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love and marriage

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  • love and marriage

    if love isn't enough to keep a marriage going, what is?




  • #2
    Love, money, health, respect, humility, strength, friendship, etc.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

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    • #3
      Friendship, commitment, meeting needs, communication, respect,... Lots of things other than love. I know of a couple that I'm fairly certain do not love each other... But 20 yrs now together, happily. Neither claims to love the other... It's a symbiotic relationship. They both have something the other values more than love and loyalty. For him, the trophy wife on his arm for parties. For her, money and security, popularity sort of...
      It works for them. They are happy.

      So, what is love anyway? Maybe that thing they have is love to them. I'd be miserable in that sort of arrangement.
      Love seems to be identified differently for different people.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by amy40 View Post
        if love isn't enough to keep a marriage going, what is?
        I think it's all you need - if the couple knows how to show love. It's way more than a notion, though. And it goes beyond feelings.

        Barring something extreme (like one mate being lost at sea and presumed dead but really living life stranded on a deserted island), itís impossible for a marriage to fail if both love each other.
        "Those sowing seed with tears
        Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

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        • #5
          I think becoming parents can help keep a marriage together
          however, it certainly helps if the marriage was good before the children came along

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          • #6
            The thing about love, is you can't make someone love you. You don't choose whom you love. So when you find a partner, you have to treasure the relationship, whether it leads to marriage or not. But love is also respect, communication, honesty, affection, friendship. Love has many facets. And it takes work. But without love a marriage would break. So I think love is enough to keep a marriage going.

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            • #7
              A good marriage consists of love, honesty, communication, friendship, respect and loyalty..... love on it's own isn't enough.
              I love and adore my husband but if he lied to me, disrespected me, or was disloyal, I couldn't be with him even though I love him. ...
              Money is nice but I'd still be with him if we lost it all as our love is strong enough to see us through the bad times, as well as the good.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Stillness View Post
                I think it's all you need - if the couple knows how to show love. It's way more than a notion, though. And it goes beyond feelings.
                Love doesn't pay the bills or help with the dishes or drive the kids to their activities or create great sex. Just to name a few situations where loves isn't enough:

                Drug and alcohol addiction. People can love each other, but an addition will make people do things that might be unlivable for others. If my partner became a drug addict, I don't care how much we loved each other, I couldn't have him around my children both for their safety as well as to set an example.

                Equality in a marriage. A man can think less of his wife as a person and still love her.

                Bad communication. Just because you love each other, it doesn't mean you are good at communication. Many marriages fall apart because they cannot come to a compromise on situations.

                Different values. I could not be with a man who was catholic and wanted to raise our children catholic. I can love him with my life but not my values.
                Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

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                • #9
                  DreamP346 I think you overlooked the part where I said, "if the couple knows how to show love." You're probably just imagining a feeling of love, not a display. Either that or you and I have different definitions of the word.
                  "Those sowing seed with tears
                  Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by amy40 View Post
                    if love isn't enough to keep a marriage going, what is?
                    Originally posted by Stillness View Post
                    I think it's all you need - if the couple knows how to show love.
                    Maybe that is the reason that so many marriages fail. When confronted with having to show love for the other partner in all ways, they cannot fulfill the requirement. Kitty's example shows that passionate love is not even necessary for a marriage to succeed. Relations where one person dominates the other can also succeed. Legal systems that make it hard to divorce can also push a marriage to succeed even though there may be rough patches. Marriages can succeed even if one or both people are addicted. It is hard to come up with a set of ideals that will always cause a marriage to succeed and equally hard too come up with a set of ideals that will always cause a marriage to fail.
                    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                    ...
                    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      To me it is much more important, really ALL there is, to be in a happy and healthy marriage. My parents have been married for over 50 years, but there's no love on my mothers side, and never was. There's nothing healthy or functional about that marriage.

                      They've stayed together, and some people just think that's great. I think it's sickening to have lived the way they have, seeing two miserable people now in their final days, and making everyone else suffer.
                      Having a long lasting marriage is great, if it's a great relationship. I don't think I'll ever marry again just because I would never stay in a relationship that turned sour... The "for worse" part is what I cannot commit to.

                      My point is that a marriage can stay together for all sorts of reasons or no reason at all. Just means they chose not to divorce.

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                      • #12
                        I have to agree, Kitty. Just not being divorced is not the same as keeping your marriage going. In a lot of ways, it's just better to be single, especially if you don't have two people who believe in marriage and are willing to work at love.

                        On the other hand, if you do have two people that know how to love the benefits are unlike anything else.
                        "Those sowing seed with tears
                        Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I agree Still. I loved being married and I have nothing against it at all. I hope the post above doesn't seem to indicate that I would not be working through issues. If all options had been exhausted, I will not stay in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage.

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                          • #14
                            There's no way I'd stay in a loveless marriage for 50 years: I'd rather be alone. It really bugs me when couples stay together because it's their "duty" for having made wedding vows. Show me a church that advocates an unhappy, utterly miserable marriage. And I hate it even more when it's "for the kids". Children aren't stupid: they know mummy is crying or that daddy doesn't care about mummy. WHY would someone do that to their kids? It is like some people choose to be miserable. It drives me nuts.

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Stillness View Post
                              DreamP346 I think you overlooked the part where I said, "if the couple knows how to show love." You're probably just imagining a feeling of love, not a display. Either that or you and I have different definitions of the word.
                              But showing love is a matter of opinion. I come from a culture where people show their love by working hard, making money and providing for their family. Again, you could not respect your spouse, ignore their sexual needs, think less of their spouse, not be affection (which is the norm in our culture) and still be in love and showing love. You could show your love my buying you wife a mansion far away from her family and any social networks when all she wants is to be near family. You could show you love by doing all the cheesy stuff from romance movies when your husband would rather talk about the issues in the marriage. Love and showing love doesn't result in good communication which is crucial in a relationship.

                              Also, marrying for love is a modern and western concept. Not that lone away, people married to financial and social reasons. They lived in large family networks that provided social connections and intimacy so they didn't really need it from their spouse.

                              Stillness could you be married to somebody who was of a different religion than you, who was an atheist? How about somebody who loved to party and spend all their money living pay check to pay check?

                              Love in a marriage is nice, but not a necessity and definitely not what holds it together.
                              Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

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