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Dealing With Grief

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  • Dealing With Grief

    How do you deal with grief, personally? I lost a friend about a month ago and I'm wondering if I should dive in and wallow in it with pictures and every other kind of memorabilia I can find and a tub of ice cream for comfort for however long it takes, or woman up and just shut the feelings off. I have a feeling that might not be so great because repressed emotions don't really go away, they just lie there waiting to come back to ambush you later, but I don't know about the first either because too much intense emotion can actually hurt your brain chemically I think lol.

    Which would you do, or some other, or how to you deal in general? No pep talks, spiritual sermons, or attempts to 'fix' it, please ....it's not fixable anyway, and I'm not looking for pity, so just stick with the basics. I'll be okay, I'm just curious to know how people deal.
    [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

  • I lean on God and my wife - or we lean on each other. Cry it out if I need to, then keep it moving.
    "Those sowing seed with tears
    Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126


    • Cry when you need to cry, don't when you need to be stoic. Do both from time to time. Remember the good times.
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


      • Everyone has different emotions and different ways of dealing with things.

        I tend to think that those who hold onto grief, is not helping themselves.

        Anyone who passes "if there is an afterlife" would want people to remember the good times, laugh, hold them in their hearts and continue with life.

        Once I cry and my heart breaks, I remind myself of the above..


        • Each person, each community and even each ethnicity deals with grief in different ways, but usually to a prescribed norm for that country or place. There are societies in which the deceased is mourned with much wailing and outward shows of grief to societies that rejoice and dance and sing.

          Grief then becomes individual within that "norm of society". How close was this person to you? This usually dictates the length and depth of another's grief. At one month past this persons death, you as a friend should be well into normal life once again. The thoughts of this friend should come and go and yes, you may feel a twinge but it shouldn't be impacting your day.

          On the other hand, if you didn't go to the funeral, you may need some type of closure. Have a type of small memorial service, take flowers to the gravesite (if there is one and if not place them randomly on some long forgotten soul). Say your goodbyes, use that day as your grief day and then move on.

          I am not a great fan or believer in all the memorials that pop up on streets whenever a person say, dies in a car accident. After a while they usually become ill kept and unsightly yet are not replaced or tidied up. This puts the grief onto the general public and I think we are exposed to so many bad things already that we don't necessarily need to share in a strangers grief. It can be done more privately.

          As a few others have said as well "cry if you need to".
          That which we forget may as well never really happened.


          • We weren't super-close, but close enough for it to be a personal thing and not something I can look at from the outside. Anyway thanks for your input everybody.
            [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]


            • Sorry for your loss. I think if you need to indulge in a pint and weep over old pix then that's what you need. If you need to squash the feelings for awhile JUST UNTIL you're ready to deal with them, that's okay too. If you feel like you really don't need to do either, there's nothing wrong with that either. Although I'm guessing you feel like you need to do something with it all.
              We all process our emotions a little differently, and grief is one of those that, I think, is even more unique by the person.

              I tend to be the one who's strong in the moment, helping others cope and taking care of the necessities. Then deal with things alone, usually well after the shock and initial stages of grief have passed for others-usually months later.

              Do what ever you feel is going to meet your need, but yeah, don't squash the emotions too long.


              • Thanks kitty.
                [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]


                • Jen I just felt the need to add...

                  A dear friend of mine, 79.. Went in for a heart operation a year ago.

                  He asked me if he was going to be "ok".. The Witch in me said yes, you will be OK but I see May. He laughed.

                  Well, he went under and then into a Coma and then they noted he had black feet. They bandaged them and waited until they felt he was strong enough and bought him out of the Coma.

                  2 Months went by.

                  No major treatment on those feet, just rub stuff in, bandage, end of story.

                  He eventually was taken out of the Coma and remained in hospital. Physio etc, learning to walk, etc.. And those feet still bandaged.

                  You guessed it, by May he was allowed home.

                  CW has always been called a Witch.

                  Fast forward. The bandages and rubbing continued.. One day, it was like shirt... Why has this not been looked at?

                  He has staph infection.. And they have been trying antibiotics. His blood pressure started to go dramatically low yet, they said, come back in May...

                  I told him to get back in there, May is too long. He did.

                  He also has a few other problems which causes a major problem with getting his blood pressure higher.

                  A week ago, we were told... He's going down hill, pray.

                  A week later, the old codger is fighting, though he hates Hospital Food and is sleeping 90% of the time, he IS eating his wife's meals that she is bringing in.

                  Now we hope and pray.

                  Well not me, I put it out there into the Universe as belief, he will get over this too.

                  I received a call at 11.30pm a week ago from England yet this man is here in Adelaide, he has a lot of friends. We are kinda like soul mates from another era? If that makes sense. I have visited so has my fiancé many a time to his house and hospital over the year. And, his wife and I are friends.

                  But, her call was to tell me what the Doctors told his wife. Tomorrow, the day after, a week.

                  I cried my eyes out and couldn't stop. Took two days for the eyes to go down and I had to work.

                  Then I decided to "not believe" and to "believe" ...

                  A week later and they are now talking about getting him to eat more, physio he is stable but not good...

                  The point being of this post is to let you know.. our hearts are huge, filled with love for those that we love in life and a lot of us love a lot of people. When we hear news it hurts. Hurts badly. It's normal to feel pain.

                  Even if this person was to pass tomorrow? I will do what I wrote to you previously. Because I know, it's a body not the spirit and in that, that person would want me to remember all the funny things, good things, not suffer definitely but be pleased of the love that that person felt, saw and knew.

                  I hope that makes sense and I know you didn't ask for this but ya know I'm CW
                  PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!


                  • Thank you CW, that was very touching. Maybe we should make this a shared stories thread for this kind of stuff.
                    [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]


                    • If you're feeling something, let it out. If you're grieving inside, you need to express how you're feeling, even if it's looking at pictures and having a good cry. Some people try to grieve in a positive way. A younger man in my area died in a car accident and he really enjoy the sport of shooting clay pigeons, so his family put on a fundraiser of a sporting clay competition and all proceeds went to a good cause. It's nice because all his loved ones can get together to share stories and remember what a great person he was, and it shows that even for a short time, that person had a huge impact on so many people, and that's beautiful. Unfortunately, death is the worst part of life, but it's inevitable.


                      • Thanks cat. I sometimes have trouble with the positive part in the face of the unfairness part, but I hear what you're saying.
                        [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]


                        • I don't know Jen.. Personally, the more you read of other people in simular situations or at some point in time, there was the more "maybe" a person can understand and hopefully, it assists "that" person in the now.

                          Hence why I shared You could be right, it could be a good thing..
                          PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!


                          • I've been dealing with grief too. I hope it passes . Nothing specific or maybe some past stuff but it should pass.. I hope.


                            • How's it going Jen? Been meaning to follow up here


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