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How do you say goodbye??

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  • How do you say goodbye??

    I have left my husband and we are getting a divorce. He refused to accept my kids from my previous marriage. I found a very big house and moved in 2 weeks ago. My husband has hurt me bad. He has said that he doesn't love me, and even helped me move (although he didn't mean it as bad, he only wanted to help). Point is: he has made it very clear that he doesn't want me. He took off his wedding ring almost immediately. But, I still love him. And he says he loves me and wants no other woman. We kinda decided to keep a relationship going and see what happens in the future. On the one hand I want him out of my life. I want to live my life, alone then, if need be, but without his interference. And on the other hand, I can't get myself to say it to him. The finality of the matter. The REALLY OVER NOW part. I'm just not ready for that yet. What makes it harder, is that I have 3 kids from 2 husbands. My chances of finding anyone again is very slim. Financially you can imagine that it won't be very easy. Which means I will lose out on a lot of things to do and see without a partner. I am scared of being left behind. My friends support me, but they all have their lives to go on with. And it's not always fun to invite a mom and her THREE kids to a party.... I am not depressed. I am not lonely. My desperation levels are much lower than what it used to be. But, how do I accept that my marriage has failed for a second time?? And everything that goes with that??

  • There's somebody out there for everyone. Yeah, it may be difficult, but focus on your kids for a bit, leave love behind for now and it will find you.

    I know plenty of people with a couple of failed marriages under their belts, some swear they will never marry again, but those that swear they will never marry again have been in long term stable relationships exceeding 10+ years.

    Have a good support network behind you and don't forget to spend some time with yourself either. Your kids are important, but so are you.


    • Originally posted by Risch View Post
      . . .

      My husband has hurt me bad. He has said that he doesn't love me, and even helped me move

      . . .

      But, I still love him. And he says he loves me and wants no other woman.

      . . .
      i am confused, he says he doesnt love you then says he does?

      i am not sure i could even comment properly without knowing the context of the conversations of the two conflicting statements.

      what was being discussed when he said he didnt love you, and how was it said?

      what was being discussed when he said he did love you, and how was it said?


      • Before I moved out, we had a fight. And in that fight he said that he doesn't love me and that it doesn't matter to him whether I am in his life or not. He usually said these things when we argued.
        After I moved out he said that he still loves me, and that we could keep a relationship going even after the divorce, because he has no interest in other women.
        I honestly don't know how to handle this situation.
        He isn't the sms'ing, call you everyday and kissy-kissy type of guy. At all. He couldn't be bothered if he didn't speak to me for a couple of days. And it doesn't bother him if I don't call him, either. It's like nothing can touch him. I feel at this point the whole relationship is resting in his hands. I am waiting for him to do something, call me, visit, end it. Whatever, but I don't have control over it.
        Bottom line, I guess, is that i don't trust him. I don't believe him that he loves me or that he really wants to keep a relationship going. He has his single life now, visiting with buddies, playing golf, etc. and now and then he comes to visit when he feels like it, plays with his son and gets a squeeze (if HE wants).
        I don't feel like i am or ever will be or ever was a part of his life.
        And yet... I can't get myself to pick up the phone and tell him to go and enjoy his single life without responsibilities, and without me and his son.
        How do you say goodbye?


        • You are letting him eat his cake and have it too. Decide what will make you happy.


          • Fear is the worst thing that a person can have.

            Your "settling" and from the sounds of it, you did this as well from the inset. In-otherwords, this man wasn't as affectionate as you want in life, but he accepted your children.

            The fear of "another failure", hey millionairres fail 3 times before they succeed, do you think that some of your friends maybe are just staying in their relationships for the same reason? But, are not happy?

            Imagine when they see you one day "happy" and you had left, they sincerely will be thinking, "you go girl" and feel depressed of their own loveless marriage.

            It is what it is.

            His' comment of "not wanting anyone else so lets have sex". Well that's what he is affectively saying, aren't you worth more?

            He purely doesn't want commitment... He wasn't up for it but went along with it...

            It's time that you said pftttttt.. So, he wasn't the right one I will ensure the next one really loves me and we are on more equal ground and I am definately not going to give sex, just so he can have that comfort and that's all, I'm worth more than that.



            • Risch,

              some men (and women) just cant show affection well. they have the feelings inside them, but have a very hard time expressing them properly.

              i guess i would have to ask next if this is a change in his behavior towards you, or if he has been like (or kinda like) this all along?

              as far as saying goodbye, if thats what you really want to do, just say what you have been writing here. tell him how you feel, how it hurts, and that if he doesnt want to fix it for real, then you have to move on.


              • I do believe he is one of those people who does not have the capability of showing emotion. But even if that is the case, I do feel there is a difference between not showing emotion and telling me that he doesn't love me, and that I am the biggest mistake of his life.
                But even with that, I was still willing to stay. Just in case, i was wrong and he did love me, but being incapable of showing it, just couldn't say it either...
                I left because he rejected my kids from my previous marriage. He couldn't (and still can't) stand to see them. His rage towards them is palpable when they are in the same room. They would talk to him, and he wouldn't even acknowledge their presence, let alone talk to them or touch them.
                His rejection of them, however, spilled over to me. He was furious with me for having them. Furious with my ex-husband for not taking care of them (he does pay maintenance and they have visits). He blamed me that they are in his life and will permanently be because of the son we have together. And he rejected me in the end because I couldn't give him what he wanted: a family of his own...
                I recognised that I am one of those dependent people. I need a man's approval and recognition, else I am nothing. That's why I go into a panic when a relationship ends and why I settle for less. What I want to know: how do you lose that fear and insecurity?


                • I hear you Risch, hi, and BTW i lived in South Africa as a child and have some understanding of the culture and people ... you mention your fear and insecurity, and this is normal, i hear that you fear your children being rejected and not that you fear being alone, but in a sense, not feeling wanted by an adult male. like others have mentioned, what you need to do, is feel your fear and let it happen, cos what will the worst be that can happen, well very little really. we say we will be driven mad thro our fears, and yes we can get in states, but we are also very strong - women i mean, i believe in lots of ways a lot stronger than men, after all, look at all that you alone have accomplished. you say you have been married twice, and this is going to undermine you for a while, and even if it should take years before your confidence levels return, dont fear that they will not return. as you accomplish, then each step is a new you, a new direction, a link to where you are going. and in lots of ways i would have preferred myself to have had my children away from a man and his influence. as i got on well with my children, and i think the relationship with the man tends to sour the waters to a degree, where we are constantly looking for their approval, instead of saying, you know what, i can do this, on my own and i dont need you mate. dont get me wrong, there are good men and there are men who would never in a million years be independent enough to live on their own. they may rush to their mom, or their sister, or friend, anyone who was a female, rather than sort out their lives, their issues etc. but you have children, and you will be able to make choices and decisions that affect you, and them, and not have to consider if it is going to result in upheaval for a man.....so i think see this as another direction in your life, and see it as a blessing, and good wishes, for an eventful journey !!!! relish rather than worry pet !


                  • Time has a way of healing things. It's hard & it will take time. Just try to focus on yourself. Keep your mind busy with new activities/ hobbies. Do what you can to get your mind off the divorce.


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