to be evaluated. He may have a chemical imbalance that is driving some of his problems.
                  I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                  Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                  From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


                  • I second jns's post. I don't have anything to add to it, but thought I'd second it. I do hope your partner deals with his issues, though.


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