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im obsessed with not being made look like a fool

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  • im obsessed with not being made look like a fool

    does anyone else have an obsession with not being made a fool of?

    i have a lot of paranoia about my wonderful boyfriend cheating on me or talking to a girl behind my back. but not because he has given me any reason to ACTUALLY BELIEVE he would do these things (he is one of the most giving, caring, and loving people ive ever met who i know will do me no wrong). but because other men (and other women) have talked to other people or cheated on their partners, and i am obsessed with making sure that i am not made a fool of. when he tells me hes busy at work and cant text for a few hours, i quickly jump to the conclusion that hes fooling around with someone in the broom closet. and i always know its stupid and im able to tell myself thats not true pretty much immediately, but for some reason i always have to at least acknowledge the possibility that something like that could happen. that way, if in some bizzare alternative universe, it does happen, i can say "hey, i saw that coming! he didnt trick me! im not a fool!" does anyone else do this?

  • I know how you feel, in the past I've had to sit myself down and explain... to myself... that I have nothing to worry about.

    I think there are a lot less cheaters in the world than what we may be led to believe. It's rare for people to go around gushing about how great their partners are, but the moment something goes wrong, all the world has to hear about it.

    If you were ever cheated on, I don't think you'd be the fool in anyone's eyes. Far from it. It's always the cheater who loses, always. And if you were ever cheated on you'd be the smart one who'd walk away head held high, knowing you are a great person who deserves better.


    • wishy0uwerehere, I think that no matter how great a relationship, because there is so much talk and publicity of partners cheating, you cannot help but have that fear in the back of your mind; however it sounds to me that your fear is more debilitating and irrational than what may be considered healthy for your relationship at times. :-/ It's great that you are able to recognize these as irrational and then talk yourself out of it! That's a huge step! What comes next is the need to start working on where that paranoia and fear comes from in the first place. If you have been cheated on in the past, it will take a great deal of work to get over that and accept that your current partner isn't the Dbag that the one that cheated was!!! Do you act on these fears?! Do you question your partner about these things and possibly negatively impact your relationship? There is nothing wrong with these thoughts crossing your mind...it's natural and human...it becomes an issue in a relationship when you start to put ACTION behind these thoughts. But it sounds like you take the time to rationalize and realistically look at your thoughts and change your thinking before it gets to that place. That's the goal!! You're not crazy...you're just human!!!!


      • I think you need to switch your thinking a bit. This is, as you've described, a wonderful man, caring, loving, and has given you NO reason to question his fidelity. Are there cheaters in this world? Of course. But it seems you've found a partner who isn't, and those thoughts are going to drive him away. You may think you're internalizing them so he doesn't feel your fear, but I bet if you asked, your boyfriend would know that you're uneasy and don't fully trust him. This might work for now, but eventually he will tire of it. You need to open your heart, you need to love and respect fully and expect that love and respect in return. That lack of trust is going to wreck this great thing you have going.

        My fiance and I have been together for a long time and I trust him with my life and my heart until he gives me a reason not to. We've discussed already that we would never cheat, both knowing how terrible that feels. If it ever were to get to such a sour point in our relationship that cheating would cross one of our minds, we will do the other a favor and part ways. Like your boyfriend, my fiance has given me absolutely zero reason to think he'd ever be unfaithful. Because of that I trust him completely... even knowing that he's human and it could happen. I still choose to trust him. And should the day come that I find out he's been unfaithful, he and all his stuff will be on the curb, and he will be called a fool for being a cheater, for throwing away any chance at a future with a wonderful wife like me. He can go out and start over, have fun with whatever girls he finds dateable, even though we'll both know they'll never compare to me. **I** will not be the fool in that scenario.

        And if it turns out that this man you're with isn't as perfect as you thought, if he does cheat (even though the chances of that are about zero), know that YOU are not the fool for being cheated on, and no one is going to look at you like that. HE is the fool for ruining what he had with a fantastic girl like you, to tramp around with with someone not even in your league. Everyone will be looking at him like HE is nuts.


        • thanks everyone i appreciate your input and i agree - he would be the fool if he cheated on me! but what im more concerned about is not my fear of being cheated on, but my fear of feeling or appearing to be a fool. say, if he did cheat on me, i would be sad and all, but i would also feel embarrassed that he was smarter than me and was able to get away with it. i have this burning desire to know everything all the time, so that i can have one leg up on any situation. so i cant say "wow, that surprised me. i didnt see it coming" and so that he couldnt feel like "haha, im talking to this girl behind her back and she doesnt know. ive fooled her! i cant believe im getting away with this." does that make ANY sense? lol :P


          • Look at the situation this way... if (and I am NOT saying that he would or could because I don't know anything about your relationship) but if say there was an upset in the blance of the universe and he did speak to another woman or be unfaithful... the very last thing you need to worry about is feeling as though he has made a fool of you because the way I see it, the person that cheats is not only the fool but in my opinion also a coward.
            Let me as you something and you don't even have to give me an answer but just looking at the situation from a different angle may help put things in perspective for you.
            Did you hear on the news about Arnold Schwartzenagger (sp?) having an affair with the maid and fathering a son, keeping it a secret for I think 16 yrs. or more (I can't remember how old the son is but I know he's in his teens). Well, even though he tried to cover it up it all came out and poor Maria Schriver, well all I can say is that I feel for the woman. Now when you hear of a situation like that do you think Maria Schriver was made a fool of? Or Sandra Bullock? Their men cheated through no fault of their own, and because they are in the public eye everyone that visited a grocery store check stand could read all about it.... in my personal opinion those women weren't made fools of.... they were betrayed (very pubicly at that) but to me, I think those men that had the affairs are the ones that look like fools because they didn't have enough control to stay faithful to the person they "claim to love" and if you will notice.... those men tried like heck to get their women to take them back but too late, damage was done and I think they are the ones that made fools of themselves.


            • JadedQueen makes a good point there. When I see stuff like that on the news or in the check out line browsing, my first thought is, "These guys are stupid!" I have never once thought the women were made fools of or that they must have deserved it in some way. Same thing with Tiger Woods. I only think, what a DumbA! If it's someone close to me, I immediately sympathize with them. No judgement passed or looking at them like they should have known. The cheaters are the losers in these senariose, not the ones who were caught unaware.


              • The thing that gets me is when this situation happens with a celebrity the papparizzi (sp?) always seems to hound the person that was cheated on. It's not fair in my opinion, not only do they have to deal with their relationship issues but to have to do it for the whole world to see is like salt in the wound. Just once I would love to see someone say.... "Ya know, why don't you steak out his place and ask him questions he's the one that created this scandal go and harass him" Most recently the situation with Maria Schriver, the reporters wouldn't leave her alone, yet I very rarely saw Arnold fielding questions from nosy reporters, then again he is rather intimidating but still, I think some respect should be shown I realize it's celeb. news blah... but get the news from the person that caused the situation, not the person that is trying to pick up the pieces.


                • Let's look at this in reality...

                  OMG you poor thing, what a cad....is in my opinion how people look at things.

                  Do you know who would look at you like that, a fool? Those whom don't like you are jealous of you Simply put
                  Last edited by CHANDLERS WISH; 08-03-2011, 02:18 PM.
                  PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!


                  • I registered for this forum specifically to reply to this question. First of all as my name would suggest, I am not a woman. I don't know the policy on such things for this site but I didn't want to be dishonest for any reason. I know this is an older thread but after I read the question along with all the replies, I felt I had to jump in to the conversation. Now as far as your question goes, I was wondering the exact same thing. What you describe is exactly the way I feel with most people most of the time. Even my parents who really are two of the best parents in the world are sometimes viewed with distrust by my overly active imagination. Friends, girlfriends (there haven't been any for a while) family and strangers are all put in this same category of people who might be trying to hide something from me. Sometimes I feel so convinced of something that it takes me days to come back down to earth and realize that my best friend isn't secretly running a "I hate my best friend" website or something of that nature. And of course I know that were any of these things actually happening I wouldn't be the one who should be ashamed. I know that if someone close to me was doing something scandalous behind my back that it would look bad on them. But that doesn't seem to have any effect on me. Because I don't like, in fact I loathe the thought of anyone getting the better of me in any way. Being outsmarted or outfoxed, running circles around me, friends talking in code with "strangers" who sometimes seem to say things that would suggest they know me even though I don't know them. These are a couple of the many intrusive thoughts I deal with day in and day out. It's a fear of being made to look like an idiot by those who I trusted. It's a fear of not being able to see the truth. It's a fear that everyone may turn out to be the enemy. And the thing about it is that most of the time I can talk myself down and realize I'm just overreacting to or over analyzing what someone said or did. I can look at a situation and see it from the sinister angle or I can try and remember that the girl who I just met doesn't have any reason to be in cahoots with anyone in a scheme designed to hurt me. But it always comes back eventually. I saw my best friend cry his eyes out the other day because of some personal issues he's having to deal with right now. He wept so much that there was absolutely no question as to whether or not he has emotions. But I have many times before wondered to myself and I've even questioned him about whether or not he is really my friend. I've seriously been convinced before that he was psychopathic even though I was there when he spent 3 hours in some bushes trying to rescue a kitten, which he did rescue and take home to live with him and where it still lives to this day. My best friend is a good person, better than most people in so many ways, and yet I am plagued by distrust of someone who doesn't deserve it. Even though I just witnessed him cry and be very candid with his feelings, I would be surprised if I didn't have these same thoughts again sometime in the not too distant future. And that really sucks because he's about the only friend I have and I know he gets real sick of my crap all the time. And I would like to try having a girlfriend again sometime. And I don't want to be plagued with uncertainty if I leave her and him together for minute while I go to the bathroom or whatever. So the long answer to your question is a resounding YES. I too have such an obsession.

                    And I would just like to say to the women who answered this question before me, I thought men were bad about trying to "fix" someone's problem with answers to questions they never asked but you ladies are just as bad. When someone asks the question "does anyone else have an obsession with not being made a fool of," you are presented with a question that has a limited number of responses. 1. Yes. 2. No. And that's pretty much it when it comes down to it. If your answer to the question is no then just say "no I've never experienced those thoughts before" or something of that nature and if you truly care to understand then ask for more details. What you shouldn't do is completely ignore the original question and proceed to answer the question you wanted to be asked. Nowhere in the OP's question did she write anything asking for advice on how to deal with the thoughts she was having. She simply asked if anyone else could relate. And until now it seems that answer would have been a resounding NO.


                    • Not a Woman - maybe you could have read where it said that these posts were in 2011 and that the OP hasn't returned at any rate. Also, I wasn't really able to read your reply as there were too many sentences crammed into too few paragraphs and this all made it difficult to read.

                      I read the replies to the OP's question by the other posters and most of the replies responded with their own answer in a short sentence and then went on to explain themselves or to relate why they felt the way they did and their words supported their position. In that last paragraph of yours you replied in the manner in which you would answer the question then went on to tell each other how they should have replied - in your words.

                      For one, I don't understand why you felt the need to interject this and at this time. Can you explain?
                      That which we forget may as well never really happened.


                      • NAW --

                        There are no policies against the participation of men on this forum. We have many people of both sexes who actively post and provide their opinions. Welcome to the forum and I admire both your empathy and courage to post your own story.

                        While I understand that people do not always post issues for problem solving, there are no right or wrong answers to any posts. As you understand, this is a discussion forum and our contributions not only include a direct response but also a reaction to the post. The OP is welcome to accept, ignore or try to focus our comments. Contrary to your reaction, the OP seemed just fine with the posts made 3 years ago. All of them showed great compassion.

                        This would be a boring place if our responses were limited to "yes" or "no" responses. We could have a forum of poll questions, but very few would stick around. There is also a natural inclination of people of both sexes to try to help. I also think that there are many people who "lurk" on the board and are helped by the posts and responses to deal with problems they may be reluctant to post.

                        I can only assume that both you and the OP in 2011 do not enjoy the paranoia. You could be a huge help to others by answering the question that most of us would think is the elephant in the room. How have you dealt with your own psychosis? Is there a treatment that has worked, lessened the symptoms or failed in its entirety? If you haven't entered treatment, why not?
                        "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"


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