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Am I taking partners PMDD too personally?

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  • Am I taking partners PMDD too personally?

    Hi,I'm not sure if I should post this under this topic or the Menstrual Cycle.
    My girlfriend, of 4 years, has always suffered with severe pms/pmdd. She is now also starting the menopause and the moods and anger are getting worse. I admit that to begin with I found all of this difficult to cope with, someone telling you the relationships over every other month or that you're not allowed to see her or speak to her on certain days really hurts but I have been reading up as much as I can and am trying to not take her anger/mood swings personally. There is one thing I'm finding difficulty coping with though and that is she will sometimes be angry with me, tell me she needs to be quiet and on her own, and then spend all evening talking to people on the phone or social media and having calm conversations and laughing and joking. I'm not sure if I should take that personally or it's just that she's finding those closest to her more stressful to be around during these times and was wondering if there are any women on here, who have maybe gone through similar things to my partner who have a better incite into how she's feeling? I will admit when she does this It does bring out insecurities and feelings of jealousy but that's because of issues we've had where she will get very upset with me if I so much as add a female colleague or friend that she deems attractive on social media and yet she will post comments telling men friends how gorgeous or attractive they are. When she confronts me I try to reassure her and speak to her calmly about why ive added these women,rarely will I add someone she has not already met, and I'll even offer to remove them. Her response whenever I've questioned her comments, which isnt often as I know whats going to happen, Is to get angry and tell me she can't put up with this all the time. The thing is she's questioned me on numerous occasions and I've probably questioned her 3/4 times but because that always end up in a big argument she remembers them and not the many times she questioned me , she will even later deny that she did. I feel bad about having this little bit of suspicion going through my head, which I can't talk to her calmly about, when this all might be down to her problems and out of her control but it's the one thing that's keeping me from being as supportive as I can and I spend a fair amount of time, when I'm not around her, in turmoil that either I'm not being as understanding as i should be and offering her the help she needs or that she's just angry with me because she doesn't want me around as there's someone else, or maybe just doesn't want me around.I did ask her a couple of weeks ago , after a few days of her not wanting to talk, if there was someone else and she got angry with me and said there wasn't and I don't understand what she's going through, maybe I don't? It's been ten days since then and she still says she's not in a good place to talk so we only text. Sometimes she will not text back for a day other times she will send me a curt text and other times a sweet text calling me by her pet name for me and blowing kisses. There also seems to be a pattern that there will be a few days every month when she will be very affectionate and tell me she loves me and then all that just disappears for a few weeks and If i tell her I love her during that time she will just ignore me or get annoyed which could be a sign of the PMDD or not?As you can tell I'm a very confused and worried man so any advise would be much appreciated.

  • Are double standards a symptom of pmdd? Also are you sure you’re not the other man?
    "Those sowing seed with tears
    Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

    Comment


    • From what I can tell, she is insecure [atlhough not a crime in itself] and this could be why she questions you about women you've seen when out & about. I think your only option is to tell her he must trust you. I understand her having PMDD, but this should not make you an emotional punch bag. She should know you by now - and trust you not to cheat. All she will do with the way she's acting is push you away. And how much longer should you take it? Make a stand - while still caring. Having boundaries isn't nasty or selfish. And you can have boundaries and actually help her open up to you. But you're not alone with this: many women do suffer such a condition. Care, but don't let her be rude or abusive.

      Comment


      • How many days of the month is this her behavior? And when did she begin having these changes? What is she doing to alleviate these symptoms?
        i had a dramatic hormonal change a few years ago. I was a mess.i had difficulty, and I was miserable to be around. Hormones are not a legitimate reason to behave poorly.

        ??????I'll comment further once I see more detail from you

        Comment


        • re stillness- I'm fairly sure I'm not the other man as we do sometimes spend a lot of time together on the other hand after 4 years together although I've met her family I've never met any of her colleagues and only met one of her friends on a few separate occasions whereas she's met nearly all of my friends and most of my work colleagues. I try to logically look at the situation in that she can be very blunt and hurtful which may be a symptom of her PMDD and as I've said before in her anger she may tell that its over so if there was someone else why wouldn't that have come out in her anger.

          re popcorn and candy- From what i've read many men have said that they do become an emotional punching bag when their partner suffers with PMDD and some of the advice I've read elsewhere says to just try and stay calm, realise this isn't really aimed at you and it's part of the symptoms and that to take it personally can just make things worse. This is the big confusion I'm having is how do I know if it's the PMDD talking or just giving her the anger to express her own inner thoughts? I don't want to be the man who sets up a boundary that pushes someone away when they're going through something awful and need my support and understanding but at the same time what if her actions aren't all down to her condition? As far as her jealousy I try to understand as as you said being insecure is not a crime, I suffer from it as well now and again, so I do try and talk to her and make her see there's nothing to worry about that there's no one else I want but her still if it's one of her bad days even that can end up with her goading me for an argument but I learnt a long time ago not to argue when she's in that place as there's no logic to her thoughts and it just ends with her screaming at me about how I'm not supporting her and a list of everything I do wrong in the relationship and in my own life. I don't want this to sound like I'm naturally one of those browbeaten easily pushed around people as in past relationships the same actions, or less, would have me just saying this is over but then PMDD wasn't involved. As you can see, though i thank you for your comments, I'm still as confused as ever

          Comment


          • re atskitty2 - When I first met her it was just occasionally, It would be totally out of the blue, but the more we saw each other I noticed it could be one or two weeks a month of irritability with occasional outbursts of anger . Then about a year ago, before we knew her menopause was starting it started being 2 weeks plus of lots of anger and anxiety and over the last 5 months its gotten a lot worse with only a few good days a month and the bad days have gone from just occasional outburst of anger to the anger being ready to be unleashed nearly every day. I can hear it in nearly every conversation we have it's almost like she looking for a trigger to pounce on. She started on hrt back in December but before that wasn't doing anything to alleviate her symptoms. It would be interesting to know if those closest to you constantly annoyed you and how much space you needed to just keep your head in a good place when you were going through the changes you went through.

            Comment


            • I think if she's able to hold herself together at work, and with other friends or family, then she needs to use the same restraint with you. You are not her whipping boy. Regardless the cause, regardless of the legitimacy of her emotions, that does not make it ok to lash out at you or treat you so disrespectfully. Period.

              My issues hit hard and fast. I hurled a cast iron pan across my kitchen one day in a fit of rage over something... I was irrational, and completely unreasonable. I recognized, in light of the damage to the floor, that I had a problem. There was little to do about my hormonal changes, my thoughts and feelings, but it is still my responsibility to treat myself and others with respect. I got back in to see my counselor and started working on self control, and understanding how to manage those emotions.

              So, I understand your confusion, but it's really pretty simple. She needs to get this under control. She will still have times she loses it maybe, but those should be the exception. If she's unable to manage, she needs to hole up until she can handle it. It is simply no excuse to treat you poorly. And she has proven she can control it. She's sustaining other relationships, not lost her job, right? So, why unleash on you?

              And there's always the possibility that, this is just who she is in a relationship. Did you ever consider that? This may just be her.

              Comment


              • I may have missed this - but how old did you say she was?
                That which we forget may as well never really happened.

                Comment


                • I absolutely agree with atskitty2. You're not her whipping boy. Just stand your ground and show her you won't take it, take it and take it. But I do understand you love her and want her to be better. I also agree if she is able to keep her temper controlled at work, why can't she with you?

                  I hope things work out in your relationship. I do think you are a very understanding person and she should appreciate what you go through because you love her. I think she needs to realize the value of what she has with you. If she does lose you, then she will have missed out big time.

                  Comment


                  • Thank you all for your replies. I spoke to her briefly yesterday and she explained a little about the pressures she feels under and how her condition is exacerbating everything. I told her I love her and am here for her whenever she needs me , she just went silent, literally stopped talking and I had to ask if she was still there. Eventually she said yes but was obviously annoyed by what I'd said . For the last couple of weeks If I text that I love her I get no reply . I have asked in the past if there's anything else wrong apart from her PMDD/menopause and she usually gets angry and says no and to stop asking as it obviously means I don't understand what she's going through, which makes me feel bad that I may be being too selfish worrying about my self rather than what she's going through.
                    I must admit I'm struggling to cope especially as 6 months ago I put all my eggs in one basket and moved to be closer to her so we could see each other more. I'm not in a financial position to move back home and things haven't really worked out for me where I now live. I don't discuss these problems with her as if I mention personal problems she again gets angry and stressed. I do believe, or want to, that all of this is being caused by her condition but as I said I'm really not coping and have had to call the Samaritans a couple of times over the last few days. I'm mentioning this not for sympathy just as part of how all of this is effecting both our lives. I'm so annoyed with myself that I can't 100% believe that this is all down to what's she's going through and that I need to just be fully supportive and stop worrying about how it's impacting on me.
                    My fear of losing her Isn't a fear of being alone as , and I don't mean this in a arrogant way, I've never had problems meeting new partners, I have no idea why as I'm not tall, rich and handsome! My fear is losing the person I'm in love with . I've not been one of those people who falls in love easily. I've always cared for and respected partners and there was often some love there but I was never In love before. I'm more in an emotional place today than a logical one so sorry If I went off topic a little

                    Comment


                    • Hey there Worried Man Blues - I'm glad you've joined us.

                      So, let's talk about you for a second.

                      1. What are the things you love about this woman?
                      2. What would you miss about her if she was gone?
                      2. What kind of things does she do that make YOU feel good?
                      3. Do you feel loved, respected by her?
                      4. How is your sex life with her?

                      "Be what you're looking for."

                      Comment


                      • Beautiful Disaster
                        In answer to your questions
                        1 I personally think that why you love someone is undefinable it's just an impulse when you find the right person. In the past I've dated women who have been fun to be around, intelligent, caring, beautiful with a great sex life. Still I didn't fall in love with any of them. Sometimes that initial infatuation felt a bit like love but it always wore off for me whereas with my current girlfriend even after all these years It just feels amazing to be around her. I can get overwhelmed just by looking at a photo of her. It's a feeling I never thought existed outside of movies.

                        2 There would be a massive hole if she was gone that nothing else could fill. I love going out and experiencing life with her but also to just be sat in the same room as her when we're both doing different things makes me feel complete. I would miss being able to love someone like this and the feeling of love only she can give me.

                        3 On the occasions that she is in a place to show me love and affection, which admittedly isn't very often now a days, she can reach out and touch my hand and it really does fill me with joy. When she compliments me it's the only time it matters, anyone elses compliments I can take or leave. When she tells me she loves me it's so perfect. On these days she can be caring and kind. No one has made me feel this way before using the same words and the same actions.

                        4. On her good days I do feel love and respected by her on her bad days, to be totally honest, she makes me feel inconsequential and that at any moment she could end this without a second thought. That my problems and me are just a stress to her. My words of admiration or love mean nothing to her and yet a slight compliment from anyone else makes her so happy. As I've said on her good days nothings ever come close to the love I feel from her.

                        5 Our sex life has been non existent over the last 5 months and for a few months before that was just occasional. I admit in similar circumstances in the past I have cheated in these situations but that's something I could never do to her. In the last 5 months I've been propositioned by a few women a couple of which know my relationship status, if not al the details, who have offered me a casual fling. When this has happened I've always firmly but politely refused but inside I'm quite angry that they could be that disrespectful to my partner. When we were having sex it was like nothing before, It wasn't because we were having marathon crazy sessions just that it's never felt like this with anyone else. She can turn me on with the smallest of kisses, by touching my face or even just by looking at me in a certain way. If I could have as much sex as I wanted with someone else or sex once a year with her there would be no contest.


                        She gives me everything I want in life every now and then and then takes it all away for weeks on end and I go through so much pain just waiting for a good day or hour to come round.I have no choice as no one or nothing else has ever made me feel the way she can make me feel. If I lose that, and I'm not trying to be dramatic, there's nothing else worth living for. That's the struggle I'm going through at the moment that if I can't make the girl I love happy what does that say of me and I don't think I could cope with the pain of losing her , even more I don't want to be around to feel that pain and am struggling with some very dark thoughts, like I've said before I'm really not looking for sympathy this is just how it is.


                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by Worried Man Blues View Post
                          Beautiful Disaster
                          In answer to your questions
                          1 I personally think that why you love someone is undefinable it's just an impulse when you find the right person. In the past I've dated women who have been fun to be around, intelligent, caring, beautiful with a great sex life. Still I didn't fall in love with any of them. Sometimes that initial infatuation felt a bit like love but it always wore off for me whereas with my current girlfriend even after all these years It just feels amazing to be around her. I can get overwhelmed just by looking at a photo of her. It's a feeling I never thought existed outside of movies.
                          1. Isn't it strange how one person can do XYZ and it means nothing and when someone else does the same XYZ it seems like the best thing ever? So, I totally get how YOU feel about her. I think it's very apparent you are a very loving person and love her deeply. I'm still digging, though for the things about her you love the most. If someone were to ask me this about my significant other, I'd say it's because he has such a tender heart and every time I see him tear up during a movie I love him more. Because he invests himself into the things I love and loves them along with me...and when I hear him having a (one-sided, of course) conversation with my dog when he doesn't know I'm listening, I adore him even more deeply. Because he is good as gold to everyone he meets. Because he treats my mom like family. Because things with him come easy. Because he's my absolute best friend - we laugh together DAILY and act like total idiots together.

                          See where I'm going with this?

                          Originally posted by Worried Man Blues View Post
                          Beautiful Disaster
                          2 There would be a massive hole if she was gone that nothing else could fill. I love going out and experiencing life with her but also to just be sat in the same room as her when we're both doing different things makes me feel complete. I would miss being able to love someone like this and the feeling of love only she can give me.
                          She must be an exceptional lady!
                          Originally posted by Worried Man Blues View Post
                          Beautiful Disaster

                          3 On the occasions that she is in a place to show me love and affection, which admittedly isn't very often now a days, she can reach out and touch my hand and it really does fill me with joy. When she compliments me it's the only time it matters, anyone elses compliments I can take or leave. When she tells me she loves me it's so perfect. On these days she can be caring and kind. No one has made me feel this way before using the same words and the same actions.
                          If this is never to be any different than it is now, is what you've described above enough for you, for the long haul?

                          Originally posted by Worried Man Blues View Post
                          Beautiful Disaster

                          4. On her good days I do feel love and respected by her on her bad days, to be totally honest, she makes me feel inconsequential and that at any moment she could end this without a second thought. That my problems and me are just a stress to her. My words of admiration or love mean nothing to her and yet a slight compliment from anyone else makes her so happy. As I've said on her good days nothings ever come close to the love I feel from her.
                          It sounds like such a rollercoaster for you....and for her too. I'm very sorry you're going through this. I can tell how much you love this woman.
                          Originally posted by Worried Man Blues View Post
                          Beautiful Disaster

                          5 Our sex life has been non existent over the last 5 months and for a few months before that was just occasional. I admit in similar circumstances in the past I have cheated in these situations but that's something I could never do to her. In the last 5 months I've been propositioned by a few women a couple of which know my relationship status, if not al the details, who have offered me a casual fling. When this has happened I've always firmly but politely refused but inside I'm quite angry that they could be that disrespectful to my partner. When we were having sex it was like nothing before, It wasn't because we were having marathon crazy sessions just that it's never felt like this with anyone else. She can turn me on with the smallest of kisses, by touching my face or even just by looking at me in a certain way. If I could have as much sex as I wanted with someone else or sex once a year with her there would be no contest.
                          But I assume you are not okay with the lack of sex, or are you? It has to be taxing on you, especially emotionally. Is 5 months ago when she began menopause?

                          Originally posted by Worried Man Blues View Post
                          Beautiful Disaster
                          She gives me everything I want in life every now and then and then takes it all away for weeks on end and I go through so much pain just waiting for a good day or hour to come round.I have no choice as no one or nothing else has ever made me feel the way she can make me feel. If I lose that, and I'm not trying to be dramatic, there's nothing else worth living for. That's the struggle I'm going through at the moment that if I can't make the girl I love happy what does that say of me and I don't think I could cope with the pain of losing her , even more I don't want to be around to feel that pain and am struggling with some very dark thoughts, like I've said before I'm really not looking for sympathy this is just how it is.

                          Well, I know I'm just a stranger and WHI is new to you, but I hope that you will stick around here long enough to realize that there IS plenty worth living for. I promise you weren't put on this Earth for only one small purpose. Your task here is far greater and I can see it simply by chatting with you. You have love and light to offer people and there are so many people out there who need it. I will share with you that only 4 years ago, I lost my love to a drunk driver. He was everything to me and more. My present, my future, my dreams, etc. I spent a long time after he was killed absolutely gutted in such a way that I truly couldn't even fathom an ounce of happiness ever again. The world went from vibrant to grayscale. My soulmate was gone. It took me a couple years, but one day I met a guy..not on purpose..life just happened. And THIS guy has made me happier than I have ever felt with anyone in my entire life. I would've firmly told you 4 years ago that wasn't possible. But, I was wrong.

                          With all that said, back to you..... you keep talking about losing her. Are you thinking she's wanting to break up? If menopause is TRULY what is causing this (and it does sound like something hormone related because it comes and goes), she probably doesn't know what she wants from one day to the next. Has she sought any sort of medical help? I'm sure you've talked to her about this on her "good" days, but if you haven't, I think its imperative.

                          I encourage you to never tell her that if you don't have her you won't want to live anymore. No partner should have that kind of pressure on their shoulders. However, you should absolutely seek professional help if your dark thoughts start to become anything more than just thoughts.

                          I read this recently and thought I'd share,

                          "You are not here just to fill space or to be a background character in someone else's movie. Consider this: nothing would be the same if you did not exist. Every place you have ever been and everyone you have ever spoken to would be different without you. We are all connected, and we are all affected by the decisions and even the existence of those around us."


                          "Be what you're looking for."

                          Comment


                          • To me this sounds like a passive/aggressive relationship. A passive/aggressive relationship does not have to be driven by one person trying to manipulate the other. It could be driven by hormones in this case.
                            I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                            ...
                            Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                            From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                            Comment


                            • I'm curious if she asked you to move closer 6 months ago?
                              Was this something that was discussed and agreed upon mutually?

                              Comment

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