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I can't stop touching this woman my colleague.

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  • #16
    I second atskitty2's post.

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    • #17
      Unfortunately I don't have time to go into as much detail as I'd like.
      Do you think you can do this on your own? Do you think you can just stop, without understanding what's happening in your mind? Sure, you could. My goal for you is more that you work on the bigger issue and heal your self.

      You're suffering from no self esteem, and you're getting a sort of charge from this beautiful woman allowing you to touch her. Something you probably think would never happen, since you think you're so hideous.
      You're getting something out of this deal, and the fact that it's all messed up matters little to you, because your perspective is unhealthy as well.

      Comment


      • #18
        I'm 5'3". I like my height and so do men who are attracted to short women. Don't you imagine there are lesbians who are attracted to shorter women in the same manner you are attracted to taller women? You are not disabled. You are not born flawed or inadequate because you're shorter than the average woman. Like Kitty said, attraction preferences are not fetishes and there is nothing wrong with them.

        "When I was a teenager, the other girls were into boys. But me... I was always left out, and terrified. I already felt like a monster at age 11 or 12 or so when I first started going through puberty. " You felt like a monster because you were into your girl friends and they were into boys. You felt abnormal. Inadequate. Like something was wrong with you. That has carried over into adulthood. Doesn't take a licensed therapist to figure that one out.

        As I mentioned previously, you are a reflection of what you believe about yourself. If you tell yourself you're ugly, inadequate, abnormal, etc then that's what you'll reflect to others. How can you establish confidence you don't have? FAKE IT. Fake it until you make it. Go into stores and ask the store associates to help you in putting together a wardrobe that flatters your appearance and personal style. Go to a salon and ask for a hairdo that flatters your facial shape. Go to a dept store and ask them to help you pick out some low maintenance makeup/skincare that will give you an extra boost. Get into the habit of bathroom affirmations. Every time you walk into a bathroom and see a mirror, say "Dang girl........you are looking good today!!!" whether you believe you do or not.

        With your colleague, again....I think she's irrelevant and this is all just you acting out due to your insecurities. The funny thing is that I believe she is also acting out due to her own insecurities. Your biggest concern here is not you attraction for her, but the very real risk that she or another colleague will report you for sexual harassment. If I were working with someone and they were constantly touching a coworker, grabbing their breasts and smacking their butt......it would make me incredibly uncomfortable and I would find it terribly inappropriate. Do not be surprised if someone reports you.
        "Be what you're looking for."

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        • #19
          Originally posted by Beautiful Disaster View Post
          I'm 5'3". I like my height and so do men who are attracted to short women. Don't you imagine there are lesbians who are attracted to shorter women in the same manner you are attracted to taller women? You are not disabled. You are not born flawed or inadequate because you're shorter than the average woman. Like Kitty said, attraction preferences are not fetishes and there is nothing wrong with them.

          "When I was a teenager, the other girls were into boys. But me... I was always left out, and terrified. I already felt like a monster at age 11 or 12 or so when I first started going through puberty. " You felt like a monster because you were into your girl friends and they were into boys. You felt abnormal. Inadequate. Like something was wrong with you. That has carried over into adulthood. Doesn't take a licensed therapist to figure that one out.

          As I mentioned previously, you are a reflection of what you believe about yourself. If you tell yourself you're ugly, inadequate, abnormal, etc then that's what you'll reflect to others. How can you establish confidence you don't have? FAKE IT. Fake it until you make it. Go into stores and ask the store associates to help you in putting together a wardrobe that flatters your appearance and personal style. Go to a salon and ask for a hairdo that flatters your facial shape. Go to a dept store and ask them to help you pick out some low maintenance makeup/skincare that will give you an extra boost. Get into the habit of bathroom affirmations. Every time you walk into a bathroom and see a mirror, say "Dang girl........you are looking good today!!!" whether you believe you do or not.

          With your colleague, again....I think she's irrelevant and this is all just you acting out due to your insecurities. The funny thing is that I believe she is also acting out due to her own insecurities. Your biggest concern here is not you attraction for her, but the very real risk that she or another colleague will report you for sexual harassment. If I were working with someone and they were constantly touching a coworker, grabbing their breasts and smacking their butt......it would make me incredibly uncomfortable and I would find it terribly inappropriate. Do not be surprised if someone reports you.
          I am very thankful to you. But i am 53year old and it feels too late. Is it too late for me? I think i'm really ugly. I think i am just exceptionally unattractive or have some sort of defect in my demeanor and there's nothing i can do about it. Do you really think that this woman my touchable colleague is also acting out due to her own insecurities? I do have "power" over her. I can muck things up for her with our clients. Also i am well liked and respected by other women my colleagues. Being well-liked at work means there's more people on your side.This woman my touchable colleague is considered by most of these women our coworkers stuck up,overdressed snob. But she never wears anything trashy. She dresses in mainly form fitting satin and silk fashionable clothing. She has a more stylish sense of fashion but she keeps herself well covered. She is not particularly fond of wearing revealing clothes. She prefers to wear covered, yet form fitting fashionable clothes. What's happening to me?

          I don't understand it. I feel the overwhelming sensation of guilt all the time. I am sick of this. Iím confused and my mind doesnít stop. I really worry that Iím going to lose myself completely! I don't want to waste anyoneís time but I had to get some of this out of my head. What is wrong with me? I am taking advantage of her and i am afraid that i will just go even further. I haven't pushed her into having sex so far. It's just the obsessive touching her and groping her. And she is 100% straight. She would never want to kiss a woman. She is very sexually attracted to men. She is completely the opposite to a homophobe... but she is literally 100% straight. I am important to her as a colleague,so she is willing to sit/stand out the groping,rubbing and hugging. She can't even say no or push me away. Most of other women at work probably think that we (me and this woman my touchable colleague) have a weird bond like that. The thought that I could be a sexual predator makes me crazy.

          I keep asking why me. Why I have to be such a pervert? I feel so dirty and guilty. I just hate myself. Now I'm convinced I'm a perv and a sexual freak. Why am I like this? Why?

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          • #20
            When bonding and love hormones are strong, they can cause irrational behavior. A person can even see it in themselves but cannot easily stop which is why I suggested the vacation. The reiteration of you being 53 brings up another question: Have you gone through menopause or are you going through it now? I ask because menopause can drastically change the hormone mix and a woman can end up with different sexual desires because of it. Some women actually get stronger sexual urges after menopause.
            I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
            ...
            Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

            From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

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            • #21
              Originally posted by jns View Post
              When bonding and love hormones are strong, they can cause irrational behavior. A person can even see it in themselves but cannot easily stop which is why I suggested the vacation. The reiteration of you being 53 brings up another question: Have you gone through menopause or are you going through it now? I ask because menopause can drastically change the hormone mix and a woman can end up with different sexual desires because of it. Some women actually get stronger sexual urges after menopause.
              I am definitely post menopasual. I lost all drive when I was 49 and menopause was beginning four years ago. Had all the usual symtpoms: hot flashes, memory issues, moods, dry as a bone, no libido, periods becoming sporatic. My sex drive over the last two years has been on a steady rise. But now, all I can do is think about getting laid. I have this urge which grabs me without any notice or outside stimulation. I am thinking about sex with this woman my touchable colleague all the time. Though alone, I still have lots of very satisfying sex -- just not with partners. I have to keep telling myself I'm not hurting anyone and aside from the fact that it's a bit of a time waster -- it's not hurting me either. There are worse things I could be doing with my time.

              With this woman my touchable colleague is about lust, not love. It is pure physical attraction, not emotional. I am touching her, rubbing her and groping her at work for my sexual pleasure. I feel like I am abusing this woman by using her in this way. Still I feel like a monster for something that I can't stop doing. ( I can't keep my hands off of her).

              Comment


              • #22
                Originally posted by Texasred View Post
                You're not a monster, you're not a horrible person, and if anyone is taking advantage of anyone here, it's your "touchable colleague."
                Stop beating yourself up over this!
                You say she's strictly hetero, and yet she lets you fondle her breasts in the office? Doesn't that seem strange?
                So do you understand my whole situation? I donít know what to do. It is all my fault. Iíve been working there since December 2013. I donít know what to do? I donít know what to do anymore? I donít know how to handle the situation. I really need this job. I really need this salary. I feel like such a bad person.
                Last edited by Gretchen1965; 06-12-2018, 08:53 PM.

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                • #23
                  Maybe easier said than done as most things are, but you are the only one in control of your behavior.

                  I might crave glazed donuts terribly, but I make the choice whether I have them or not.

                  You're cruising for a sexual harassment claim. I assure you that what you're doing, and the pleasure you're getting from this is not worth that. If you truly feel you cannot control your behavior (which...I don't think is the case) you need to seek professional therapy. She does not deserve your abuse of authority over her. No one does. You are not old. You are not a monster. You are not hideous. And you're perfectly capable of seeking mutual adult relationships.
                  "Be what you're looking for."

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Originally posted by Beautiful Disaster View Post
                    Maybe easier said than done as most things are, but you are the only one in control of your behavior.

                    I might crave glazed donuts terribly, but I make the choice whether I have them or not.

                    You're cruising for a sexual harassment claim. I assure you that what you're doing, and the pleasure you're getting from this is not worth that. If you truly feel you cannot control your behavior (which...I don't think is the case) you need to seek professional therapy. She does not deserve your abuse of authority over her. No one does. You are not old. You are not a monster. You are not hideous. And you're perfectly capable of seeking mutual adult relationships.
                    Thank you for not judging me. It's driving me crazy.It's consuming me. I can't resist touching,rubbing and groping this woman my touchable colleague. But she is unresponsive to my touch. Usually when my hands are all over her she just kinda... let me do the groping, touching,rubbing and hugging , but she basically just sits/stands pretty stiffly. She disappears into her head and goes limp or rigid. She is 100% straight and has always been attracted to men. Why did she asked me to massage her back on her third day at work? Why? I need to keep my job and the money, that means i need to stop groping her. I'm a terrible person. It makes me paranoid as i feel like everyone at work talks about me behind my back. Has anyone else been through anything similar? I am a horrible person. Am i evil, manipulative, selfish person? I have these thoughts all the time. Am I an irredeemable monster for what i am doing to this woman?
                    Last edited by Gretchen1965; 06-13-2018, 11:56 AM.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Originally posted by Gretchen1965 View Post
                      I can't resist touching,rubbing and groping this woman my touchable colleague. But she is unresponsive to my touch. Usually when my hands are all over her she just kinda... let me do the groping, touching,rubbing and hugging , but she basically just sits/stands pretty stiffly. She disappears into her head and goes limp or rigid. She is 100% straight and has always been attracted to men. Why did she asked me to massage her back on her third day at work? Why? I need to keep my job and the money, that means i need to stop groping her.
                      One of the responses to unwanted touching by someone else is to passively resist it, that is no reaction to the behavior. It is one of the things that causes problems with people who have been sexually harassed or worse. That is why there is some effort to require consent to be a positive affirmation instead of non consent being a negative affirmation. Yes means yes. If you read about rape victims, a response can be to go inside their head so that they don't tacitly agree to it or have to resist it with the possibility of being hurt. The massage may have been just a massage, not an invitation for anything else.
                      Last edited by jns; 06-13-2018, 03:05 PM.
                      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                      ...
                      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Gretchen,

                        I say this will a nice tone so please do not take it the wrong way, but no matter how many times you ask the same questions "Am I a monster?" etc, you are going to get the same responses from us. We have all told you that no, you're not a monster, you're not hideous (I don't even need to see you to know that.), you are an adult woman who is making conscious choices. I feel that you're looking for some sort of "yes you're obviously a sick perverted MONSTER!!!!" so that gives you some sort of excuse or reasoning for the behavior. But that isn't going to happen. I can tell from reading your posts that you're a thoughtful, intellectual person very aware of your choices and the repercussions of them. You are engaging in selfish behaviors, abusing a position of power, because you are CHOOSING to. You can just as easily choose not to.
                        "Be what you're looking for."

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Originally posted by Beautiful Disaster View Post
                          Gretchen,

                          I say this will a nice tone so please do not take it the wrong way, but no matter how many times you ask the same questions "Am I a monster?" etc, you are going to get the same responses from us. We have all told you that no, you're not a monster, you're not hideous (I don't even need to see you to know that.), you are an adult woman who is making conscious choices. I feel that you're looking for some sort of "yes you're obviously a sick perverted MONSTER!!!!" so that gives you some sort of excuse or reasoning for the behavior. But that isn't going to happen. I can tell from reading your posts that you're a thoughtful, intellectual person very aware of your choices and the repercussions of them. You are engaging in selfish behaviors, abusing a position of power, because you are CHOOSING to. You can just as easily choose not to.
                          Thanks so much for your reply. I'm a fool who can't control myself. I'm just so upset with myself. I have the greatest trouble thinking rationally when i am around this woman my touchable colleague. I do feel more hopeful. I think finally admitting how huge my problem grew is the biggest step. I am a horrible person.
                          I want to stop this.

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Originally posted by jns View Post

                            One of the responses to unwanted touching by someone else is to passively resist it, that is no reaction to the behavior. It is one of the things that causes problems with people who have been sexually harassed or worse. That is why there is some effort to require consent to be a positive affirmation instead of non consent being a negative affirmation. Yes means yes. If you read about rape victims, a response can be to go inside their head so that they don't tacitly agree to it or have to resist it with the possibility of being hurt. The massage may have been just a massage, not an invitation for anything else.
                            I want to distance myself from this woman my touchable colleague but i just can't.She is so radiant and tall and big and soft.She could use this against me if she ever decided to throw me under the bus. I didn't touch her today at work.I know that I shouldn't do it but it was difficult to resist the urge to touch her.It's getting out of control.
                            I don't know what to do.I am worried about losing my job. I have quite a big problem.I need to get my things in order. I feel like smashing my head against a wall sometimes I just can't stop thinking.

                            Not sure what I can really do? I just hate myself. My concern is that I am a bad person and a sexual predator for touching,rubbing and groping this woman. And my selfishness leaves me disgusted with myself. I despise what I'm becoming.

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                            • #29
                              As I suggested before, get yourself a good, professional counselor to discuss this with. There's likely some deep rooted issues that need addressed, more than we can do through the forum.

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