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sex deprived

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  • sex deprived

    I am somewhat confused in my relationship. Basically, I have been together with my 19 year old boyfriend for almost three years now. For the most part, our relationship is amazing. We are so alike! We have similar personalities, we laugh at the same humor, and we share many of the same interests and values in life. He is very dedicated in our relationship, as am I, and we know we really have something special going on. However, there are a few things I feel are lacking in our relationship. For one, I am way more frisky than he is. In the first six months of being together, our sex life was great. We had sex many times a week and it was amazing! We both initiated it evenly. After the six month mark is when our sex life began to go downhill. Suddenly, I became the one who had to initiate any sexual contact. For a few years it went on like this. We had many discussions over this; I made it clear to him that I am tired of always being the one to initiate. I told him he makes me feel undesirable because I have an incredible sex drive. And if I do not initiate any form of sexual contact, we will go two weeks with no sex, no foreplay, NOTHING. And then, when the miraculous day comes when he initiates something, he only seems concerned about his own orgasm, and more often then not, he is okay with leaving me hanging with no orgasm at the end. For the longest time, I initiated sex. Until more recently, in the past few months, I absolutely gave up on initiating sex. I felt overwhelmed by always having to do it, and I almost felt like I needed to take a stand. And by me ALWAYS initiating anytime I want something, which is at least every other day, I am simply just enabling him to lay back and not make any effort whatsoever. I became frustrated, and to be honest, quite sick of our stagnant sex life. Every time we discuss this and I tell him how hurt I feel from it, he always promises to "work on it", yet, nothing EVER improves. I almost feel as though we are just best friends living together... I don't know what to do. Him being a 19 year old male, you would think he would have a sex drive like an animal. But he doesn't. And I almost feel like we both have totally different views when it comes to sex. I want it to be spontaneous, adventurous, always a surprise. I want him to feel me up randomly in the kitchen or surprise me with a quickie before bedtime even. Is that so much to ask for? With this said, I feel unwanted, and I feel our sex drives are so different. It makes me sad because I REALLY love him. So, SO much. He is an amazingly wonderful human being and I respect him with every cell in my body. I am at a loss, because I feel I have done everything possible to salvage this sex life. I have tried talking dirty, wearing sexy see-through underwear, I have even tried pleasing him without expecting anything in return. And when we have sex, he usually goes soft after about 15 or 20 minutes... is he not into me or something? I take care of myself, and he does compliment me. I am petite and fit, I exercise often to make sure I have a nice body for my man.

    Anyway, any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks so much for your time.

  • It sounds like you two have completely mismatched sex drives. You can do tests on his testosterone level to make sure it is adequate. You can check if he is indulging in looking at porn or having an affair. You can check if he has erectile dysfunction. But barring any of these type of problems, you are seeing the real him without the excitement of a new relationship. If that is the case, it is unlikely he will change. You may be better in a new relationship with someone who is more sexually compatible.

    Part of the problem may be that he is selfish and wants to be in control, so your initiating has really got him upset to the degree he is holding back until you submit. If that is his thought process, then it is time to change relationships.

    You also said he sometimes leaves you wanting more since you haven't orgasmed. Does he ever do anything other than intercourse to get you to orgasm, such as masturbating you or giving you oral? If he does, does he like to do that? Do you two use a lot of different positions or is it always the same ones? How fast do you reach orgasm?
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


    • Thank you for your response. I know he is not having an affair--he is way too honest and too against cheating to ever consider that. And I'm almost positive he doesn't look at porn... he really is not into kinky stuff. He can go like 2 weeks without an orgasm so I think the issue is that we are at different levels when it comes to this. I like have sexual contact every other day, whereas he can go a couple weeks without doing anything. Our sex drives just don't match up. And sometimes he is concerned with making sure I come, but also there are times when I am left hanging and it seems like he doesn't even care. Only occasionally will he give me oral but he never makes me come with his hands---nor does he try to. The only time he gives me oral is when I give him oral--so he is obviously getting something in return. He is sometimes impatient while giving it to me because women take longer to orgasm then men. Sometimes I feel he is frustrated because I can't orgasm in 5 minutes like he can. And then when he gets impatient or sighs while doing it just puts me out of the mood like he doesn't want to be doing it. He has only made me orgasm once without expecting anything in return. He never just does it for the of it--never because he just wants to make me feel good. We try many different positions when we do have sex so it's not like we only stick to missionary. I am always willing to do the work too so it's not just him that has to do it. I am at a loss here, I don't know what to do since our sex drives don't match up. What do you think?


      • I'm guessing you guys don't live together... and I'm guessing he's not going 2 weeks without an orgasm, not at his age... or any mans age really. Just because he's not into kinky stuff doesn't mean he isn't self-pleasuring and therefore, reducing his drive to be with YOU. A lot of men, especially young men or sexually inexperienced men... masturbate a lot, get use to it... it becomes so ingrained in their daily routine that they don't even consider it having a negative impact on their sex life. They are seriously dumbfounded like..."maybe I do have a low drive?" because they only want actual sex a few times a month... but they don't even factor in the fact that they are masturbating off their urges one or two times a day.

        Its just something to consider... I'd be willing to bet 3 donuts that this is a factor in your situation. That and him lacking confidence in pleasing you sexually... that maybe he feels inadequate when you guys have sex so he avoids it as much as possible.

        Talking about it is the only way its going to get better, or is the only way you are going to determain it won't. Letting him know that you want him to save up all his sexual energy for you... is a good start.
        Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.


        • Thanks for your help. We do live together actually. We've been living together for a while now and we spend a lot of time together, and I am almost CERTAIN he doesn't spend his time masturbating... I highly doubt it. I suppose I could ask him though. Maybe he has a secret life of jacking off that I don't know about? But he is plenty adequate when we have sex... I love his big you-know-what. And he knows it! He is the only guy skilled enough to make me orgasm. So I do not understand why he would lack confidence in pleasing me... I've talked to him about this sooo many times it's ridiculous. I just don't know what to do because it seems like talking about it never gets me anywhere... he always says it's not a good time for me to bring this up. EVERY time! So when is a good time? I just don't know what to do about our sex life. We are young and in love and sex should be passionate, and FREQUENT! If our sex life is like this now, I do not want to imagine what it'll be like when we are 50. Ha... anyway, if he doesn't have that sexual energy as frequent as I do, what do I do???


          • Sabrina20, I definitely feel your pain on this one. My boyfriend (now husband) and I had a very similar issue a few year back and it turned out to be related to depression. He was struggling with some mental health stuff on his end that did significantly effect our relationship. After doing some searching to ensure that medical billing was adequate and insurance was able to cover (due to the additional expense that we could not cover alone), we sought professional help and things have improved. It still fluctuates at times, but in general, our communication, his drive, and our relationship have all improved because of it!

            Also, from your post, it does sound like he cares deeply for you but may lack experience and may be timid because of this. I dont know if you are older than him or not, but if you have been together for 3 years and he is 19 now, that would mean that he was 16 or so when you first started having sex. If you are older, he may be looking to you for guidance and be unsure of himself and his abilities. I don't know for certain, but it's a possibility. Being 19, he is very young in his sexual experiences (when you put it into perspective) and may need a little more help in building that self-confidence needed to dominate and take the lead in bed.

            If you two have a great relationship outside of this, stick to it, communicate, seek professional counsel, and it can get better!!!

            Best of luck!


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