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How do I tell me wife she is overweight?

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  • How do I tell me wife she is overweight?

    My wife and I have been married 14 years and she is the love of my life and we are in our late 40’s

    She has always been a curvaceous plus size woman, but now her size and weight is becoming an issue

    She’s never told me how much she weighs and to me it is just a number…. 2 years ago when we got a fitbit each I set them up on the computer and she put her weight in as 136kg.
    The other day I was coming into the bathroom just as she was weighing herself and I caught a glimpse of the scales and I’m pretty sure it said 151kgs…. I was horrified, but didn’t say anything to her about it.

    3 years ago she had a minor knee operation to mend a meniscus tear in knee (which she ironically got tripping on the treadmill at the gym!). When she had the operation the surgeon said the best thing she could do is lose some weight to take the pressure off her knee.

    We eat relatively healthy – I’m also overweight (100kgs) and type 2 diabetic and have lost 20kgs in the last 16 years but need to lose about another 20kgs
    Our sex life is ‘ok’ – we can only do missionary position because her knees hurt if we try doggy style and she can’t get on top of me for the same reason…

    We do exercise a bit, but any strenuous exercise leaves her breathless and puffing

    Anyway my point is – how to I tell her I’m concerned about her and would like her to lose weight for the sake of her own health? I don’t want to say “darling you’re fat”, but I know regardless of what I say she will get upset about it…

    We have an overseas holiday planned next year (first holiday in 8 years) and we will be doing a lot of walking, and the last thing I want is her complaining she can’t walk any further because of sore knees…

    What is the best way to approach this?

    Any advice would be appreciated

  • It would appear as if you both need to start a concentrated routine of good eating and healthy living. You do NOT tell her she is overweight, she knows this herself. There is nothing worse than the preacher preaching to the choir. What you could do is express your concern for YOUR health and ask her if she would go along on a healthy journey with you. Ask her if she is willing to accompany you to the gym, go on walks, take up bicycling, swimming etc. with the aim to lose a few pounds and become a healthier you.

    Make it about you and not her. Tell her you are concerned that you both will not have the best of holidays if she and you can't do the walking that you are thinking of doing. Also, trips like that are notorious for having wonderful foods, drinks and indulgences that you want to enjoy. You could draw up a contract, make it interesting with penalties for not losing weight in a week, pay a dividend if you gain, with the end result being new, slimmer, healthier people.

    That which we forget may as well never really happened.


    • Wow muffin, that is really an eye opener for you.

      I don't disagree with claret, but that's probably not the approach I would take as far as what I would say. I tend to be a bit more direct, though it can be done without harshness or hurtfulness.

      I don't see much advantage in not saying what something **IS**. I'm not suggesting that you call her fat or be insensitive, but I think there's respect and humility in just speaking what's on everyone's mind anyway. when my ex husband and I had started putting on weight, I'd said something like, "**we** have put on a few pounds, do you want to walk 3 nights this week with me?" he rarely went with me, but... It's ultimately their own choice what they put in their body and how much they move it.

      If you are like me, and comfortable with that approach, I'd say something like that. Just a simple, hey we have let our healthy habits get a little far away from us, would you like to make some effort to reverse this?

      Or tell her that it bothers you that you are not getting more activity in daily, and you want to adjust diet also, to combat the weight gain and ask if she agrees.

      I actually don't always believe people realize how much weight they've put on. I've known some people that seem to be in a sort of denial. They don't see themselves the same as you and I. I think the body dysmorphic issue goes with obesity also.
      Not sure if that is medically accurate but in practice it seems to be the case.

      Just remember, it's her choice. I hope you will do the best thing regardless, for your own health.


      • hi muffin

        June 2016, you wrote that you finally had that talk with your wife and did tell her you were worried about her

        what happened then this past year? what happened to your plans to work together?



        • muffin
          since you're the cook in the family,
          make a healthy lunch for your wife to take to work
          and cook a healthy dinner
          before or after dinner both go walking
          each day go past where you went the day before

          TODAY is the day to start.....good luck! (and don't give up)


          • who does the grocery shopping?
            it really all starts there

            do a lot of your shopping in produce aisle, so when you look around for a snack you can grab apple, banana, or your favorite frt/veggie


            • thanks for the replies.... yes I am the cook in the family and as mentioned we eat relatively healthy - portion size is probably my biggest problem.
              We've tried eating salads with some lean protein, but find when we get home from work we're hungry and raid the fridge / pantry for cheese / crackers / potato chips (crisps).... so we've stopped buying these snacks

              I find that eating a couple of sandwiches at lunch fills me up - but bread is carbs and if I don't work them off they will stick around! I'd love to eat a meal with little / no carbs and feel full for 3-4 hours afterwards...

              I think getting a plan together is best..... we should do a plan for want we are going to have for dinner each day, and vary it so we're not eating the same meals every week. and we need to do an exercise plan - Monday Gym, Tuesday Swimming, Wednesday Go for walk...etc...

              I did mention to her about a month ago when we booked our holiday to Australia that we should try and get a bit fitter... but we've not really done anything about it.

              I think I'll just bite the bullet and tell her that we are both unfit and unhealthy and if we don't do anything we'll suffer more health problems... I'll tell her that she is the most important person to me and that I am concerned about our weight and that we need to do something for our health.


              • Muffin what kind of carbs are you eating? What bread do you have a sandwich on?
                And have you tried one sandwich? Or decrease to just 1.5 first?
                Last edited by atskitty2; 09-18-2017, 07:52 PM.


                • My first instinct is that you don't.

                  But, I think you're on the right track making it "us," not just her. In my family, it's the other way around. My wife is a lot slimmer than I am, but we both want to slim down, eat better, and be in better shape. Her motivation is not so much build in and of itself, but because when she's slimmer, in better shape, and eating better, her reproductive issues are better managed.

                  Whenever I'm exercising, controlling my diet, or cooking, I include her. I have a much more strict diet and don't like foods as rich as she does. It's a powerful motivator for her to see me exercising self-control, losing weight, and getting into shape. One of the most interesting things about people is that once somebody does something hard or new, it becomes easier for other people - especially those close to them. So I'd say that your actions are going to speak more powerfully than your mouth.

                  A couple of other things: exercise will improve your health, help you discipline your mind and body, and make you feel better. It won't do much for your weight, though - not directly, unless it's extraordinarily intense and sustained. Weight is lost on your plate. You could get a good workout every day, but unless you change your eating habits not lose one pound, or even gain weight. On the other hand, you could sit around like a lazy slob and eat better and get slim.
                  "Those sowing seed with tears
                  Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126


                  • when the body needs water, we can think we're hungry but really are not

                    eating slower helps as it takes a while for body to register fullness


                    • I do think she realizes she's overweight. I would say something like "We've put on quite a bit of weight. Let's do some daily walking/swimming once a week/whatever." Since you're overweight as well, this is the tactful approach. Gently support her and get involved with the weight loss. Just be the caring person you are.


                      • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
                        Muffin what kind of carbs are you eating? What bread do you have a sandwich on?
                        And have you tried one sandwich? Or decrease to just 1.5 first?

                        Bread (wholegrain / multigrain mainly), Pasta, Rice, Potatoes, Sweet Potatoes - usually have one of these at every meal....

                        I have one sandwich with 3 sliced bread with lean meat, cheese and some lettuce / salad

                        I don't drink water - don't like the taste and if I drink 1 litre of water I'll be up 3 times a night going for a pee


                        • Hi, recently we were watching the Fat Sick and Nearly Dead then suddenly we got a juicer and since then we managed to replace minimum 2 nights with veggie juice and sometimes 1-2 lunches while keeping normal food options on the table. Our portion size automatically reduced and are gradually reducing weight. I must say that overall energy levels have gone up and clothes sizes gone down.


                          • Originally posted by muffin70 View Post
                            Pasta, Rice, Potatoes, Sweet Potatoes - usually have one of these at every meal....
                            I don't drink water - don't like the taste and if I drink 1 litre of water I'll be up 3 times a night going for a pee
                            substitute brocolli or another veggie or a salad

                            drink water during the day then; if you don't like taste, get a filter
                            we use a PUR filter and keep in fridge so water cold and refreshing


                            • Muffin, I thought about you and this thread a couple of days ago. I caught my wife coming out of the shower and her belly was looking flat. I asked her if she was losing weight and her response was a matter-of-fact, "I always lose weight when you're fasting."

                              I didn't know that was the case. I thought that since I'm the main cook, she wasn't doing meal replacement with me, and she was eating a lot of restaurant and prepackaged foods that she'd not lose weight. But because I'm doing it, she's motivated.
                              "Those sowing seed with tears
                              Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126


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