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Could you help me understand?

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  • Could you help me understand?

    We met on a dating app and things started fast. He already had our second date planned before our first date. We had a great time, I felt like we had a connection and I thought I had finally met someone that wanted a relationship. After two weeks he wanted to meet my family, and after a month we became the well-known facebook official. He told me he loved me during this time and took me to Disneyland. Then by month two he is telling me he wants to marry me, which later turned to him talking about kids and that future. He even mentioned a few times about throwing out my birth control. He gave me nice gifts, even got my mom flowers and a cake for her birthday. He seemed so charming and nice, he would bring me lunch to work sometimes kinda thing. He hung up pictures of us on his walls, always asked me to stay the night and leave clothes there. I honestly felt happy despite the speed of the relationship; he treated me well it seemed.
    Two weeks before our relationship ended he became distant, hot and cold. He stopped the kids/marriage talk but would still call me and tell me he loved me. During this time I was feeling insecure I asked him if he still wanted me to move in with him soon because it was his idea and he said yes. Three days later he dumped me. He started crying telling me he doesn’t want to live here after graduating in May and that his job is going to place him elsewhere. He would feel guilty if I moved for him like he moved for his ex and it didn’t work out and it was the worst time in his life. Followed up by saying im the second person hes ever loved and care about, hardest thing he’s done in his life, etc. After he was done I was crying, he asked me if I wanted to eat, WHO does that?
    We had dinner a week later for him to tell me the same things and act like he wanted to see me happy and hated hurting me, would always be there for me. During this week he changed his status to single and deleted our pictures. Forward a few weeks he untagged himself in everything, he is hiking with this random woman. Few weeks later they are in a relationship, he blocked me and my friends on facebook and Instagram. Somehow he is still watching my Snapchats even after I unfriended him.
    First meeting him he mentioned his ex cheated on him, that ex come to find out is ex wife. He only ever mentioned ex. She still has their engagement photos up. They were married 4yrs, I think I met him 4 months after divorce. They began following each other again a week before we broke up. Also found out he started that job here and isn’t even moving. He already met new womans family and they have pictures up to. I feel crushed and confused.We were together for 5-6mos.

    I thought he was the sweetest guy. He seemed so caring and loving. Then this. I’m truly confused and hurt. I trusted this person. Too soon I did perhaps. I guess my friends or most of them never cared for him citing that they believed he was too nice and charming and it came across as very fake to them as well as an ego. Not sure what did to warrant this. He didn’t even want to try to work things out or communicate anything that was bothering him. How does someone go from treating me so nicely to this? I still have these nice gifts from him and not sure what to do with them.

  • He's a flake.

    This new relationship of his will likely follow the same pattern yours did.

    I'm always a little concerned when men wanna move so fast. It's not healthy.

    Sorry you're hurting. It's a hard lesson learned.

    Comment


    • Why do you think he or men want to move that fast?

      definitely a hard lesson learned!

      Comment


      • It sounds like he has to be in control. Ouch. Let it be a life lesson. As far as the gifts, if they cause too much pain, give them to charity or sell them.
        I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
        ...
        Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

        From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

        Comment


        • I think it's different reasons.
          Sometimes they seem to just want the satisfaction of knowing they can win the woman and that she is that dedicated, even though they know they aren't

          Control, as mentioned.

          Sometimes it really seems to be a hurtful, intentional conquest to run over people, as they don't seem to maintain male friendships either.

          Some people have no idea how to cultivate a relationship, or what they want or need....

          There are many reasons...I think.
          You'll probably never know the reason.

          The important thing is to learn the lessons from this. Set your own boundaries and have some control. Know what YOU want.
          Evaluate the warning signs you missed before, and figure out what else you could have done differently.

          Not that it's your fault, but you're responsible for your participation on his roller coaster.
          Hugs
          Last edited by atskitty2; 03-15-2018, 07:04 PM.

          Comment


          • [QUOTE=Ko0519;n801492]Then by month two he is telling me he wants to marry me
            They were married 4yrs, I think I met him 4 months after divorce.

            unfortunately, he hadn't been divorced that long, so you met him on the rebound.....he's wasn't ready yet
            it's possible he did fall for you quickly but in a moment of clarity realized "what am I doing?" people need time to heal after divorce

            but don't give up on love!

            and relationships can go that fast
            husband asked me to marry him two mos after our first date and we married four mos after engagement
            but we also worked together and saw each other/dated a lot in that short time

            Comment


            • Hi Amy! Thank you for your response! It hurts cause I fell for him sadly and then I was just discarded like I never meant anything to him. I don’t know why if he did actually care about me why he couldn’t communicate it with me. Then the lies on top of it was another blow. I actually just found out two days ago that him and the new gf already broke up. Thoughts?

              Comment


              • Ko, I feel for you. It's not always about something you've done or said. I'd say, he didn't deserve you, he wasn't ready for you.
                I hope you will try again: he's out there, looking for you.

                Comment


                • Originally posted by Ko0519 View Post
                  . I actually just found out two days ago that him and the new gf already broke up. Thoughts?
                  does it make you feel better that they broke up?

                  all the following of people on FB, instagram, snapchat seems to make life complicated.... what do you think?


                  Comment


                  • Hi Amy,

                    In all honestly what makes me feel somewhat better is that I thought the problem was me. I was blaming myself that something I did caused him to change on me. It crossed my mind that he was rebounding and I was worried/hurt that I was his rebound and I helped heal him and I was terrified he was going to commit to her. I know that probably sounds ridiculous but it was on my mind often. I was surprised to hear they lasted only two months or so.

                    The blocking me and my friends on Facebook and Instagram seems a bit much to me but then again he probably doesn’t even care about me. I guess he unfriended me on Facebook at that time but only recently like a month ago blocked me on Facebook. And to keep watching my
                    snapchats is strange. I truly don’t understand the behavior by him.

                    Comment


                    • Stop trying to understand his behaviors. You're just torturing yourself.

                      You'll probably never understand, and it will probably never make sense. Once you move on, and have some clarity, some things may stand out in your mind that sort of help. Or maybe not.

                      You allowed yourself to be swept away. That is understandable, and easy to do when you're interested in someone and they are doing so much. I have done it, too. It's important to learn not to allow our feelings to get the best of us, and be caught up in a storm of emotions. Take a little control of a situation and keep the pace more reasonable, get to know someone very well before crossing the topic of living together and marriage.

                      You said you had a thought about being a rebound, maybe that was your "gut" telling you to slow the roll a bit...

                      It isn't typical for relationships to be successful when they move so fast. The foundation just isn't solid. It takes time to build a solid, lasting commitment. Sometimes it happens that way, but not often.

                      Now I know you don't want to hear that right now, but I think is an important takeaway from this.

                      And yep, be wary of newly divorced men. I won't talk to someone who's less than a year out from a serious breakup or divorce. And some men still aren't ready. In hindsight, it was much longer than that before I was really ready for a relationship, after I divorced.

                      So, this isn't your fault, I'm not blaming you if it seems that way. You are responsible for your emotions, tho. And for what you do with them and how much you're making choices based on those feelings rather than logic and seeing things for what they are. I'm guessing there were serious red flags flying, with this guy. Emotions are fickle. We really can't always trust our own emotions.

                      Comment


                      • Your feelings have been badly hurt: I'd feel the same. Being so close to someone, then being rejected, is heartbreaking. It has happened to me. But I accepted that I couldn't control what another does and I moved on. It was hard, but I accepted what happened and didn't dwell on those relationships. I wouldn't torture yourself by trying to understand why: even if you knew why, your heart will still be broken. It will take time, but you'll grow stronger from this. Talk to your friends and let them support you: you're not alone.

                        Comment


                        • It's like Kitty said: it was 12 years after I divorced before I wanted to marry again, 12 years during most of which I was certain I'd **never** marry again! But then, one day, it seemed like I did!

                          Comment


                          • Yes that seems completely normal! I would have understood if he said he wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment but it was all his idea at first and it’s something he said throughout the relationship so I guess I just don’t know if he really felt that way or not. All that he said is a whole of a hell lot to say to someone I think. And I should have seen some alarm bells go off but I didn’t at the time. It was weird for him to go from saying all of that to ending our relationship to a new relationship and who knows what he’s doing now. It sucks not knowing if he really cared and loved me but I tried to talk to him I tried to bargain per se but it was like he already made up the decision in his mind. He made it seem initially like it was difficult for him to end things with us but with how quickly he moved on and blocked me really hurt me. Does he just not give a **** about me at all or miss me? I see him watching my stories and I miss him. You guys are awesome!

                            Comment


                            • Originally posted by Ko0519 View Post
                              I see him watching my stories and I miss him.
                              so sorry you still miss him and still have feelings for him

                              don't know how to tell you to get over him because although I dated a lot, never dated anyone that long except for a HS boyfriend and it was first real dating but not serious

                              hope you can find a way to get over him (maybe after more tears)

                              Comment

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