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How do I walk away from an alcoholic?

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  • How do I walk away from an alcoholic?

    Hi everyone,1st post! Loving the site!

    Right, been with my BF for a year but he is an alcoholic. I feel drained of life, I dont trust him, we constantly argue about him drinking.

    Why do I feel guilty about leaving him and why do I always end back up in his arms?

    I feel so down its unbelievable.

  • What about him do you like?
    What is good about him?
    What is good about the relationship?


    • When you do leave him... do you just miss him and come back? Or does he somehow guilt you into coming back? Alcoholism is a disease like no other, not only does it eat away at your body (with alcoholics it's usually the liver) but also your mind, heart and soul... but it doesn't stop there this disease unlike most (such as cancer, heart disease, copd etc...) those attack the person stricken with the disease but addiction not only affects the addict but anyone in the addicts life and that effect is ALWAYS a negitive one. It will eventually destroy your relationship and any relationship for that matter. In my opinion I think addiction is just as hard if not harder on the loved ones of the addict then the person that is addicted to something. Typically an addicts drug of choice gives them a numb, euphoria, don't have a care in the world effect... so while you are stressing out and tormented over things.

      My suggestion to you is to find a local support group (such as ALNON which is for loved ones of alcoholics) and they can provide you with support as well as helpful advice because who better to guide you than someone that is where you are or has been where you are.

      I wish you all the luck in the world with your situation.


      • I was married to an alcolholic for more years than I care to remember. I think I may have some insight into this. First, alcoholics are very good, very adept at making the other person feel guilty. It will be your problem that he drinks. You will be made to feel it is your fault each and every time he gets drunk, falls down, loses a job, yells at you, at the children or strangers that pass by. It will be your fault when you argue and at first, instead of hitting you he hits and punches a hole in the wall. The Exact Words Will Be "Now see, see what you made me do".

        He will drive drunk. You will wonder if you should anonymously call the police to find him and hopefully catch him because you don't know whether you could live with yourself if he hits and kills someone innocently driving their car or worse yet in a school zone and a child is walking to school.

        You'll start to refuse to drive anywhere with him because he will always have residual effects of alcohol. It may be the last beer he had last night still in his system, or the shot he took in the morning to calm his nerves and the "hair of the dog" excuse.

        He'll start asking you to call into work and tell them he's "sick". And the sad part is he really is sick just not in the way you say to his boss.

        You'll be ashamed to put your garbage out for pickup each week because the number of bottles is staggering and you won't want the neighbours to see.

        You won't want him to go to any school activities for your children because he will make inappropriate or untimely remarks unrelated to your child's progress. The children will be embarassed. He'll smell of alcohol at noon and you won't want him to even go shopping for groceries with you. The embarrasement is too much.

        Remember though, this all will somehow be your fault. You'll have been arguing about his drinking all these years, he may have some periods of sobriety. He may wake up in the morning, turn to you and declare that "He talked with God, and God has told him that he'll never drink again!" By noon this has all been forgotten.

        In the meantime, your self-esteem is down in the gutter because nothing you can do will be the right thing to do. You won't be able to keep the house nice enough, meals won't be nutritious enough, hot enough, or ready when he finally comes home. Plates will be thrown, the children will cry -- maybe at this point he starts taking it out on you. You hide the bruises for a while and think you've hidden things from the kids, but they know. They cry, they get upset, their grades fail and their self-esteem goes down into the gutter as well.

        You won't have money for a new pair of shoes that you or the children need -- but he'll find the cash to purchase a bottle.

        If your lucky, you'll get out at this point, as I did. I finally realized that the children and myself were worth so much more.
        End of real story.

        If you are smart, you'll leave now. You will feel down for a while but it's better than the alternative. You don't owe him anything, especially the rest of your youth or life.

        Remember what I said earlier, alcoholics are very good at making you feel guilty. Realize you didn't start him on this path and you can get rid of the guilt. The guilt is part of why you feel so down. When you feel better by removing this, you'll probably make the proper choice for yourself. He'll then be forced into making choices for himself as well.
        That which we forget may as well never really happened.


        • The problem that I had with Al Anon is that they teach coping skills for living with an alcoholic. I didn't want to live with one any longer. When situations get bad enough they will suggest that separating is the most positive action that one can take to protect not only themselves but those around them. It lease the alcoholic to fend for themselves, to make or not make their own decisions (good or bad) and to then have full responsibility for their own lives. Al Anon also reminds the co-dependent that their needs much be taken care of first.
          NICSY must take care of herself.
          That which we forget may as well never really happened.


          • If you are smart, you'll leave now.

            Thanks for all your replies, they have made me feel a bit better!

            I do feel quite down the now, not had any contact with him for a few days! I think he has met someone else at 1 of the many house parties he attends when Im out working.

            Its for the best we are not together but I feel down, I miss him (when he has only had a few drinks), its when he goes over the top all the starts!

            Im sad without him and sad when Im with him, i just dont think he reallly cares about me like I care about him...how messed up!!


            • How do you walk away from an alcoholic? You just did

              You have to remember, all that you want out of life, the simple things, the happiness....If that is not occuring, then don't feel sad at the ending, feel happy about your new beginning.

              We always miss company and the "I wish" but we do not miss the sadness...

              You know there is someone else out there, there always is....so go onto the next journey and don't look back.

              PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!


              • You walk away from an alcoholic by recognizing/realizing that he loves the beer/booze/buzz more than he loves you.


                • Thanks CW thats very wise words, Seeker Advice, harsh but true....dosent really make me feel better though, have u ever been in love??


                  • Yes.

                    I'm sorry to be so harsh but I believe that you deserve better. Don't you?

                    He has not reached rock bottom and until he does, then decides for himself that he no longer wants to live that way, you/he will continue to live a roller coaster life. Do you want that?

                    Some of the best decisions we make in our lives are also some of the most difficult. This is one of yours.


                    • you look in the mirror and have a conversation with yourself....you find your self respect during that conversation and realize that you are not the one with the problem, and you have enough dignity left to walk away, because you put YOU first. period.

                      (been there, done that!)
                      just breathe . . .


                      • my dad has been an alcoholic for between 20 & 30 years... He's like 65 now, and in my life, I only saw him sober MAYBE 3 or 4 times. TRUST ME. I KNOW it's REALLY HARD to walk away... You want to help, you don't want to leave them, you love them... But they have to want the help. They have to love you enough to pull through. And let me tell you, you're 90% likely, just wasting your time. The last time I saw my dad was Christmas and he was actually sober... The last time I even TALKED to him before that, was a good 3-6 months before that, and a good nother 5-6 months before that phone call that I'd seen him. Everytime I think about him, it really hurts. But I know it's for the best that I put as much space between us as possible. I told him the one time we talked about a year ago, when he was drunk again, that he let me down my whole life. That he was a terrible father. That he was weak and selfish. And that it's been killing me for so long, that I will never be his daughter, never love him again. Those words, actually helped him get sober for about 4 months. I was really proud of him. But, as always, he let me down again.

                        So as hard as it is, tell him, NO EXCEPTIONS, it's either me, or the booze. Not tomorrow, not later, right now, you need to decide. And the very next second he "slips up" and gets plastered, leave.

                        If he's really committed to quitting, and wants your help, it's worth a try. But don't waste your time if he's as lost of a cause as my dad. Cause in the end, it's not worth the damage it will do to you mentally.


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