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Am I normal?

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  • Am I normal?

    So I met my wife in college and we were madly in love. She was the hottest thing on campus. I proposed after 5 months, and 5 months after that, we were married. All my guy friends were so jealous because she looked like a model. Drop dead gorgeous and sweet personality.

    But the years take their toll. Infatuation faded of course. We have two stunningly beautiful, talented, and caring adolescents. We have obtained fortune - we own two highly successful businesses, we travel, drive nice cars, attend a great church.

    And yet I am not happy in my marriage. Physically my wife is beautiful for her age - I'd say she would measure up better than 99 out of 100 honestly. Yet I find myself not romantically attracted to her further. After 30 years, desire has gone. Love is there, but desire is really not. Oh, yes, I can perform sexually and we do that once or twice a month, but the spark is gone! I feel so guilty admitting that, because she is sweet, kind, caring, loyal, compassionate, and would do anything I ask. Yet there's nothing that I could possibly ask of her. It's not her fault I don't feel "in love".

    I often wonder "did I make the right choice?" "If I had made a better choice, would I still feel butterflies?" "Is this as good as it's going to be from here on out?" (Which is still quite good, but no butterfly, in-love factor).

    I would love to hear from all of you about your own circumstance. Is this the way pretty much all marriages go? I think it would help me if I knew this. We aren't divorcing, so I'm not going to try to resolve the issue by creating sparks with another dame. I'm just curious if all of this is normal, and maybe if I need counseling?
    Last edited by TXguy; 06-05-2018, 11:38 PM.

  • #2
    The trouble with a gorgeous wife is that she may not be the best fit for marriage. I'm not saying anything against her, it may be the husband who did not do due diligence when trying to determine if she was the one. Often it is the less pretty ones who will keep sparking the fire.

    Is your wife the one to take charge in the bedroom from time to time? Maybe even a bit of domination. A give and take like that will often keep things from getting stale.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

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    • #3
      Originally posted by jns View Post
      The trouble with a gorgeous wife is that she may not be the best fit for marriage. I'm not saying anything against her, it may be the husband who did not do due diligence when trying to determine if she was the one. Often it is the less pretty ones who will keep sparking the fire.

      Is your wife the one to take charge in the bedroom from time to time? Maybe even a bit of domination. A give and take like that will often keep things from getting stale.
      It's hard to know for sure 29 years later as frankly I can't remember. I can say for certain that there are no personality or character issues that make her hard to love. To the contrary. That's why it's so puzzling.

      I would say the only hitch is that her family turned out to be a lot more redneck than I would have liked, but I'm sure she could say my family turned out a lot more whacked out than she would have liked.

      I've read before that you don't **want** to return to the butterfly state - while it was euphoric, it was also scary, unpredictable, and vulnerable. Yet you have to have this state to attract two people and get them together?

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      • #4
        Originally posted by TXguy View Post
        I've read before that you don't ****want**** to return to the butterfly state - while it was euphoric, it was also scary, unpredictable, and vulnerable. Yet you have to have this state to attract two people and get them together?
        The butterfly state is the give and take of addictive hormones. When things are good, they are really good because your body releases hormones that make you euphoric and irrational. When things are slow or bad, those hormones are not released as much and you essentially have withdrawal symptoms. The swings can have you question your sanity. They can also drive you strongly in directions you maybe rationally wouldn't go. High risk, high reward, possibly devastating loss. The bonding is also hormone dependent, but not completely the same hormones. The euphoria makes you continue to go back long enough for the bonding to occur.
        I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
        ...
        Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

        From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

        Comment


        • #5
          "Infatuation faded".

          That says it all.
          You married someone that you didn't necessarily love, or were compatible with. You married an ideal. An object and an image.

          Did you ever truly become friends or love this woman in the way you should?

          Doesn't mean you can't rekindle the spark you once had or that you can't find some happiness in the marriage. How long have you been unhappy? Were there ever times you felt close? Does she share your feelings?

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          • #6
            Hi txguy

            see that you posted back in 2012, that you were done with sex because your wife had been so ill
            and that you'd become a caregiver

            is your wife still ill? are you still in a caregiver role?

            if so, is that why your feelings have changed?

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
              "Infatuation faded".

              That says it all.
              You married someone that you didn't necessarily love, or were compatible with. You married an ideal. An object and an image.

              Did you ever truly become friends or love this woman in the way you should?

              Doesn't mean you can't rekindle the spark you once had or that you can't find some happiness in the marriage. How long have you been unhappy? Were there ever times you felt close? Does she share your feelings?
              I think it's a situation where my wife loves me more than I love her, so to speak. I think you're right, I married an object and an image. And when the object/image aged, I became disillusioned. Now as I have said, my wife is fairer than oh, about 99 out of 100 48-year-olds out there. There's not one that I've seen that I've said "I'd trade for that." So perhaps if I am thinking that, I do love her to a degree, in that I appreciate the "object" or "image" that she still is at her age.

              Most of my "junk" (hangups) comes from brokenness in my childhood. My mom left us when I was 15 but I was really kind of on my own and working at age 12 with no curfew, buying my own clothes, helping to raise my brother. I was highly promiscuous starting at age 15, sleeping with at least a dozen women by age 20. Yet I could never sustain a relationship with a girl/woman because I was so insecure.

              I did have a woman 10 years younger than me hit on me several years ago and that was tempting to pursue, so much so that I confessed it to my wife so that she could hold me accountable. It devastated her, but had I not, I am afraid I might have slept with the woman.

              My wife was the "who's who" in her hometown. Homecoming Queen, most beautiful, most desirable. Somehow I landed her. It's not fair to her that I feel this way, but I just try to fake it. And I'm not divorcing, because I have two amazing kids and I want to be a part of their lives and their kids' lives some day unfettered.

              And it's not like I am repulsed by my wife. We are friends. We do a lot of stuff together and enjoy each other's company. I just have lost the desire to tear her clothes off and bang her like a screen door in a 5.0 hurricane. That hasn't been there for a long time.

              As for me, I have achieved fortune. I own my own companies and get to spend most of my time at home doing what I want, going to my kids' practices, mowing the yard, whatever. And I am proud of how far I've made it, from throwing a 110 customer paper route at age 12. I had a lot of people when I was younger tell me I wasn't smart enough, popular enough, good enough to do much. Well, I love it when people tell me what I can't do. I decided I would amass wealth sufficient to buy and sell most folks, and I did, but I've still got his stale marriage thing.

              sorry for the ramble.
              Last edited by TXguy; 06-06-2018, 10:49 PM.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by amy40 View Post
                Hi txguy

                see that you posted back in 2012, that you were done with sex because your wife had been so ill
                and that you'd become a caregiver

                is your wife still ill? are you still in a caregiver role?

                if so, is that why your feelings have changed?
                Actually she finally got better and I'm not a caregiver! It could be that all that mess kind of jacked with me. I dunno, I'm just grasping at straws.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by TXguy View Post

                  Actually she finally got better and I'm not a caregiver! It could be that all that mess kind of jacked with me. I dunno, I'm just grasping at straws.
                  I wonder if this could be part of it. Prior to your wife being ill did you have an active and fulfilling sex life? Maybe you subconsciously still see her in the "mothering" role that you took on. Sometimes when women have children they get in a mothering role and no longer are that wild woman who used to be with the father. They see the roles as incompatible. As such, the father starts feeling neglected because the mother is never in the mood. Sort of a natural birth control.

                  Please give more background about when your sex life started to fade and who was the one putting off sex for whatever reason. We hear about people who have put it all in their work or businesses and do not make time for a home life or are too busy to have enough time so the spouse gets something out of it, too.

                  You probably had an edge over the competition because you were bolder than most.
                  I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                  ...
                  Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                  From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    TXguy: I don't know what to advise. Is there any chance the spark could ignite again? If there isn't, maybe you should end the marriage. Don't stay married if you're unhappy and just don't have that passion anymore. That's all I can really say. Yes, she is beautiful and wonderful, but when it's not there, it's not there. You can't force yourself to feel what isn't there. Everyone grows and changes in their lives and what once fits doesn't fit anymore. The past is the past: be honest with yourself now. And she deserves to be with someone who does have that passion for her. If you stay with her when you're not in love, you are denying her the chance to find someone who does love her. By being fair to yourself, you're being fair to her.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by TXguy View Post
                      I would love to hear from all of you about your own circumstance. Is this the way pretty much all marriages go? I think it would help me if I knew this. We aren't divorcing, so I'm not going to try to resolve the issue by creating sparks with another dame.
                      as someone who's been married a while, also and where the "us" kinda fell apart when we became parents, one can work to get the couple part back but it's not easy

                      I had to be determined to get "us" back and not just be parents and once you "think" things are going to be ok and just assume everything is, then you're wrong

                      keep working on your marriage just as you would at anything else that is important to you

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