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Problem with boyfriend's family

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  • Problem with boyfriend's family

    Hi everyone! I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we have a great relationship. We get along, we work together, we make each other laugh. The biggest problem is with his family, and I don't know what to do. I think I just have to suck it up, but I'm hoping that things will change in the future.

    He's an only child of a single mom, and he still lives at home with his mom and his aunt because they don't make a lot of money and he said that if he were to move out, they wouldn't be able to afford to live there anymore. He did recently tell them that he was thinking of moving out and buying a house with me. They didn't take it well. His aunt doesn't work due to a disability, and because she doesn't have a lot to do during the day, she's always calling or texting him, or asking him to go places with her. When we're out together, she's calling to see what we're doing or if he's coming home for the night (or staying at my place). She always needs to know what days he has off from work, calls him in the morning to wake him up (even if he tells her not to because he sets an alarm), etc. It just seems like too much. I've talked to him about it and he said he talked to her, but she said that's just the way they are - they're close. She told me that if I don't like it, I can leave. That maybe we want different things out of a relationship, but I don't get that from what he's told me himself. She will help herself to money from his bank account (I don't know why she has access) if she's running low, she shares an Apple account with him because she doesn't know how to make her own, just a bunch of little things that irk me a little bit.

    But like I say, we have a great relationship otherwise. We don't yell or fight with each other, we work out our problems in a productive way. He tells me he can see himself being with me for the rest of his life. I do see small steps of him pulling away from them, but I feel like the closer he gets to me, the more she's calling him to find out what he's doing. I feel like I've exhausted my efforts in bringing it up, because he'll tell her that it bothers me, and then there's tension. She's not changing and she probably never will, because it seems that's just the type of person she is. I just don't know how to deal with it.

  • You are a threat to his aunt's lifestyle so that is the reason she doesn't put any value on his relationships. Maybe you can see if your bf is willing to create some separation, such as a separate bank account (it would be needed if you two buy a house together.)

    Tight familial bonds are valued in some cultures more than others.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

    Comment


    • That is some bond between your boyfriend and his family. But there should also be a bond between your boyfriend and yourself. You'll never be able to override his family, so I would just be patient and understanding when talking to your boyfriend about the situation. If nothing changes, then the future isn't bright. I don't know if that will be a deal breaker for you. You seem to have the perfect relationship but if you're unhappy with the family, you may have to write the relationship off, because I don't think it'll ever change. Do you really want to always come second? I'm not telling you what to do, but some serious decisions have to be made.

      Comment


      • Originally posted by kay0009 View Post
        He's an only child of a single mom, and he still lives at home with his mom and his aunt because they don't make a lot of money and he said that if he were to move out, they wouldn't be able to afford to live there anymore. He did recently tell them that he was thinking of moving out and buying a house with me. They didn't take it well.
        he's the child, not the spouse and shouldn't feel he has to stay there because his aunt and mom are living above their means

        kids should NOT live with their parents after age 23 or 24 as it just stunts their growth as an individual
        parents should want their kids to move out and grow up


        Comment


        • Originally posted by amy40 View Post

          he's the child, not the spouse and shouldn't feel he has to stay there because his aunt and mom are living above their means

          kids should NOT live with their parents after age 23 or 24 as it just stunts their growth as an individual
          parents should want their kids to move out and grow up

          I think they make him feel guilty about it, cause she always says "well it does help a lot having you pay the mortgage, but i understand if you want to move out...."
          She even told him that if he were to move in with me, he could pay on their mortgage still too because his name is on the title. Which I don't agree with.
          I can see him starting to separate himself a little more but I think they just don't want him to leave and he feels caught in the middle. He told me he doesn't want to abandon them.

          Imo, they would be fine. They pay $200 for TV & Internet and she just bought herself a $400 iPad. They can cut down on things like that if they're worried about losing their house.

          He also says he feels bad because she's lonely. I feel like she should just get a hobby. It's not up to him to put his life on hold for them.

          Comment


          • Originally posted by Popcorn&Candy View Post
            That is some bond between your boyfriend and his family. But there should also be a bond between your boyfriend and yourself. You'll never be able to override his family, so I would just be patient and understanding when talking to your boyfriend about the situation. If nothing changes, then the future isn't bright. I don't know if that will be a deal breaker for you. You seem to have the perfect relationship but if you're unhappy with the family, you may have to write the relationship off, because I don't think it'll ever change. Do you really want to always come second? I'm not telling you what to do, but some serious decisions have to be made.
            I try to be. Over the years of us dating, I've seen a lot of improvement on his end as opposed to his aunt's. I feel like the closer he gets to me, the more threatened she feels. She tells me she loves me and wants us to be together, but her actions speak otherwise. She DOES NOT need to know what he's doing every minute of the day!!!! And I'm starting to see his frustration with it too. We were driving somewhere the other day and she called and he ended up taking the wrong turn and he kinda grumbled and said "I wish she wouldn't call so **** much." And I talked to him about this a while ago that they need some separation, he talked to his therapist (he has OCD and so does his aunt) about moving out and being independent of them and she told him that would be the best thing to do. I just don't think his aunt is taking it very well and is trying to make him feel guilty about leaving. In my post above, I mentioned that she sort of talks to him like this: "well it does really help having you pay the mortgage and help with the bills, but maybe it would be good having you move out on your own and be independent..."

            Comment


            • Originally posted by kay0009 View Post
              They pay $200 for TV & Internet and she just bought herself a $400 iPad.
              like I said above, living above their means

              we don't pay for TV, we only have free antennae tv, and for a long time no Internet, also
              we went to the library to get on the internet

              they can cut back and let him go, he needs to see that
              he's paying for their "luxuries"



              Comment


              • Originally posted by amy40 View Post

                like I said above, living above their means

                we don't pay for TV, we only have free antennae tv, and for a long time no Internet, also
                we went to the library to get on the internet

                they can cut back and let him go, he needs to see that
                he's paying for their "luxuries"


                that's what I've been trying to tell him. update tho: we had lunch today and he told me that he spoke to them last night about finances and it just wouldn't be feasible for them to live in that house without him there. he didn't exactly say he's staying there to help them, but that's what was implied.
                he said they'd have to put the house up for sale, leave it on the market, wait for it to sell, find a new place.... it would take a lot of time and work. (people do it all the time tho lets be honest)
                so i don't really know what to do. he dropped me off and i said i had to think about some things. i'm not hearing him say "i'm going to continue living at home because i want to" but it's more "they need me contributing or they'll lose the house." i feel like he needs an outsider's perspective and some time away from each other and taking a break might give him the clarity he needs, as much as i don't want to do that.

                Comment


                • he's been your boyfriend for 5 years
                  ​are you just finding out now their financial well being depends on your boyfriend?

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by amy40 View Post
                    he's been your boyfriend for 5 years
                    ​are you just finding out now their financial well being depends on your boyfriend?
                    no, i know that he pays a third of everything. but i guess it never really occurred to me that it would hold him back from moving out.
                    and she goes out to eat a lot, and buys things so i never really thought they had it that bad.
                    to me, i feel like a normal family would say "if this is what you want to do, go ahead and be happy, we'll figure our finances out and we'll be okay"

                    Comment

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