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Am I taking partners PMDD too personally?

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  • HI Beautiful Disaster, you asked
    'If this is never to be any different than it is now, is what you've described above enough for you, for the long haul?'


    If I knew that the bad times were definitely being caused by what she's going through then of course I would be there for the long haul, She could take all her frustrations out on me as often as she wanted if I knew it was the hormones talking and deep down she really loved me and wants to be with me. The problem being that I'm not 100% sure this is the case so I spend everyday worrying, when she texts or calls if fills me with anxiety as I'm scared of what she has to say. I feel like I'm living on a knife edge, the worries there from the moment I wake up. I find myself shaking if I haven't heard from her for a while especially if the last text/call wasnt a good one.
    The same with the lack of sex, which did coincide with her finding out about the menopause, like most men if our partner is unwell physically or mentally and sex is off the table we will live with that even though It can be frustrating, I love her and find her so attractive so of course I would like to have as much sex as is possible with her! Like I said before I can cope with this if I know the reason behind it is anything but a rejection of me personally.
    Thank you for sharing the story of what happened in your life and I'm so glad you've found happiness and love again.
    I would never share my dark thoughts with my partner, that would be emotional blackmail which is not a trait I like in people, I would never share these thoughts with anyone who really knows me. I have been phoning helplines everyday for the last week but I'm honestly not in a good place most of the time, the thing that's stopping me is the letter to my parents, they're in their 80's and I do worry what effect it will have on them,I'm just trying to find the right words to explain to them. Again Not asking for sympathy! At this actual moment I'm far from wanting to act on my thoughts but I've seen where my mind can go over the last few months and it's scary once you're back out of that place and you realise what you could have done but when you're down in that place it feels like the only option.

    In reply to atskitty2
    The move was something we discussed and both thought it was a good idea as we wanted to see each other more often, when we were talking about it it just seemed like a stress free, next step decision. we both knew that me giving up my job and having to find new work wasn't ideal but I was ready to take that risk to move the relationship forward .









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    • I think that you both would benefit from some high quality counseling, separately and together. There are very unhealthy things going on in the relationship, and individually, aside from the hormonal issues she's experiencing, if it is indeed hormonal.

      A well trained counselor will be a great resource for you to help sort through all these issues. I suggest you start there. If you are having anything close to suicidal tendencies, you need in-person counseling and more intense treatment than we can provide you here. To even have that thought, in response to the possibility of losing someone, suggests that you have your own issues to work through.We are here for you, for additional support, but you need more specialized care, I believe.

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      • I second atskitty2's post. I think if you're feeling suicidal, and your girlfriend is being aggressive, counselling would benefit you both. You obviously do love her and want the best for you both. There isn't any advice I can give you that will solve things, but there are people out there who CAN help you and save your relationship. It'll be hard, but I would talk to her about going for relationship counselling together. I'd advise counselling on your own, too. I know things are difficult but you're certainly not alone.

        I do hope I've helped.

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        • After I last posted I read it back and realised that I was not in a good place. I made an appointment with my GP who told me what I think I already knew that over the last 6 months I've fallen into a bad depression due to my fears. She's started me on a course of medication and is arranging counselling for me. I'm not going to mention any of this to my partner yet as I want to make sure that this depression I've fallen into has not been colouring my judgement of the situation.I do feel that my mood may have been making things worse for my partner, though I have tried to always remain supportive and not tell of my fears and how down I've been I'm sure there's a big chance she would have picked up on it which couldn't have helped with what she's going through..
          I feel more positive today but am still a little apprehensive for when the depression takes me to places where I seem to have no control and cannot apply logic to my thoughts. *Popcorn&Candy thank you. You have helped as have the others who have taken the time to read and comment and I appreciate it immensely . I will carry on updating about how things progress.

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          • You have taken a step in the right direction. Best wishes.
            I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
            ...
            Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

            From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

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            • I agree. Good call, Worried Man Blues ! I hope you will come back and keep us posted!
              "Be what you're looking for."

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              • I'm so glad you have taken that step. Have you battled depression before? Or is this the first time?

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                • I'm glad you're getting help for your depression. You're not alone and I hope you get better.

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                  • I thought I'd post a quick update as I feel as confused as ever and I'm not in a good place as far as the depression, *atkitty2 this is the first time I've had problems with depression though I have had some problems with anxiety in the past.
                    Since I last posted me and my partner met up for dinner and she was really loving,she kept telling me how much she loved me and you could tell she was touched when I told her all she means to me. It was such a beautiful evening that I didn't bring up any of my concerns as I wanted to enjoy the moment. We had a lovely kiss before she headed home and when I got home I texted her thanking her for a wonderful evening and told her again how much I loved her, I got no reply, The next morning I called and got no answer. I thought she might need some space so didn't text again till the evening asking how she was feeling and she replied that she wanted to be left alone. The next day she called me and was again very loving and sexually flirty. Since then whenever we've talked she's been at best civil, ignores any words of love I say to her and when I tried to be a bit flirty with her yesterday she made me feel like she was disgusted by the thought of me touching her. I'm still as confused as ever. We have talked a little about what she's going through and I try to be as supportive as I can and give her the space she says she needs.
                    What is hurting the most is that it feels like I'm only being shown love for a day or so every few weeks and the rest of the time I feel at best as though I'm an annoyance. Logically this could be to do with her hormones but there's a small but constantly nagging part of me that feels that I'm being fed just enough love to keep me here while she decides if she still wants me.
                    I feel awful that I'm so worried about myself when I should just trust that this is all to do with what she's going through and give her 100% support . I'm not really functioning properly as I wake up anxious wondering If I will hear from her and If I do what mood will she be in and that stays with me all day.
                    I think my biggest fear Is that I'm looking inwards so much that I'm not giving her all the support she needs and that It's me that's making things worse.
                    I've read as much as I can find about what she's going through and how to be supportive but If anyone has any other advise It would be appreciated.


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                    • Quite honestly, this sounds like bread crumbs. Do you know what I mean by that?
                      I think that nagging part of you that thinks you're being fed just enough love to keep you here, is actually your gut trying to tell you something. Listen to it and get out. I've had that thought from the beginning, but, the fact that you even have that in your mind, confirms it for me.

                      You have invested a lot of time in this relationship, given of yourself and I really think it's time to consider letting her go. What I'm seeing is YOU doing all the giving. All the effort is made by you. That's not a healthy, stable relationship.

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                      • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
                        You have invested a lot of time in this relationship, given of yourself and I really think it's time to consider letting her go. What I'm seeing is YOU doing all the giving. All the effort is made by you. That's not a healthy, stable relationship.
                        Precisely.
                        I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                        ...
                        Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                        From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                        Comment


                        • I don't think she has any love or caring for you. From what I can gather from your posts, she has made that abundantly clear. Your love for her won't make her love YOU: she doesn't care how you're feeling. I say this, because she must know you've got depression and anxiety. And her behaviour is not helping your emotions and mental health. I'd take stock and end the relationship. You deserve someone who loves and cherishes you: she does not love and cherish you and never will. I don't mean that nastily: I mean this to say you are a wonderful person and someone out there will want you and will want to care about you. Why should you waste your life with someone who doesn't give a **** about you? Why are you holding on to a dead-end relationship? Again, your love won't change her or her attitude. For your sanity, I'd end things now.

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                          • A good friend of mine put up with a situation like yours for literally years, but when he finally broke up with his "girlfriend" he says it was the best day of his life! He's moved on and found someone who truly appreciates him.

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                            • I think Texasred has made a good point: when you realize you deserve better and break up with her, it will be the best day of YOUR life. I think you're carrying a terrible burden and are living in misery. I know you love her, but why do you accept it as your lot/something you have to live with? I am not trying to be patronizing, but I do feel my points are valid. You can't fix her or change her with your love. I think the relationship is beyond repair. I do also feel she is taking you for a mug and from what I can gather, has no respect for you.

                              I know I am being harsh, but this is what I think from reading your posts.

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                              • I'm a newbie on here.Hunted for any kind of comfort regarding this exact issue. I have PMDD, been married for close to 3 years. I took a trip to see my family overseas recently and the first day got back, I was instantly tense, afraid and anxious. No particular reason just because I was in his presence again and would have to watch myself.
                                You see, he has never been supportive of this diagnosed issue. Like all men who don't research the seriousness of this debilitating condition, he assumes I'm making it up or using it as an excuse to be verbally loud and erratic towards him. Even though there is now so much information regarding this and my doc even tried talking to him. This is NOT true. I love my husband so much and when I'm not experiencing a bad day, I show him love him,respect and I'm affectionate, apologetic for my behavior (which I'm certain hurts him so much).

                                When in this "mood" I ca be a totally different person. I don't do anything reckless, like cheat, go to bars and try toxic ways to feel better.After a yelling session, which seems very reasonable to me at the time, I drive out the house to a parking lot to wallow in the shame as I slowly calm down and "come back to my right mind. The feeling is horrifying and shameful.

                                When I'm experiencing this state of mind, its very physical too. My heart is pumping vigorously, my BP rises, I feel sick inside my head (head hurts a different way than regular). I sometimes feel like throwing stuff but I recognize the symptoms and just flee the scene. I've never been in denial and have always tried to seek treatments as I research. I scream out loud and pace the floor and act like a crazy person.I hate it.

                                My husband now wants a divorce because of this-he told me last Sunday that he tried to give me a chance "to change" , as if this a personality or character issue. I've been a mess since. I play cool at work and hide my feelings but the second I got home, I would feel helpless again. I have given him space this past week, didn't beg for forgiveness like I usually do and have told him sorry for the umpteenth time. What KILLS me is that he wants to split not because of infidelity, not because he doesn't love me anymore...but because of this condition that has destroyed all respect, or good view he has ever had of me. Add the fact that he doesn't accept this is a medical condition to the mix and I cant convince him otherwise.

                                Imhurting that my husband cant love through this If he became disabled (God forbid) I would hands down devote my life to making him feel normal and loved again. Im hurting that he stopped me from taking antidepressants which could've helped by saying he doesn't want be with someone who takes them.

                                If you love her and choose to support her, please do IF she is willing to get treatment. There is no point in staying if she is in denial. She will just hurt your kind heart more.Plus you're not married yet.
                                I wish my husband cared as much as you.

                                Best wishes to you kind soul and to all reading, please send positive thoughts and payers for my marriage.

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