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Kind of a lengthy post, but I need real understanding and advice.

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  • Kind of a lengthy post, but I need real understanding and advice.

    I have been dating someone for a little over a year. He is an absolutely WONDERFUL man. However, lately I have been questioning our relationship. For example, this morning we were intimate, and when he laid down beside me he said, "Do you know sex with you is absolutely amazing?" I replied to him playfully, and then told him that for me our intimacy runs very deep and it's more than just great sex for me. And that I hope that it did for him as well, because if he wanted he could have sex however much with whoever he wanted if he just wanted sex. I also told him that I hoped he didn't just think that the sex is amazing because I have a very high libido to match his. I then told him that even though he thinks the sex is amazing and wants it all of the time, a relationship needs to be more than just sex and a sexual attraction. A relationship needs to have depth beyond that. He then replied to me, "It does, but the sex is A HUGE (capitalized for his emphasis) part of it." And when he said that, it kind of hurt my heart.

    Let me give you some background on him. He's in his mid-30's. He's an attractive man who has himself very together. He's not used to being loved by someone. Most of his life he's been told that he's unattractive, not good enough, too fat, etc. His only real relationship was out of obligation to the mother of his son. He was with her for 5 years, but was very unhappy in the relationship because the mother of his son is not someone that he really wanted to be with. He loved/loves her as the mother of his son, but that is as far as the love has ever really went. He's very emotionally distant with everyone. I assume this is because of the wall that he's built up from years of self doubt, but I digress.

    I am worried that without any intention to do so, he is so focused on self-preservation and so used to being alone that he is never going to be able to commit fully to our relationship and be a "we" in the full sense of the term. After the conversation this morning, I'm starting to wonder if he only enjoys the sex so much because he's not used to someone wanting him. And then that gives me the fear of if he is only with me because he knows I want him.

    When he really wants me is when he gets very lovey. He'll hug me tighter, wrap his arms around me from behind, kiss my head etc. As much as I love it, when he starts doing these things, I know that he's only doing them because he wants to get me in the bed at some point.

    As I previously said, he really is a wonderful man. He is always very complimentary, tells me how beautiful I am, and how lucky he is to have me, etc. He's a great father to his son. He's got a great head on his shoulder's, etc. So, I guess I shouldn't be complaining. I just worry that the great sex that we have is the most important variable in our relationship to him. And I need more than that. Don't get me wrong, the sex truly is incredible and I absolutely love having it so much, but it can't be the only thing that our relationship is based on. I am fully aware that relationships based on sex (even if the sex is GREAT) do not last. And I want this relationship to go the distance.


  • Originally posted by ladyb0711 View Post
    I have been dating someone for a little over a year. He is an absolutely WONDERFUL man. However, lately I have been questioning our relationship. For example, this morning we were intimate, and when he laid down beside me he said, "Do you know sex with you is absolutely amazing?" I replied to him playfully, and then told him that for me our intimacy runs very deep and it's more than just great sex for me. And that I hope that it did for him as well, because if he wanted he could have sex however much with whoever he wanted if he just wanted sex. I also told him that I hoped he didn't just think that the sex is amazing because I have a very high libido to match his. I then told him that even though he thinks the sex is amazing and wants it all of the time, a relationship needs to be more than just sex and a sexual attraction. A relationship needs to have depth beyond that. He then replied to me, "It does, but the sex is A HUGE (capitalized for his emphasis) part of it." And when he said that, it kind of hurt my heart.

    Let me give you some background on him. He's in his mid-30's. He's an attractive man who has himself very together. He's not used to being loved by someone. Most of his life he's been told that he's unattractive, not good enough, too fat, etc. His only real relationship was out of obligation to the mother of his son. He was with her for 5 years, but was very unhappy in the relationship because the mother of his son is not someone that he really wanted to be with. He loved/loves her as the mother of his son, but that is as far as the love has ever really went. He's very emotionally distant with everyone. I assume this is because of the wall that he's built up from years of self doubt, but I digress.

    I am worried that without any intention to do so, he is so focused on self-preservation and so used to being alone that he is never going to be able to commit fully to our relationship and be a "we" in the full sense of the term. After the conversation this morning, I'm starting to wonder if he only enjoys the sex so much because he's not used to someone wanting him. And then that gives me the fear of if he is only with me because he knows I want him.

    When he really wants me is when he gets very lovey. He'll hug me tighter, wrap his arms around me from behind, kiss my head etc. As much as I love it, when he starts doing these things, I know that he's only doing them because he wants to get me in the bed at some point.

    As I previously said, he really is a wonderful man. He is always very complimentary, tells me how beautiful I am, and how lucky he is to have me, etc. He's a great father to his son. He's got a great head on his shoulder's, etc. So, I guess I shouldn't be complaining. I just worry that the great sex that we have is the most important variable in our relationship to him. And I need more than that. Don't get me wrong, the sex truly is incredible and I absolutely love having it so much, but it can't be the only thing that our relationship is based on. I am fully aware that relationships based on sex (even if the sex is GREAT) do not last. And I want this relationship to go the distance.
    Quite possibly past rejection has led him to defensive and closed off. Maybe he is somewhat waiting for that shoe to drop with you since that has been the past pattern. Having sex is not only mind blowing, it also reinforces the idea that all is right in the world in his mind. In the morning he gets up and goes out in the world to fight the good fight so he can come home to you and get rewarded with the physical intimacy that he desires. Doing the right things for the right reasons closes the loop and is all that is needed.

    I can understand your concerns. What if you can no longer fulfill your part in the loop? What if you get sick? Sometimes people lose interest in the same type of physical relationship for many different reasons such as hormonal changes, medications and others. How will he react if he is faced with such a situation? Have you asked him about such scenarios?

    Don't let your doubts morph into a self fulfilling prophesy where you pull back which causes him to become more distant and in turn causes you to pull back even more. Sometimes it is better to not give in to doubts even though such scenarios would cause a major amount of pain.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

    Comment


    • Welcome! Glad you're here.

      As I read your post I kept thinking..."there's got to be something more to this." So, I've got lots of questions!

      Sex is a HUGE part of a romantic relationship. And if you've got awesome sexual chemistry, that's fantastic! Based on what you said in your post I would just consider that a really great thing.

      By outward appearance, you described a good relationship, one where you're complimentary to each other, enjoy each other, have a healthy sex life, etc. You seem to like who he is as a man and it sounds like he feels the same about you.

      But something about this relationship is creating a feeling of a void in you. And you are right for listening to that void and questioning it. But...is it him? Has he done things that make you think his past is affecting your relationship? Tell me more.

      Is there something in your own past that has you worried about getting stuck into a loveless relationship? Are you possibly self-sabotaging? I don't know your story and am not implying this is the case AT ALL so don't take it that way.... it's just some food for thought.

      So what do YOU need? What is making you feel like more of a sex-object than a partner? Is it more affection? Is it more verbal expression of love? Is it another form of commitment? What is it that has truly got you concerned about this guy?

      ___________________________________

      Now...I'm separating this because the focus is to be on you here. And my experiences may or may not have ANY resemblance to yours at all. But in my past, I dated men who checked off all the boxes and I NEVER felt fulfilled. I would say all the "but he's such a great guy!" things and think, "I should be madly in love with him." But, I wasn't. I blamed them. I looked outwardly (at them) for things that could be causing me to feel this way. It was hard for me to admit that even though I had everything I thought I wanted, I still just wasn't happy.

      And then I met someone different. Someone who did NOT check off all my boxes. This time, the sex wasn't just good sex, it was FIRE. But just as powerful as that was the emotional chemistry. He became my best friend. Sadly, his life would end much too soon but that relationship opened my eyes. I knew then exactly what feelings I was looking for. And I was fortunate enough to find those again in someone new.

      The moral of the story is....you've got to figure out what you're missing and it sounds like you're making progress to getting there.



      "Be what you're looking for."

      Comment


      • Thank you both. I do agree with what both of you have to say.

        Ashlee, I am so sorry for your loss. I could never imagine going through your situation.

        I want you to know that after reading your reply, a light bulb went off in my head. I do believe that it is more of an issue with me and let me explain why.

        I was in a relationship with a mentally and physically abusive narcissist for many years. I made the horrible mistake of "staying for the kids." I now realize that this was a huge mistake, and I should've left him long before I did, but hindsight is 20/20. He used to constantly need to know my every move, every second of the day. And if something was even slightly off from my normal routine, he would get very angry.

        I think without realizing it, my subconscious started associating this behavior with love. And because the man that I am with now is more emotionally reserved and intimacy is at the forefront of his mind, I unnecessarily feel like there is a hole that isn't being filled due to my own issue.

        Comment


        • ladyb0711 - That's a wonderful revelation! I think you could definitely be onto something.

          If I were to make a guess, I would say that what you've described about your past is contributing to some of this. That is important to identify, so you're on the right track. However, I would also guess that all that aside, you still feel a bit of a disconnect with this guy and that is worth observing for a while, gathering your thoughts, and then speaking with him about.

          Long post warning!!!! But worth reading....

          We all have a love language. What is yours? What is his? This is so important to know about your mate!

          We all have 6 basic human needs (Google Tony Robbins 6 basic human needs) and usually, one or two of those needs is a major driving force for us. I've copied them below:

          1. Certainty: assurance you can avoid pain and gain pleasure
          2. Uncertainty/Variety: the need for the unknown, change, new stimuli
          3. Significance: feeling unique, important, special or needed
          4. Connection/Love: a strong feeling of closeness or union with someone or something
          5. Growth: an expansion of capacity, capability or understanding
          6. Contribution: a sense of service and focus on helping, giving to and supporting others

          For me? I learned that in love relationships my drivers are Connection/love and Certainty. I need to feel a deep connection with my partner that sets him apart from everyone else in my life. And whether by nature or experience, I need some element of certainty. That really equates to trust. I am an INTJ personality style and ANY discrepancy in what someone tells me is magnified x 100! Lie to me even over something tiny? I'll know it. And I won't forget it whether I ever mention it or not. Lol. So... I need to know that the person I'm with loves me enough to tell me the truth. I need to know that I can lay down my head and night and know they'll be there the next morning and the morning after and the morning after. My partner is very trusting by nature, so my need to establish solid trust was rather foreign to him. But he figured it out and now...he knows what I need to hear and feel on a daily basis to be happy in our relationship.

          I also learned that my partners are Connection/Love and Significance. Knowing this changes everything! I'm a fairly emotionally reserved person by nature but with my partner, if I did not step outside of that a bit he'd never get from me what HE needs to be fulfilled. As such.... I brag on him daily for all sorts of things. It's been 3.5 years and if I wake up and he has made my coffee before leaving, I text him with an excited THANK YOU! He NEEDS to know that we have this strong connection and that he is irreplaceable to me. He needs to feel special and important. And if I don't do that for him, I will deprive him of true happiness.

          What do YOU need? What does HE need? And then, do you love each other enough to make that happen? If you do, awesome. But if either of you don't, it will be time to reconsider the relationship.
          "Be what you're looking for."

          Comment

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