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Am I in a abusive relationship?

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    #16
    What do you say when he asks if you're happy and still into him? Do you tell him the truth?

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      #17
      I am living in misery. Granted, I do love him but I'm not happy. I need to start focusing on myself, my future, my needs and my life away from him. He's all I've known for 12 years and I need to start taking control of myself. It's not worth the hassle and stress I deal with. My mom and my aunt aren't happy and they hate to see me unhappy because of his b.s. My mom keeps telling me to talk to him but that's the thing, I can't. I've never been able to. He keeps trying to tell me I can but I know deep down I can't. I've never been able to open up with him and I don't know why. I don't think he's 100% happy. When he asks if I'm into him and still happy, I tell him yes I am. I'm just lying to him and I'm lying to myself. My friends are worried about me and constantly ask if I'm okay and I'm not.

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        #18
        winged muse

        see that you posted back in 2011 on below thread, that you both were as still in love as when you first got together
        so what happened in the last 7 yrs to change that?

        https://www.womens-health.com/boards...to-get-engaged

        are you depressed?
        cause if you are depressed that colors everything in your life, even your relationship


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          #19
          Originally posted by Winged_Muse View Post
          I am living in misery. Granted, I do love him but I'm not happy. I need to start focusing on myself, my future, my needs and my life away from him. He's all I've known for 12 years and I need to start taking control of myself. It's not worth the hassle and stress I deal with. My mom and my aunt aren't happy and they hate to see me unhappy because of his b.s. My mom keeps telling me to talk to him but that's the thing, I can't. I've never been able to. He keeps trying to tell me I can but I know deep down I can't. I've never been able to open up with him and I don't know why. I don't think he's 100% happy. When he asks if I'm into him and still happy, I tell him yes I am. I'm just lying to him and I'm lying to myself. My friends are worried about me and constantly ask if I'm okay and I'm not.
          2 things here that I want to bring up:
          1. You need to figure out why you can't open up to him. Is that reason a problem that YOU have? or is it something that HE does that causes you to sort of close off? This is important, because if this is your issue, then you're going to have this issue in any relationship and potentially wind up unhappy, time after time, with no ability to express yourself and work through the issues you have with a partner. If he's genuinely asking you to open up, and you can't/won't...you need to figure out why. If you simply don't want to, because you're done here, then that's another thing. If you're just done, you need to move on. It isn't fair to either of you to stay and prolong the inevitable. But if he's genuinely asking you to talk-to share what's going on-it seems to me he's interested in hearing and possibly working through this with you.
          If you leave someone without putting 100% into working through the issues, you're ripe for regrets down the road.

          2. It takes more than love to be happy. If you're feeling it's time to spread your wings and find your independence, find your place in the world, there's nothing wrong with that. That's what you need to do. Also, be aware that finding that on your own may bring regrets later, for what you left behind. I went through something like this in my 20's. But you have to do what life is asking of you. I just caution you to be very aware of yourself, and what you're really seeking. Get some sessions with a good counselor to help you sort yourself out a little further, to understand what you want and need for yourself.

          You're a bright girl and you're strong. You are trying to do the right thing here, and you will. It's just really difficult and you have some hard days ahead of you. Just remember that you really have only yourself to answer to, and to make happy in life. Not family, not him, not society. Just you Dear. Everything will be ok.

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            #20
            Originally posted by amy40 View Post
            winged muse

            see that you posted back in 2011 on below thread, that you both were as still in love as when you first got together
            so what happened in the last 7 yrs to change that?

            https://www.womens-health.com/boards...to-get-engaged

            are you depressed?
            cause if you are depressed that colors everything in your life, even your relationship

            What changed that? The fact that I grew up, I realized things more and realized how wrongly I've been treated since day 1. It was even at day 1 that he would constantly bug me about who I'm with, where I'm going, who I'm talking to, etc.

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              #21
              Originally posted by Winged_Muse View Post

              What changed that? The fact that I grew up, I realized things more and realized how wrongly I've been treated since day 1. It was even at day 1 that he would constantly bug me about who I'm with, where I'm going, who I'm talking to, etc.
              It sometimes takes a different perspective to see things as they really are. Did your friends and family warn you about his controlling behavior when you first started going together? I would think that they did even if you ignored the advice. You may have seen such behavior as concern for you.
              I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
              ...
              Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

              From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

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                #22
                Originally posted by Winged_Muse View Post
                he would constantly bug me about who I'm with, where I'm going, who I'm talking to, etc.
                that's marriage, though

                I ask husband what he talks about with his co-workers/just asked him other day if he talks about me

                he gave me a cell when we became parents (even tho I didn't want one)
                so if I leave house w/o telling anyone, I get a call when out "where are you?"
                when he's traveling, I ask for a text when he gets there and he will Skype daily, if he can

                I see this as concern for each other, not intrusive ^





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                  #23
                  I can't open up to him because he constantly criticizes me over every little thing. He doesn't listen. I'm guilt tripped constantly all the time. He judges me. He even was talking crap about me to his mom not to long ago regarding my hair color. I'm a natural blonde and as of recently my hair colors have ranged from black and red, black and purple, black and blue, etc. His mom asked him what he thought of my hair and all he said was, "it's okay, it's just a phase. She doesn't listen to me anyway." And his mom basically said the dark hair color does nothing for me. After I confronted him about it he said that he's liked all the colors I've done but just thinks the blonde looks best on me. His brother got on him one day about it being a good thing he sets ground rules for me and keeps an eye on me. I confronted him about it also and he said that "Yes, what he said wasn't right." He doesn't stand up for me at all, he doesn't push or motivate me. He doesn't even motivate himself even though I tell him to try new things or go do this or that. He claims he's trying to work on things but I haven't seen any difference. I've been trying to make things work and while things change maybe for about a week after we talk about things, it goes back to how it was. My mom saw my friends get pushed away after I got with him but she didn't say anything. My aunt told me had she known he was like this and how controlling he is, she would've suggested we not get married. He tells me to open up to him but I can't. Some things we just can't talk about, never have. The times I do open up to him it's usually through text and then he criticizes me for talking about things that way instead of face to face but at least I'm still talking but no, again it's not face to face. It's a never ending back and forth thing with him. His brother was even this way to his now ex GF and she understands my perspective and where I'm coming from. I can't even go hang out with my mom without him wondering what's going on. I have no chance to relax by myself just for a few minutes without him constantly there.

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                    #24
                    don't know why but it sounds like you're mad at him/blame him because you're not happy with yourself

                    you keep saying he won't motivate you
                    people have to motivate themselves to take actions as no one can do it for you

                    I've taken classes, gone on retreats, even gone on vacation by myself while married
                    just signed up for some painting classes....husband hasn't told me to do any of these things

                    most people do look better in their natural hair.....should he lie and say you look good in blue hair if u don't?

                    it sounds like you might have a bit of a rebellious streak which is why marriage is getting to you and maybe feel the need to escape but you can still spread your wings while married

                    husbands don't have to like everything we do , either
                    my husband tells me all the time that I'm weird .....I don't care, it's a compliment, lol

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                      #25
                      I do go out, I go get my hair done, I get my tattoos, go have girls days with a few of my friends still around. The entire time though, he's constantly bugging me. I can't spend any time away from him without him asking what I'm doing. I have to tell him every where I go, he gets annoyed if I go more places than I say I do. I can't even relax by myself if I take a bath in the evening or anything like that. He teases constantly that I'm talking to my "other boyfriend" if I'm talking to my friends or even family members and I don't tell him who I'm talking to. It's all fine and good if he wants to know but sometimes it gets really old.

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                        #26
                        Girl, you know how I feel about the hair thing. I don't think he did anything wrong there. He's not required to like your new hair color. And not required to lie to his mom about how he feels about it. I recently cut bangs (big mistake...lol) and my boyfriend minced no words that he didn't like them on me. And he said something similar, " you're still beautiful. I just like you better without bangs." No big deal. He was right. LOL.

                        But I think it's all so much more than that. We could get hung up on the minor details, but the fact of the matter is plainly and simply: You're NOT happy. And once a person comes to that realization, then EVERYTHING, even the little stuff is going to irritate you and add to your lists of "reasons to leave". I will say this, this is YOUR life and while I don't advocate selfishness..... it is the only life you'll get. If YOU aren't happy, then it's up to YOU to make yourself happy......whatever that means for you. If that means leaving, leave. Know what I mean?
                        "Be what you're looking for."

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                          #27
                          I know he's not happy either. He says he is but he isn't. I'm good at reading energies and I know when something is off. Even this morning before he left for work I knew he wasn't happy. He gives me empty threats all the time regarding leaving, then showing me he was looking at apartments for himself in another part of the state telling me he's "Serious this time." regarding things being worked out. I'm not trying to be selfish but no, I'm not happy and I've come to realize that more and more as the more recent months have progressed.

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                            #28
                            You're both unhappy...so why are you both staying in this, when one or both of you have basically no willingness to try to work through it? Leaving is hard-breaking out of the comfort zone and changing your whole life is hard.

                            I'd encourage you also to break this habit of talking to your family about your relationship. Speak with a counselor, pastor, or pastor's wife - someone more capable of approaching from neutral perspectives. In your future, be mindful of that. If they're the only ones you have to talk to - opt for a counselor or come here

                            I do think that he is unhappy, and he's clinging to hope that this will work, he's insecure, lacking trust because he knows how unhappy you are, and that makes him very vulnerable. He knows you're probably going to end this. If he really loves you, that probably terrifies him. I think that's why he's a constant presence via text or call when you're away. And for you, you're so desperately needing space that, probably any contact, even one message seems like a huge drag on your energies. He's making threats about leaving also, trying to scare you into making a move, one way or another. He probably hopes it makes you want to stay, BUT he probably wants some peace too - living this way is not pleasant to him either, and he'd rather you leave than continue this miserable day to day. Does that make any sense?

                            I think it's just a matter of when you're ready to make the leap.

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                              #29
                              I'd heed atskitty2's advice. She is a wise woman.

                              Why live in misery? You don't have to live that way: you don't have to sacrifice your happiness to stay in a painful relationship.

                              I wish you all the best, though.

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