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Lost trust in relationships and the holy matrimony called marriage these days

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  • Lost trust in relationships and the holy matrimony called marriage these days

    Hi All,

    I'm new to this site and my main purpose to get on here is to hear from my fellow women about prejudice towards women everywhere. We have come so far in this day and age with technology and scientific advancements, but still topics like gender equality and women's equal rights to men are being discussed. Dont know if to call this hipocracy or media games to drive attention to women being an inferior race and obviously making tons of money out of such footage.

    I am an independent single woman who is turning 30 and ofcourse the question on everyone's lips is so when are you tieing the knot?! Well, my response often is Im not in a relationship in the first place and want to scream at them by saying it is impossible to get into one because most men just want to get into my pants as with other women as well.
    Truth be told, despite people telling that there are tons of great guys out there, dont be pessimistic about not being able to settle down, in my head Im going why is it considered settling down for a woman only after she gets married and has a kid or two? Why can women just not be single? Is it a curse to be single and owning your own things in life and not have a man do that for you?

    Moreover, you see relationships and marriages around you surrounded by so many lies that makes me sick to my stomach. I was seeing a guy for 3 months and I had just recently started attempting to put my trust back into finding a guy who I can fall in love with and trust fully to have a pile of lies hit my entire nervous system. Ofcourse I was blinded and stupid to fall for someone who looked charming. But again am I or is any girl stupid for that matter being in my shoes? After several conversations and being completely honest to him about what I was looking for in terms of a relationship being for the long haul, I felt that I was able to trust this guy given he told me that he was looking for the same. Trusted him to the point that I slept with him on our first date despite a screeching voice telling me dont! I let my emotions get the best of me and wanted to feel great for a change. What's wrong with that right?! Looking back at all this looks like the biggest crime I could have committed because obviously this guy took me for granted after that possibly thinking Im easy and perhaps have done it several times before, hence a **** and our conversations naturally started getting more sexual in nature and things got intimate. I had confronted him several times asking if he wasn't hiding anything from me and this is really for real. He confirmed all along that he was extremely attracted to me and wanted things to turn out to the positive in the future- the long haul.
    Two big flags I could not get my head around at the time were that he had an Instagram account that he said he didnt use and as a result turned down my interest to add him as a friend and the other big flag was he wanted to have unprotected sex to feel closer to me and be more intimate. When I told him he is crazy and that risks pregnancy for the both of us when our relationship is so new, his response was if I got pregnant to abort it because it is lifeless until it has a nervous system so wont be a crime and "**** happens".
    I distanced myself mentally from him a bit after all that was said and done to finally get a message saying so there is a reason why he cant see me anymore. His parents set him up to be married to someone who is within his family network. My response in my head was great! Here we go with me the girl being collateral damage when his marriage was set all along and I was a play toy! Or that i was seeing someone not strong enough to standup against his parents. My outloud reaction obviously was a mixture of both and the last message was congratulations you've just chopped your balls and handed then to your parents!After several messages I sent trying to jolt his conscious he had blocked me and moved on in his life and Im left worthless and heartbroken all out of the stupidity of my own acts and choice to trust him. On digging further, he had already been engaged to this other girl sonce the beginning of the year and I found videos of his lavish wedding with everyone looking so happy celebrating away a lie! The girl calls him her bestie and her love of life and oh my god! My stomach wanted to burst out feeling disgusted that people live in such lies and this relationship he has tied with this girl is a total lie they wilo be living with for the rest of their lives.

    Is this a marriage anyone would want and probly end up being in blindly without knowing the other person's reality for the rest of their lives? How can men like this guy live with this and women like me or anyone esle be judged for being single?

    Your suggestions and advise will be greatly appreciated.

    Thank you

  • #2
    Welcome to WH!

    Unfortunately there are guys out there who are lying snakes. In today's age, the tools to search the background of someone are available. I'm sorry that this happened to you. It's good it didn't get any farther. You are not worthless. Best wishes.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

    Comment


    • #3
      Welcome to WH!

      Why can't women just be single, you ask? You can if you so chose. I know several single women. They have homes, careers, take vacations, etc. They are over 40 and living their lives.
      You can learn to be happy with the choices you make for yourself and ignore the critics.

      Live by your values. If you do want to marry, take your time and find the right man for you.

      Comment


      • #4
        Welcome bravehearted!

        I agree that there's a lot of lack of respect between people and for marriage these days. I really appreciate you acknowledging the mistakes you made in this case too.

        It's good not to lose perspective, though. Just because we made some mistakes and someone was dishonest doesn't mean all relationships and marriages are a sham. It's hard to have that perspective when we're hurting. But time heals all wounds. Best wishes!
        "Those sowing seed with tears
        Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

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        • #5
          Well, sometimes we see what we want to see and ignore the warning signs until it's too late. What you need to do is to trust your inner self, you need to define your wants and needs and wait to find that person that can fulfill your needs.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by jns View Post
            Welcome to WH!

            Unfortunately there are guys out there who are lying snakes. In today's age, the tools to search the background of someone are available. I'm sorry that this happened to you. It's good it didn't get any farther. You are not worthless. Best wishes.
            Thank you Jns for your response and advise. Your quote is motivating indeed. Feeling all my fellow women's support in this is very helpful that will help me rise above this and learn to be prudent and do all the possible homework about any potential guy when I'm ready to look for a relationship again. Can you help me with referencing some tools I can use in the future to search someone's background please? There is social media such as Facebook and LinkedIn always of course, but those can be doctored easily too so not sure if they would be best options.

            Thanks again

            Best wishes right back

            - Bravedhearted

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by amy40 View Post
              Welcome to WH!

              Why can't women just be single, you ask? You can if you so chose. I know several single women. They have homes, careers, take vacations, etc. They are over 40 and living their lives.
              You can learn to be happy with the choices you make for yourself and ignore the critics.

              Live by your values. If you do want to marry, take your time and find the right man for you.
              Couldn't agree more amy40! Thank you for your response and support. Means a lot! Reminds me of Beyoncé's song, " Who runs the world?- Girls!"

              Best wishes,
              Bravehearted

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Stillness View Post
                Welcome bravehearted!

                I agree that there's a lot of lack of respect between people and for marriage these days. I really appreciate you acknowledging the mistakes you made in this case too.

                It's good not to lose perspective, though. Just because we made some mistakes and someone was dishonest doesn't mean all relationships and marriages are a sham. It's hard to have that perspective when we're hurting. But time heals all wounds. Best wishes!
                Thank you Stillness I love our quote! It definitely brightens me up and puts me in the path of healing myself from this and looking forward holding my head held high!

                Best wishes,
                Bravehearted

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Claret View Post
                  Well, sometimes we see what we want to see and ignore the warning signs until it's too late. What you need to do is to trust your inner self, you need to define your wants and needs and wait to find that person that can fulfill your needs.
                  Absolutely Claret. This entire experience gives me clarity on what men can be like despite all the show. I had to see things hit me the tough way this time around so that the rest of my life can be more in the good store of things and above all with more vigilance towards people like this. I will indeed be patient and wait till I get my thoughts aligned and clarified taking away a lot of positive from all this. It wasn't too late for me as I was seeing him for a short period of time so definitely thankful that it didn't get so far. I have my entre life ahead of me

                  Thank you so much for your support and advise.

                  Best wishes
                  Bravehearted

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by bravehearted87 View Post
                    Can you help me with referencing some tools I can use in the future to search someone's background please? There is social media such as Facebook and LinkedIn always of course, but those can be doctored easily too so not sure if they would be best options.
                    I would start by putting the name in Google with quotes around it. Use Intelius to get background information on family and locations. Search on family, too. Use ZabaSearch for addresses and phone numbers. More searching. Pay versions can be helpful but may not add anything. Search local newspapers. If someone is from a computer dating forum, search on any bit of information such as ping their email server for the ip address and then tracert that address to get an idea of where it is located and/or who owns it (the servers the trace goes through are first local, then backbone, then local to the email server - just lately I was tracing one from Kenya that had an email server in the United Kingdom - make sense since Kenya was a British colony - the guy seemed to make money putting out targeted advertisements that seemed informational). Keep on leveraging any information to find the next information. If you pay someone to do a background check, they will do the same thing, but if they are good, they will have street smarts about where to find information that I don't know of. Social media works by seeing what type of people a person hangs out with in real life. I would be leery of someone who seems to be good but hangs out with thugs. If everyone else is boasting about going to strip clubs .... hmm. If you want to go farther, you can use keystroke loggers, sniffers and the like. If you want to and have the technical know how, sniff your own ports after giving access to your home computer network. Anything in plaintext is easily understandable.
                    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                    ...
                    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      You've hit the nail on the head, amy40. Being a single woman does not make somone a loser or no-hoper. Plenty of women live rich, rewarding lives: and are single. In fact, I'd rather be single than be in some dead-end relationship.

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                      • #12
                        I remember being in my early 30's Managing Restaurants, happily too I might add, a lot of friends, going out after work, also having both men and women wanting to get into my pants and also having family pushing on this "clock" ticking thought pattern.

                        I got married at 37 and you guessed it, to someone who "looked charming" had some life in him, why not, there was some love, not deeply but enough I thought after all 37. Only to find out once married, he changed his mind on everything including kids.

                        When I left him at 44, I made a vow to look deeper at myself, to only accept what I would accept in a relationship, wanted out of a relationship and you know what everything changed. I could see the wolves from the wolves, well they were all wolves :P And, would just smile and walk. One day I out of the blue met this guy, I liked his walk and smile and 2 hours later after talking and talking handed him my business card and said "ring me" ... I married him 2 years ago and he's my soul mate.

                        Who can tell when the person the right person, the one for us is going to enter our lives? Not our parents or people seeing our age, not even us until it happens.. But it happens.

                        So stay true to yourself, don't accept anything less than what you are after in life, he's out there.

                        Nothing wrong being single either kinda fun

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