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Boyfriend too close to aunts?

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  • Boyfriend too close to aunts?

    My boyfriend and I have been dating a while now, he has no mother and no father, we have a long distance relationship for the time being and he lives with his grandmother helping her with his nieces and nephews. For a while now I have noticed his aunts are constantly consuming his time. One has her own family and the other is single. They both are constantly asking him to see movies, get lunch, so on and so forth taking up hours of our time together. Today I had work and didn't talk to him until about 8 PM and when we finally started hanging out his aunt of course called and insisted she needed money... what did he do? He left and went to go give her money. I brought it to his attention that his aunts require an unhealthy amount of attention from him and he told me "But I haven't seen them in like 8 days." But personally I don't see my aunts for months and don't find it an issue because they're just that... aunts. They do not need that much attention from a grown man that is their family in my opinion... thoughts?

  • #2
    Some families are only the parents and children, others contain many more relatives. I am used to Southeast Asian families so what you describe wouldn't be out of the ordinary. Why do you think that this situation is unusual?
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

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    • #3
      I just find it odd how they expect his time like he's one of their best friends or even a boyfriend. Just makes me uncomfortable how they think he owes them money or that he needs to take them out on what is basically a date. Just don't like that they expect him to drop everything for them whenever they need it and when he tries to decline they get overly upset and angry with him.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by Persuasions View Post
        Just don't like that they expect him to drop everything for them whenever they need it and when he tries to decline they get overly upset and angry with him.
        I realize some families are super close, do lots of things together, and basically have an open door policy
        however, the fact that the Aunts get upset if he tries to set boundaries and say no, doesn't seem right

        them getting upset shows they have certain "expectations" from your boyfriend

        for extended family, that does seem like a lot of together time......that would be way too much time for me to spend with my extended family.....we get along fine, I just prefer more time with immediate family

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Persuasions View Post
          I just find it odd how they expect his time like he's one of their best friends or even a boyfriend. Just makes me uncomfortable how they think he owes them money or that he needs to take them out on what is basically a date. Just don't like that they expect him to drop everything for them whenever they need it and when he tries to decline they get overly upset and angry with him.
          Have you ever stopped to think that perhaps he likes the close relationship he has with his family, he has no parents so he may have built a strong bond with those who have cared for him. As for your statement ' he takes them out on what is basically a date'...... rubbish. Family members can go out to eat or see a movie, these pastimes are not just solely for b/f & g/f. I'd take my grandson to the movies and I certainly wouldn't consider that a date!
          You should embrace the fact that he is family orientated, it's a lovely thing! If he's not complaining, why should you.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Persuasions View Post
            he has no mother and no father
            What does this mean? They're dead? Have his aunts sort of taken the role of mother/parent?


            Originally posted by Persuasions View Post
            But I haven't seen them in like 8 days
            Going over a week without seeing someone doesn't sound like they're “constantly consuming” your time.

            I'm like you. I can go months without contacting my aunts and uncles, but I would never say they're “just aunts and uncles.” I have had periods where I spent more time with them. I saw one of my mother’s bothers almost every day for a few months and it was one of the most memorable times of my life. I have a connection with him and one of my father’s sisters that is in some ways deeper than the one I have with my parents. The love I feel for my aunts and uncles is powerful.

            If you try to come between his family, there's going to be loss. If you ever managed to marry, can you imagine how you'd feel then? How would they feel about you? What would you take from him if you damaged his relationships with family? Could you instead spend time with them too?

            My family loves my wife and they love her. It's the same with hers. We spend time with them. We’ve vacationed with them. We've helped them and have been helped by them as a couple. We really feel like we gained family by marrying. It doesn't have to be a competition or a struggle.
            "Those sowing seed with tears
            Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

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            • #7
              I'd like to know more about the family dynamics also. Where are the parents and by whom was he raised? How did he grow up? Do the others all socialize together also?

              Are they really getting upset or angry? Or is it disappointing for them that he's unable to join?

              What is the deal with the money thing? Does he owe them money or have some sort of agreement for something?

              I'm not all that close to my family but I've vacationed with my nephew since being single. We get along well, he's an adult and makes a good travel partner. He's like a brother. We realize sometimes people think we are a couple because there's only 13 yrs difference in age... It's quite comical actually.

              Are you thinking something inappropriate is going on?

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              • #8
                What upsets me most is his aunts are VERY unappreciative of the things he does and the time he puts in for them. They EXPECT him to do these things and when he doesn't it's a huge ordeal. Last night his aunt ended up using him for money, lying about the reason. He gives money out freely to family members, or atleast the female ones because he's quite wealthy and was raised to care for the females more. His mother and father both passed away and were NEVER good parents to begin with, mother a druggy and dad just not around. However, his aunts did NOT take parent role. Nobody took the role as his parent he just grew up in a bad situation and learned to deal with it. It would be a whole different story if this were the case, but it isn't. His aunts just expect jos time and attention often, most likely because he has money. It just makes me so upset he doesn't realize this and ends up getting hurt because they don't really care about him at all, just his money. I still do find it odd they spend so much time together, as stated above ^^^^ extended family isn't usually people you spend this much time with. They aren't "disappointed" when he can't attend, the are full out angry and make him feel bad about himself if he isn't able or doesn't want to go out with them.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Persuasions View Post
                  . They aren't "disappointed" when he can't attend, the are full out angry and make him feel bad about himself if he isn't able or doesn't want to go out with them.
                  persuasions
                  that was a "red flag" when I read your first post as caring family members don't get livid when one says no about doing something

                  but just say "ok" and "maybe next time"


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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Persuasions View Post
                    What upsets me most is his aunts are VERY unappreciative of the things he does and the time he puts in for them.
                    Okay, now I see your point. Does he?

                    If he doesn't, that's not a good sign. You should probably plan on dealing with bitterness over this issue for the rest of your life if you're going to be with him.
                    "Those sowing seed with tears
                    Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

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                    • #11
                      I can see where you're coming from Persuasions. It doesn't seem right for his aunts to get overly upset and angry with him. I can also see what other people are saying. It's great that he's family orientated but there should be breathing room, too. I am taking the middle ground on this issue, as I think there is a lot of information we don't have.

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