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Is this rape?

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  • Is this rape?

    I was very drunk and kissing and fondling with a guy. He tried to have sex with me, I said I didn't want to, especially without a condom. He was fingering me and then put his penis in instead (no condom). I went along with it because I didn't know what to do, I was not in a clear state of mind. Then I passed out, and woke up with him still having sex with me. I woke up very confused and could feel that he came, then he got up and left to smoke a cigarette.

  • Did you say "no"?


    • At a minimum, when you passed out, you no longer were able to consent, therefore it was rape. Yes it was rape.
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


      • I did before it happened but not during


        • It was not exactly forceful rape as he was inside you before you passed out and you did not say anything then....
          Had you of said "stop" or "no" it would have made more of a case

          He should not have had sex with you while you were passed out, perhaps some would see this as Rape but I do not as you did not say in clear words "no" or "get off me" while he was inside before you passed out.

          There is a world of difference between "I don't want to" and a clear "No"
          I am going to tell you what you don't want to hear!
          Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't


          • spurzzz, so if I passed out right now and Joe Schmoe from the street came and had sex "with" me, that wouldn't be rape as I was too unconscious to say no?

            I think it was rape. You were drunk, said no you didn't want to do this, then passed out and he was goin' at it.


            • the grey areas you would have is this statement..

              especially without a condom
              I went along with it because I didn't know what to do,
              If you said that, then you are saying it's okay as long as there is a condom...and then if you went along with it, he may have thought it was okay...

              Notwithstanding he ignored you, from the inset regarding a condom and as such I deem it to be rape.

              PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!


              • Have you done any medical test ? If not, you should asap !
                Provided you took care of the "next day pill" right away...
                Behold the presence of the Father in all beings...


                • We've has some discussion before about this type of situation.
                  Was he equally drunk?
                  In my mind (and I have been raped) you cannot use alcohol to excuse your failure to be clear as to what you wanted, unless he can equally use the same excuse for failing to understand your consent or lack of it.

                  I think that as a society we need to get to a state of mind that sexual relations require clear consent (that means saying, "yes") rather than a lack of a forceful,"No". The current attitude with things like fraternity members parading on campus chanting, "No means Yes", is not an environment calculated to respect women's sexuality or consent. But then it hasn't been for several thousand years. As a mother of both a daughter and a son and having been gang raped myself as a young teen, I am very concerned about how our society approaches this issue. Some women who have been raped have been vilified but many men have been falsely accused as well. It's a land mine.

                  Back to your question, were you raped? I can't say, I don't know what really transpired. Did you say, "No, not without a condom", and then go back to engaging in behavior that it could be argued that he, especially with his judgement equally impaired, would interpret as consent? You have to own your responsibility in the situation, that doesn't mean his behavior is excusable, but neither is yours.

                  I feel very strongly against rape. But I also have personally seem cases of men whom I feel were clearly railroaded and have had their lives and their families lives ripped to shreds by a woman who doesn't even really remember what happened or who is embarrassed at what she did. This is a very touchy area. Without better information, which it doesn't sound like you are really, honestly, able to provide. Saying you, "went along with it" because you were, "not in a clear state of mind" puts you on shaky ground. I don't think anyone can say if you were raped. You were clearly not in a condition to consent, but was he in a condition to recognize consent? Why did you put yourself in this position? Personally I do not regard voluntary alcohol or drug use as an out for unacceptable behavior by either gender. For women to achieve the respect and equality we have struggled for, for so long ,we have to act with respect for ourselves and with responsibility. People should be able to walk naked down the street unmolested, but we aren't there yet.
                  Was he wrong? Yes
                  Were you wrong? Yes
                  Was one of you more wrong that the other? There isn't enough information to say.

                  All that aside, get in and get tested, take care of your immediate health and quit drinking or getting high.


                  • There is no question in my mind that you were raped. Drunk or not, you DID NOT consent. You verbally said no, and your body said no. .....and if you're passed out, and he's still going at it. That's another issue.

                    I'm sorry that this happend, i don't think the alocohol excuse should even be a factor. Good for you for getting on here and talking about it. This is something that you shouldn't keep locked away.


                    • WildChild that is a very good post... Now my own opinion is wavering.


                      • I feel strongly that this was rape. But whether other people on this forum would consider it rape is not important. What is important is how you feel about it and if you feel you were raped. Do you feel you were violated, taken advantage of, or made to have sex against your will? Because of the fact that you are even questioning whether or not it was rape, makes me think you feel like this was not right and you didn't like it. My best advice is for you to talk to someone about your experience so you can sort through all your feelings about it. You could even get some advice on how to proceed with legal action against this person should you chose to pursue that. There are rape crisis centers in many cities, and I'm sure there is one near you. These are completely confidential, so you can feel safe telling them anything. If you don't want to go in person, most rape crisis centers have a hotline that you can call and talk to somone on the phone. You can Google rape crisis centers in your area to find one or here is the number to the National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-HOPE. I hope this helps you. Take care of yourself.
                        Last edited by WildChild; 05-27-2011, 08:23 PM. Reason: removed link


                        • I had a very similar situation. I was 20 and dating a guy I knew throughout high school. I was still a virgin and he was not. I made it clear to him in the beginning of our relationship, that I waiting for the right time and when I was ready. Well one day we went back to his place after we've had some to drink and started fooling around. The next thing I know he is on top of me and inserted his penis inside my vagina. I told him "no we can't do this" and he said okay and took it out. Then he put it back in and I again said "No we can't do this, especially if you don't have a condom" and so he pulled it back out and we stopped everything. He then went to sleep.

                          I blamed myself for many years after that (I am 25 now) saying that I didn't come out and say "no", but yes...I did. It doesn't have to be a clear "NO" in order to get your point across. If I said "No we can't do this" it should have put a hault to everything, because it clearly says I did not give him consent. You got raped, just how I did, but he did it in a way that made it seem like it was your fault for not making things clear. Don't blame yourself. It was the creep who couldnt take no for an answer and had to do it anyway.

                          I hope you were on birth control since you mentioned he came. If not, please get the plan B. You can get them from any pharmacy.


                          • Maybe I feel more bitter about it because it was my virginity and had NO intensions of having sex anytime soon. I took pride in the fact that I was 20 and still a virgin and I said no several times (i think even 3 times i said it). Idk...some of you may not consider it rape, but i sure as heck felt like it was!!! I broke up with him the next day.


                            • To me it was rape. Perhaps your actions were not the best actions, especially considering you were impaired. I don't know if he was impaired or not. Anyway, you said you didn't want to. Not only did you say you didn't want to do so, you said you didn't want to do it without a condom. He continued his actions and did not use a condom. You may have not known what to do about him performing sexual acts on you because you were impaired. You couldn't think clearly. No matter what, his actions are not excusable. You were in no condition to consent out right. His actions are not your fault. He knows right from wrong as well as you do. BTW, I was raped when I was fifteen. You are not responsible for other people's actions. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. It is understandable why you would be so confused; especially if you feel some blame for it. You are not responsible for his actions, even if someone thinks you were leading him on.


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