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My relationship is a zombie. Is it better to leave or to find partners on the side?

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  • Sometimes one partner requires more love and affection then the other, this may be for various reasons. If we feel good about ourselves and have secure attachment then we are okay without getting a lot back from our partner. Whereas if we feel dissatisfied about ourselves or insecure in relationships then we may feel dissatisfied with a lack of intimacy. Sometimes how we feel about our partner can reflect how we feel deep inside. Wanting an affair can distract us from our feelings, so we can attempt to feel better about ourselves by seeking gratification elsewhere, it is not a solution but a way to escape from how we feel about ourselves deep down.
    I have written these
    Last edited by jns; 10-15-2018, 05:29 AM. Reason: Outbound links are not allowed.


    • And yet another troll is heard from...


      • My recommendation is to move on now; 58 isn't the end of the line. I would have moved on at 58 but I had an 8-year-old son to raise. Maybe should have anyway.


        • I agree, Texasred.


          • Will this never end?

            I was hidden on tinder feeling sorry for mysel and wondering what it might be like to go live and start conversations. She discovers by honest mistake the tinder app on my phone and does not open or tell me till later. Not surprised or hurt. So I decided to go ahead and look for hookups. Didn’t want a relationship because I was in one however tenuous. The rest writes itself.

            I start talking with a woman in whose profile I see zero relationship potential. I am wrong.

            I have very specific criteria for long term relationship potential. This woman checked out more completely than my partner ever did. I tell my partner it’s over and she more or less shrugs.

            I dive. This woman dives with me. I feel this might work. Days later my (ex) partner changes her mind and pours on the love. I never ever wanted or meant to be between two women.

            When partner learns it’s not so simple she freaks. I have 24 hours to decide. I don’t know the other woman well enough and choose to return to my life which includes my partner about whom I now have conflicted feelings.

            That was over a week ago. Partner is clearly feeling it. I am trying hard but faking it. No contact with the other woman but she’s always on my mind and my feelings remain constant.

            Had partner responded any time in the last several years, more recently when I was begging, or very recently in counseling this never would have happened. But it did. And now I’m here.

            I feel I should ask this woman to risk a conversation—not a relationship. We learn about each other. See whether a significant possibility exists between us. If it does I move out. I feel that without this conversation the nasty thing will always be between partner and me and my feelings for her may not return anyway.

            I welcome any ideas whatsoever.

            Give all your love now. For all we know we might be dead by tomorrow.


            • PS
              people have suggested new/better sex is the driver. Not so. Partner better in this regard. New love? Sure I guess. Is that bad? Am I wrong to want some excitement after hard years and instead of pleasing my partner before myself?

              Give all your love now. For all we know we might be dead by tomorrow.


              • are you talking about your wife?
                that your wife suddenly decided she does want you?

                had you started divorce proceedings?
                did she say she wants to stay married?


                • Thank you for responding Amy. This is my wife though the marriage was solely for health insurance. No divorce begun bc of that. The relationship had become platonic and she picked at me a lot, a strong sign feelings are gone. Meeting someone with whom I could want a relationship was entirely accidental though I see now very predictable. Had my wife offered before even a fraction of what she offers now this conflict never would have happened. Now that it has happened though my feelings for this woman block me from fully recommitting with my wife. Im doing my best with all the intimacy building behaviors toward my wife but I feel hollow. I want to want her but I just don’t. I’m effectively lying and I think she’s starting see through me. I’m so mad. We both did and are doing the best we can but the damage is done. Now I need to decide what to do about it.

                  Give all your love now. For all we know we might be dead by tomorrow.


                  • What language were these posts originally composed in?


                    • So, are you saying that you two were a couple, in a productive relationship and only took it to the altar for the practical purpose of gaining insurance? Or, that you married essentially a friend for this purpose?
                      Either way, if the foundation of your relationship/marriage is to gain some benefit like this, what sort of romance, intimacy and bonding do you really hope to achieve? And if this is the basis for your being together, why does it matter who's messing around elsewhere?

                      I say all that to make the point, that insurance - essentially money - is no reason to be with someone. Be with a partner because they bring something to your life, fulfill you in some way other than monetary peace of mind. It's no wonder you both are struggling. Make a clean break and find the relationships you both deserve. This is not fair to either of you.


                      • I agree with atskitty2. I second her advice.


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