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I'm Being Poisoned with Anxiety, I'm A Freak In So Many Eyes

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  • I'm Being Poisoned with Anxiety, I'm A Freak In So Many Eyes

    I have the worst anxiety. It's random, I hate it so much. I have a boyfriend whom I love dearly, and the last time we went to a movie and It was nice, but I started crying and just hid in his shirt pretending to hug him. He figured it out and I felt so bad for ruining the moment. He understands, but I don't want to continue this sadness infecting my life. My parents made me see a therapist, but that just made me bawl and I didn't want to ever go back to him... I don't think I believe in psychotherapy I guess. I just want drugs to control my anxiety. I thought I had Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but he thinks what I have isn't bad enough, though it has driven me to become suicidal and depressed in the past. I don't know what to do!

    What makes me a freak? This anxiety has caused me to develop trichophagia, if you don't know what that is, it means I chew and eat my hair (on my head) and it relieves my stress. Some websites where I looked this condition up have said it can be caused from trauma from past events. Which leads me to another question.

    When I was 6 an older boy made me take off my clothes and he rubbed his member against my "area". I got very confused and became very embarrassed. Like most molestations, I forgot about the event, it seemed to dwell into the back of my head for the rest of my childhood until I became a freshman in high school, and I became again embarrassed, because another friend who began to get in touch with me again witnessed the event slightly. I never considered that event to be a molestation because I thought the boy would have had to be at least 18 but I believe he was a young teen. Would that be considered molestation? And do you think it might have something to do with why I'm so messed up for no reason at all it seems? Thanks for any support, advice, answers.
    -Love, e

  • Welcome residentme.

    Understanding each other's "parts" is a curious thing .. So much has to, has to be explained to parents of today's age...

    Because the curiousity gets the better yet no one , no one has explained what you can and can not do....and then some "boys" think it's ok it's a friend and I didn't do anything "ie" penetration they don't understand...

    IT IS NOT OKAY....And, we supress it and don't realise why we live an unhappy life, why we feel hurt, confused.

    You have to face this person and tell them they affected you all this time....they probably didn't / don't I hope, realise.

    And then you have to understand,it was not fair you should not have endured this but it's okay,you are okay, you realise what happened now and you can have closure and be okay....and make sure no one can take advantage of this again...

    YOU WERE A CHILD, it should never have happened and I am so sorry that it did sweet....

    You are not a freak ..... you are in fear ...you remember and know as an older girl it was wrong by him but please see it as that, HIS WRONG, not yours.....

    Don't be frightened, so many of us have been there, stay with us and understand that we are here sweet.



    • I have no formal mental health training of any kind but, as I've honestly and openly shared in this forum, I have had life long battles with depression and anxiety. It sounds like what you're going through is directly tied to the event that took place in your past. When things like this take place a lot of us are too young to be able to process it so we just "forget" about it. We don't really forget it, we are actually supressing it but we're too young to understand what that means.

      As we age, and assuming that we haven't talked to anyone about the event, we continue to suppress it and it festers within us until such time that it can be suppressed no more.

      If I woke up in your shoes the first thing I would do is find a female counselor/therapist who specializes in sexual related issues. I would talk to them about your depression, anxiety, thoughts of suicide, etc. Whether you believe in psychotherapy or not, just approach your meeting as a discussion with someone who knows more than you about what's bugging you.

      I would also make an appointment to see your physician for a complete physical, to rule anything else out, and to talk with them about your depression and anxiety as well.

      As for meds, they help you, they don't cure you. Much like a bridge that enables you to cross a river....you still have to take the steps necessary to cross the river. Meds help you to deal with your depression and anxiety but you have to be willing to do what else is necessary in order to be successful.

      I wish you well.


      • residentme,

        We are wondering how you are, we haven't heard back from you...

        We'd love you to communicate with us here, ......



        • I would say yes, that does eh... qualify... for molestation. If it only makes you feel embaressed, consider yourself lucky. I wouldn't say it's why you're that screwed up, unless it bothers you, or it used to and you've surpressed it greatly.

          What brings the anxiety on? Or is it truly random? It might not even be anxiety if it's not mostly constant, it could be panic attacks... Depression... Even Bi-Polar. I called mine "people phobia" till I figured out it was a type of anxiety... Basically, being around more than 3-5 people, especially strangers (school, stores, concerts) would just make me hysterical inside... It still does sometimes, but it's a of a lot more manageable.

          Drugs are not going to cure you, and from my experience, made things worse. And to get those, you have to talk to a counsilor regularly & see a therapist as well. Talking about it helps. Ignoring it while it's occurring helps. Having supportive friends and whatnot with you when you're going to be somewhere / doing something that triggers it helps... Basically, whatever you can do to keep your mind off it will greatly help.

          Trichophagia does most certainly not make you a freak. I didn't know there was a name for that... Lol, I guess I'm a freak I've done it since I was about 12. But I like to basically, trim my hair with my teeth... Hahaha. I sit there zoned out into school work or something, and realize that I've been chewing centimeters off my hair for about 15 minutes. XD

          Anxiety is a very personal disease, it effects everyone differently, and you have to find your own way of dealing with it / treating / curing it. It might just randomly go away, alot of my mental problems did...

          There's nothing wrong with you, there's nothing embarrassing about any of that stuff, and you're not the only one who's been through it all. Good luck to ya ^_^


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