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Expecting Mother in need of Help & Advice

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  • Expecting Mother in need of Help & Advice

    I am eighteen and have just learned that I'm pregnant. I'm in the very earliest stages of pregnancy and haven't even been to a doctor yet. I am in desperate need of advice from any compassionate woman I can find. I just graduated high school this past June; I just moved to a new city, I'm living with a friend in a basement suite and I'm working full-time. My boyfriend still lives back home because this is his last year of high school; I'm a year older than him. He came for a visit one weekend and we had sex. We used condoms, and to the best of my knowledge we used them correctly, but somehow I managed to get pregnant and now I feel like my whole world is falling apart. I don't have a lot of support. I have no relationship with my mother and my father has repeatedly told me not to come home if I get pregnant. I don't have any other family. The friend I live with only works part-time because he's also attending college and I don't want to burden him. My boyfriend wanted me to get an abortion, but I don't think I can do it. Just the thought of stopping my own child from living makes me want to throw up and scream and cry. He's angry with me and is refusing to talk to me because I'm choosing to "ruin his life." I can't consider adoption, either. I know myself and I know that I could never go through pregnancy, labour pains and childbirth just to hand over my baby to a stranger. I would worry every moment of every day and I already love this baby with my entire being; I've loved it since the moment it was conceived. I have no idea what to do now. I have no idea how I'm going to support myself and this baby when I won't even be able to work in a few months. And I love my boyfriend very deeply, I don't want to force him to pay child support. He's still a kid, even moreso than me; he's never had a job, he doesn't drive, and I don't want to suffocate him because I'M the one choosing to keep the baby. Please, if anyone can help me, if anyone has any advice... I really need some grace right now.

  • Well it sounds like your mind is made up: you're going to have the baby and that's that.

    Next step, go to the doctor and have everything confirmed. I don't know too much about pregnancy and babies but I believe that the first few weeks are supposed to be the most unstable for the baby/fetus, so if you're in the 'earliest stages' you need to wait a few more weeks for the pregnancy to 'stabilize' (for want of a better expression).

    Whilst I respect your attitude towards your BF and his role in this, it takes two to tango and he's in this with you, meaning you're both in this together. Once the pregnancy is confirmed you need to talk to him and maybe even his parents to see what support is available to. Your dad is an A-hole if he stands by his assertion that you're not welcome home if you fall pregnant, but I would tell him too, he may even acquiesce and offer financial support.

    Can you tell me please how many weeks/months pregnant you think you are and how you confirmed that you're pregnant?
    "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]


    • I had sex almost two weeks ago and I took a home pregnancy test yesterday that said I was pregnant. But I know that it takes a few days after sex for pregnancy to actually begin so I'm not a hundred percent sure exactly how many days I've been pregnant. I know that my Dad is definitely out of the question; even if he wanted/liked children he doesn't have the means to support me and a child. We barely scraped by when it was just the two of us. As for my BF's parents, I know that they're going to be on their son's side and pressure me to get an abortion, because they know as well as I do that their son isn't ready to be a father, and when I refuse they'll probably shun me the way he is right now. I honestly feel like I'm completely on my own here.


      • As I said, the two of you are in this together - so moral issues aside - there will be a legal obligation for your BF to support you where and when he can, his family ay assume some of that responsibility, but they might not. I think a lot of the absent/part time father thing is a bit of an 'out of sight out of mind' thing, how do you think they'll react?

        You alone are the one who makes the final decision with regard to having this baby, no one else can make it for you, and rightly so. You would be somewhat foolish in my opinion though, not to let all of these 'external' factors influence your decision. You've already told us that you effectively have no support network whatsoever - no friends, family, or money - I'm sorry Cynicat.

        The real question now is: can you bare the thought of raising a child alone on welfare in (I think you call them) projects? It seems that is going to be the outcome unfortunately.
        "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]


        • Having a baby fairly young is not the end of your life. The pregnancy will make a lot of changes in your life, but it is not an impossible situation. What is the situation of getting financial help where you live? If I had to make one suggestion it would be to get a college education by whatever means necessary. That may mean taking a lot of classes online. Make sure it is targeted toward a specific field of work you want to go into. Hopefully by the time your child is ready to go to school, you will have career choices so you can make your own life.

          As for getting pregnant, did you two enjoy some play before intercourse? If you did, or even if you didn't, he could have had pre-cum that he transferred to you with his hands. That may have had sperm in it (there are conflicting studies on this). Also, if he wasn't super careful about transfer when removing the condom, he could have had sperm on his hands that he transferred to you. After having sex, it is possible that semen continued to leak out of his penis, so there are transfer possibilities.
          I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
          Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

          From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


          • First of all, you aren't "choosing to ruin his life." Not method of contraception is 100% reliable, and you both decided to have sex, so there was a possibility of pregnancy. It takes two to tango. Yes, you are the one choosing to keep the baby, but he would rather choose putting you through mental and physical torment in order to keep his life easier.

            Take another PT when you can to confirm that it is still positive. Once you have a second confirmed test, talk to a Dr about getting a blood test done to confirm. My university had a clinic for students, yours might as well.


            • To summarize:

              1) Confirm pregnancy with another test

              2) Go to doctor to have pregnancy confirmed

              3) Upon confirmation from doctor inform your father and your BF's parents. If you want to be merciful give him a chance to tell his parents himself before you do. As Rosekitten has just mentioned, IF (and you don't know for sure yet, his parent/s could be very anti pro choice) him and his parents care little enough for you and your well-being to have to endure the trauma of a termination just to keep their lives easy then they don't deserve much in the way of good will and tact from you. However, be ready for some sort of 'attack', they (his parents) may insist on paternity tests, accuse you of trying to 'trap' him etc, can you deal with all of this?

              4) Attempt to establish as quickly as possible exactly what support you have (if any) as far as your network goes, as JNS rightly pointed out having a child doesn't have to completely take over your life, but it will have an enormous and irreversible impact on it, you do need to think long and hard about what it will be like trying to do this alone. Do you know any single moms? I've met a lot and I know it's not easy for them, raising a child alone on welfare (we call it 'benefit' in the UK) isn't something I'd like to be doing, although I admire those who do.

              5) Once you know exactly who's 'with you' and who isn't, make an informed decision based on your circumstances, I'm sure you'll make the right one, so don't panic.
              "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]


              • I am going to assume you don't have health insurance because of your age (correct me if I am wrong). Go to Planned Parenthood to get a blood test to confirm. Those home tests are not accurate and you are way too early to know for sure. Also Planned Parenthood will be able to counsel you on your options including social services.
                Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)


                • Home tests actually ARE quite accurate. Not really any need to take another one, unless you're bleeding or for some reason think the pregnancy might have terminated itself. Sadly, this is a common ending to all pregnancies - wanted and unwanted. The burden of highly accurate early pregnancy testing is knowing how often miscarriages happen.

                  Moving forward, I'm going to assume you're American. Your doctor will probably count your pregnancy from the first day of your last period. You are likely 4 - 6 weeks pregnant. Forget that during those first two weeks, you weren't even pregnant - that's just how it gets counted since ovulation and implantation dates are hard to pin down. You will indeed want to seek out prenatal care and have a doctor perform a blood test to see if your hormone levels indicate a healthy pregnancy. In your shoes, I would wait until you were at least 3-4 months pregnant to inform your family, just to be sure it's healthy and will go to term.

                  Hit up google and see what free health care is available in your area. As a young pregnant woman, you are almost absolutely eligible for state-funded Medicare. You can probably also get food stamps and WIC. While it's not ideal to need this kind of help, you can thank your country later by using the funds to make a healthy life for you and your child, so that you can be well-paid taxpayers in the future. There is also government subsidized housing in some places, but it really varies. You may want to visit a social worker to see what options you have for financial support programs - there are a lot of them. When you take financial support from the government, though, they will require your child's father to pay his part.

                  Another option for local support is groups that oppose abortion - they often give free pregnancy care, including blood tests and ultrasounds, and in some cases they give emotional support and even throw baby showers for young mothers to be.

                  You mentioned not being able to work in a few months. A healthy pregnant woman can be at work all the way up to delivery - and back at work within weeks after, if they even wait that long. Some women go back to work within days. You can absolutely make a living and support you and your child. It will be hard, but as you've made your decision, you should make the best of it.

                  The next 34-36 weeks will be plenty of time for you to get as ready as you can. Save money, get what support and help you can, and let your boyfriend get over his selfishness and get used to the idea that, like it or not, he helped make a baby. And brace yourself for nastiness from family and strangers alike. People think they can be supremely rude to a pregnant woman just because she's a pregnant woman, no matter what the circumstances of her pregnancy are.
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                  • I don't really have much to add except that many parents will just melt and all antagonism will go out the window once they know they have a grandchild on the way or once the see the child.

                    My baby brother had a child with a young woman before they were out of high school. My father is a pastor of a church and is very opposed to premarital sex and children being born out of wedlock. What made it even worse is that my brother and the young woman weren't even together romantically. They just had sex. This girl had nothing. No money. No job. No family support.

                    She had my niece, a beautiful baby girl. They tested her to make sure she was his. She is. My father and stepmother took her in and gave her a place to stay, helped her go to school and get a job, and helped with child-care. They were more family to her than her own family. She moved out, got into a bind, and they let her move back in. They treated her like a daughter regardless of her and my brother's relationship. She wasn't a model guest in their home either, but they made allowance for her simply because of love. She and my sister formed a bond because my sister had a child around the same time. The entire family rallied around her because now she was family too.

                    There's no guarantee that yours or his parents will come through for you like that, but you should not assume that they won't. Don't assume that they will take his side. Keep in mind that it's not you v. him. It's the mother of their grandchild and their grandchild's well-being v. his selfishness. People who have been around a while appreciate how vulnerable a situation pregnancy is - physically and emotionally. Many people will not side with a selfish child to the exclusion of their grandchild and its mother. They may not even believe in abortion. Don't assume. And if it's not them, it may be an aunt, uncle, or older sibling that can give you a little help. Maybe your mother will come through. You just never know what love will move a person to do. If he won't deal with you, go around him. But let people know. Tell them what you feel and what you're going through. I guarantee you that your situation is compelling. It moved me.

                    Also, I applaud you deciding not to kill your child. I made a similar decision when I was your age. Like you, I couldn't stomach the idea of killing my child to make life "easy" (which is a fallacy because there are all sorts of lifelong emotional and physical problems that can result from killing your child). Don't let people telling you how hard it will be scare you into doing something you feel is wrong. My niece, my brother, and my niece's mother are all fine. My sister and her boys are fine. My mother was on welfare for some years when I was a boy. She and I are both fine. A lot of people now and all throughout history have been in situations like yours and have pulled through and gone on to live happy lives. I wish you well.

                    I guess I did have much to add.
                    "Those sowing seed with tears
                    Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126


                    • ^^^ Good post, I couldn't have said it that well since I have no children in my immediate family and none of my own. Whilst I am pro-choice I respected the decision the OP made and didn't consider it an option here.

                      OP, I hope everything works out, Stillness is bang on the money here, I sincerely hope you experience much kindness and support from those around you :-)
                      "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]


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