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Letting Go Of Friends

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  • Letting Go Of Friends

    I am really struggling with this situation as I have co-dependent tendencies from childhood issues. I am seeing a counselor and am learning personal boundaries so I am in the middle of a huge transition. So here is my issue, I have had this one specific friend for almost 25 years. Our relationship has been hot and cold over the years with her being passive aggressive and me being a pleaser/chaser so the dynamic has always been me doing way more than she to see one another. Also I have become way more spiritually/Buddhist minded after my divorce so we are on different planes in terms of things at the moment.

    For the last year, I have been observing her immaturity even at almost 40, her passive aggressive nature, and spiteful judgement of those who either aren’t at her level or if the wind isn’t blowing just right, just people in general. She will say terrible things about people, then tell them she loves them and act like they are best friends, and this is becoming not OK to me anymore. I down play the good in my life because she doesn’t genuinely celebrate others successes and I don’t want to make her feel worse than she already does.

    And to top it off, her mother passed away (who was the center of her world) three months ago. I have spent these last two months running myself down, driving the hour to her home, bringing her small necessities, encouraging her, calling, texting, and most times with no response or notion of thanks. I have to go to another state to help care give my mother-in-law, and I have this deep fear that I will come back to her turned on me as well (I am half expecting it with her level of grief anyway).

    So how do I handle this transition? I have been looking at all the “friends” in my life and realizing they may not be the best choices for me anymore is very painful. I am wanting to connect, and not on Facebook, but the people I know, just won’t. I am ready to leave most of them behind and look for new souls, ones that I don’t feel afraid to leave because they might turn on me, or simply forget about me. And people that actually want to improve themselves (this is another issue, complainers, but they won't change), people that want more out of life in a healthy way and that help others. This is such a joyous and freeing time, but also so sad as I can see these people never changing but continuing to stay where they are and I am ready to grow and be more than I am. I somehow feel guilty that I am choosing a better way for myself instead of staying on the level they are. I guess it comes down to broken people choosing broken people to stay broken, it’s easier than having to be accountable I suppose.

    Has anyone else experienced this?

    Thanks everyone.

  • I generally try to get rid of toxic people from my life. Sometimes they are unavoidable, such as coworkers or neighbors or relatives. My general reaction to those people is to limit my interactions with them as much as possible. I have cut off even close friends for a period of time to keep a toxic situation from getting worse and causing permanent damage.

    I have friends who sometimes say outrageous things or act in an outrageous manner. I can be tolerant of them as long as they don't try to pull me into their orbit.

    If you do something for your "friends", do it for yourself and your personal satisfaction (or for making merit), not for their acceptance and approval.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


    • Wanting to move on up and change your life resonates with me. Things change yet some stay where they are. You're in a transition in your life and shouldn't feel bad about moving up. Definitely don't feel guilty about wanting a change in your life. These people will still be there if you ever want to go back. Other people can take care of themselves. Enjoy your life and don't let toxic people trample on your dreams. You've got wonderful opportunities ahead of you: don't let guilt hold you back.


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