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A son is a son till he takes a wife

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  • A son is a son till he takes a wife

    I am reeling at the fact that my 25-year-old son has more or less gone out of communication with me after moving in with his girlfriend. They say a son is a son until he takes a wife, but I honestly thought we were too close for this to happen.There are many possibly extenuating circumstances. I have a new partner of just over two years. He reckons it does not help to talk about such things, you make decisions and move on. I don't agree and that is why I looked for this forum.

  • Awwww I understand how you feel. I have a 19 year old son who I know will be where you're at before I know it! The only think I can say is just try to embrace his new life and this person who is making him happy. What ever you do don't become "that" mother in law who is jealous and resentful of the wife/girlfriend. Of course not saying you are.... but I really think its easy to fall into that and not even realize it. Enjoy your new adventures and try and do things with them as couples. That could be fun!

    I hope something I said helps you feel a little better. (((HUGS))) I know, I wish I could keep them little forever... they grow up so fast!

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    • What are some of those extenuating circumstances? I don't think him moving in with his girlfriend has to mean he can't be an active part of your life anymore.

      Is she maybe telling him to keep his distance or could he be afraid of being seen as a momma's boy if he has too much contact with you?

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      • One day they have to fly the roost... We bare them, but they are in-dependent and have to have their own life.

        Remember, "girlfriend" is lusting stage and they want to spend as much time together as possible, at some point, they then allow other's back into their life, and new people as well.

        If you were close, you will always be close.

        Just not in the fashion that you had with "time" but definately with "love"...

        You have a new life yourself, it's also time for you to enjoy that new life... You've done the nurturing... It's your turn too.

        CW
        PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

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        • you don't want to be one of those moms that competes with her son's gf. his love for you is different than his love for her. I had a boyfriend once, whom his mom wanted to be number one in his life. She wanted him to answer her calls WHENEVER she called. She went as far as making him feel bad because he didn't attend to her when she wanted. TRUST ME. you DON'T want to be that mom.

          He'll have time for you. just be patient.

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          • oh, and also, you might not know what his work life is. if he's busy or anything like that.

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            • just continue to let him know that u love him so if his present life disintegrates he won't hesitate to resume communications with you
              [I]a smart man learns from his mistakes..a wise man learns from the mistakes of others..[/I]

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              • Embrace your sons gf, embrace her. If you are distant to her, she's not going to want to spend time around you --- so you will see less of your son. If you go out of your way to be friendly to his gf she will be the one nudging him for going and visiting you.

                They may break up... or this may the be the future mother of your grandkid(s) so I don't know how your relationship is with her, but even if she's not the choice you'd have made for your son, embrace her.

                If he feels like you are unhappy with his choice, it will feel like you are unhappy with him -- since he is the one that made that choice. Just be open, friendly... don't get on the "hey why don't you call me anymore" kick... it'll just make the calls and visits less frequent as they wont want to sit and here how bad they are for hours.

                Invite them for a sunday dinner every couple of weeks, something you make or some inexpensive place you guys can gather and catch up on each others lives.

                Your son loves you so much, and him not contacting you as often doesn't mean his love is any less. It means he is secure in your love, he knows it'll be here... his girlfriend, this is new this is not as bonded as the love you have for him so right now he's adjusting and putting all his time and effort into transitioning into moving in with her and making things work.

                He knows mom will be there at the end of the day if he needs her. Kids are selfish beings, later in life he will realize all you sacraficed for him and be sorry for the times he took you for granted, but don't hold your breath lol.

                Just love him as you do and try to be active in his life without being intrusive.
                Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.

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                • thats beautiful HD and i agree with you absolutely.

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                  • The first time I heard that saying "A daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son until he takes a wife" was from my mother in law and I have to say, it's BS.
                    I think your relationship with your son is a strong and sustainable and you as a mother make it to be.
                    When I met my husband it did seem to me that his mother was happy for him but when he moved in with me and and stopped going home things turned to me feeling as though I had done something wrong. She in fact in the past has told me "aren't you happy, you got what you wanted, you took him away from us". I was shocked and very heartbroken that she would say that to me. I never intended on taking her baby boy away from her but I deserve to have the full attention of by husband and not a little boy who can't cut the strings don't I?
                    I once read of a mother who did exactly that for her daughter in law. At her son and new daughters wedding reception after the cake cutting she actually gave her son a pair of scissors and had him cut the strings of the apron she was wearing and then she handed them to her new daughter.
                    I think Mothers need to look at it as they are gaining something rather than loosing something and maybe there won't be as much strife in in law relationships.
                    I looked at joining my husbands family as gaining another mother but sadly that's not how its turned out and it really does hurt me.

                    Being a mother, I am being proactive in this and I pray daily for my son's future wife (even though he's only 9) that she is being raised by loving and kind, trustworthy and faithful parents and that she is being raised with the skills to be a good wife to my son and a good daughter to me and that I will be willing and open to love her.

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                    • a son is a son till he takes a wife

                      I felt just as you did when I my child was young, but until your children are grown the saying will not mean much. I only have 1 son and 1 grandchild and my christmas's are very sad. I always have to accept the holiday with no son and no grandchild. I do live 3 hours away and its our fault that we moved that is why he can't be here for the holidays. How sad is that. I have tried to reason with him, but my holidays and our feelings don't count. He does not want to be in the middle of his wife and his mom. His wife's family and traditions count. I even wanted to alternate, but they can't do that either. I'm very heartbroken. I guess when your son's are grown they have to forget their parents. Oh we should not have x-mas's either they are adults now. So my husband and I sit home and watch x-mas around us.

                      Any young mothers out their who are forgetting your husband family you will walk in our shoes one day. You will feel our pain...

                      Sad in North Carolina

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                      • a son is a son till he takes a wife

                        Do you have children? If not, you do not even know the love of a child from a parent/mom. The birth, love and care. If you do have children, their are other family members to a male spouse who you love. Not just a gf or a wife. Their is a reason someone whould say something mean to a gf/wife. Is that gf/wife only thinking of her feelings and what she wants or does she think about all pieces of a family?

                        You will walk in your mother in laws shoes one day, if you have children. If not then you may not ever understand the love of child from a parents point of view.

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                        • I'm having the opposite problem, my boyfriend's mom doesn't want to share him. Don't get me wrong, I love her dearly, and we get along great, but I'm starting to get tired of being ran over.
                          We've been together for 2 years and are planning on getting married. We've always gotten along with each other's parents. His mom is used to getting her way, with not just him, but her whole family. She likes to be in charge and have all things her way. I had accepted most of the situations to where she would make such a big deal about him spending time with her, and having to go to my family functions alone. I really don't want to put my boyfriend in the situation of feeling as though he has to choose between me and his mom. I don't want to cause problems in their relationship, so I have never let my boyfriend know that this bothers me (It's hard when he's your everything and you have to go to most events alone) . This last time really hurt me though, and I had to say something about the situation.
                          It was during Thanksgiving, and my boyfriend and I wanted to be able to spend time together and time with our families together (because we both feel a part of each others families). His mom's side decided to have their dinner at the same time as my mom's. So I talked my mom's side into moving the dinner back 2hrs. It was a 35min drive between the places and I figured if we went to his mom's moms early we would get to spend enough time with both families. His mom didn't see it this way, she threw a fit and made sure he felt bad enough that he didn't leave her mom's.So in the end I went to her mom's with him and left after an hour and a half, and he felt so bad and didn't want her to throw another fit, that I again had to go by myself. I cried all the way there, I know this may not sound like a big deal to everyone, but the holidays are very important to me and it's important for me to be able to spend time with everyone I love.
                          The other thing that irratates me it's always about her and her family, not her, her husband, and my boyfriend, but about her side of the family. She says he needs to spend more time with her family. She doesn't even go with his dad to his side on the holidays, he has to go by himself, and my boyfriend is expected to spilt that time also.
                          My boyfriend called me later on Thanksgiving and I had been crying again, and he asked what was wrong, so I explained to him that the holidays are important to me and that I want to be able to spend time with him, at both our families. He said that at Christmas we would figure it out so that we will get to but I'm afriad that if his mom throws another fit that it won't happen.

                          Sorry this was so long, just really needed to get it off my chest.
                          I don't think this saying is true at all, definately not in my case anyway.

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                          • this is what happens when they grow up...its not a bad thing but i cant imagine it feeling very nice...dont take it out on his girlfriend though!
                            x~There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy......Her heart!~x

                            x~the wench~x

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                            • "You haven't lost a son, you've gained a daughter"

                              When you're in love it's easy to become preoccupied with your own world. My advice would be to accept it. If you project your feelings onto her and resent her there is a good chance that you will severely damage your relationship with your son. I have a friend who's husband always forgets to call home. He loves his family but wants to spend his free time with is wife. So, his mom will text or call his wife and she'll remind him to call his parents. My brother is also really bad about calling home and my family is extremely close. Often, my parents will call his wife and she'll remind him to call them. However, if you're not accepting of her and he really loves her then he might put up a wall. It has to be difficult to not be the only woman in his life anymore. But this is a huge part of his life now. If you show him that you accept and support their relationship he will be more likely to share things with you later. Stay open and try to befriend her, it's always better to open your life up to a new person. They also say "You haven't lost a son, you've gained a daughter" maybe that could be the case if all goes well. Maybe I'm biased, my in-laws are very rude to me and my husband barely talks to them anymore. It hurts me and puts a huge strain on our relationship. We both wish that they would accept our life together and accept me as a part of their family. I'm the one who always reminds him to call and keep in touch because when he doesn't they seem to blame me. However, it's getting to the point where I just don't care if he calls or not, because they are so awful towards me. We have a son and part of me wants to cut off all contact with them. I don't think I ever would but they have said some really cruel things. Sometimes I think it's because they feel I "stole" him away from them. They barely have a relationship now. It's a shame because I am completely open to having one with them. We could all be a family but they put up a wall. It really hurts my husband too. Please don't do that to your son or yourself.

                              Comment

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