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Slightly weird obsession with my boyfriends ex... help!

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  • Slightly weird obsession with my boyfriends ex... help!

    Hi I think I need help! I have developed a weird obsession with my boyfriends ex. I’d be grateful for any advice.

    My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years and he has a child from his previous relationship. I’m not jealous of her in the way most people can be in a normal ex gf situation. I am completely confident in our relationship and don’t have any worries in that respect. My main problem is I resent his ex having a sort of control over our life. To me it seems like she tries to control him, she will often change times and days to suit herself which upsets our plans but it might just be me that see it like this, I am really frustrated that she has this control over MY life (when she changes plans it messes up my plans as he uses my car and then leaves me without transport!). I have spoken to my boyfriend about this and he tries to include me now which is great. Sometimes the change in time will suit us better, but I still get frustrated! Unfortunately, now any time my boyfriend tells me of a conversation, I assume the worst. She used to be very manipulative using the child as a weapon, threatening to stop him seeing the child but even though she has been a lot better this last year and stopped the threats, I always think she’s got an ulterior motive with every single thing she says.

    I keep saying I pray for the day the drama stops but I feel like now it’s me that’s carrying it on and I can’t make any sense of it. My boyfriend and I are saving for a deposit for a house and eventually plan to have children too but I worry so much about her making our life difficult, it completely puts me off. I feel like all this is taking too much of my focus and attention and I don’t know where this stems from or how to start to get past it.

    I’ve always had self esteem issues but my boyfriend is very supportive and has helped me so much in that respect. In my previous relationships I’ve always ended up internet stalking boyfriends’ exes and I think my paranoia has always gotten the better of me and in hindsight, has probably been the reason for my previous relationships failing! Thank goodness this time I don’t feel the same jealousy as I have previously but I have still developed this stupid habit of internet stalking her, looking for pictures or something to know what’s going on in her life. I think there is an element of me comparing myself to her, again I don’t know why! It started very gradually this time but now I look at her sites at least daily... why do I even want to see this?! I want to stop but I think that hiding or blocking her is only a way to stop the immediate problem, not so sure it will solve the underlying issue.

    If anyone could help me understand why I’m doing this or has any advice I would really appreciate the help. I hope that understanding it will help me stop stressing about her and put an end to this weird fixation.

    Sorry for the terribly long post!

  • Welcome to the forum lalaland.

    First, it is not a weird obsession. It is actually a normal part of a divorce with kids. The ex tries to do whatever she can to disrupt the new relationship. The woman who is now with the divorced Dad (you) can get jealous because there is continual contact about the child (plans changing, school information etc) in which she is excluded. It will get better, but you cannot blame him for the communication. He has no control over her. Don't let it be a point of argument between the two of you.

    You should know that the ex is equally jealous about you. That should make you feel better.

    I am surprised that there is no schedule in the divorce judgment for when your fiancé gets to see his child. My ex and I created a calendar so my kids knew when they were seeing me and had all the important school dates. We had a specific time for transfers. One suggestion is to the same so dates and timing has already been agreed upon in advance.

    Things are going to get better when you have a child. The jealousy will evaporate because you now have a deeper tie to your boyfriend -- him and a child -- then the ex. His child will now want to come to your place and see his/her sibling. You will then have a tie to her child. The power relationship will change completely.

    As for the stalking, there is nothing any of us can say to you. The man is now yours. You, not his ex, is going to have a future with him. He picked you. There is no reason you have to compare yourself to her. Be more confident.
    "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"


    • You're completely right! It really does feel like she's deliberately disrupting us and our plans. He says she's just inconsiderate generally but I feel like it's more than that. I suppose it doesn't matter either way, it's only a problem if I make it one.

      I wish it didn't make me feel better that she is jealous about me! I want to be indifferent!

      There is a sort of schedule, set days and rough times but it could be any time within the space of 2 hours in the middle of the afternoon. Again this wouldn't usually bother me, if I don't have plans but there are days where I would like to have use of the car but I need to wait for his ex to call him to say she's ready. My boyfriend tells me if I want to use the car then to use it... and just to let him know so he can tell her she will need to make the trip instead but he wants to know in plenty time so she doesn't get annoyed. I can see all sides of it. He just wants to keep the peace and I know it would be an inconvenience for her to be told last minute. I'm just annoyed I can't do things on a whim any more! I think I'll need to try harder to get my boyfriend on board. It wouldn't be unreasonable for her to appear at varied times if she was making the trip. Maybe to start I could get him to arrange a set time for when he is making the trip.

      I agree about us having a child helping the situation. I did think that but was worried as I've seen a few couples try to sort relationships by getting married and/or having children... it doesn't cure relationship problems and then you have another broken home. I don't want that for us.

      You're right, my boyfriend tells me to be more confident too. Maybe I just need to hide her page and try to occupy my time another way!

      Thank you so much for your help. Talking to friends and family who know the situation can only help so much but they always have a biased opinion! It really helps to have help from an outside perspective.



      • No worries, Lala. I've been through it. Don't be so hard on yourself; you are handling the situation just fine. It is natural to be competitive with exes, for her and for you. Just remember that you have the guy and she is the one looking in, wondering why you have what she didn't.

        My only advice is not to push your fiancé too hard. He does not want to give his ex any ammunition with his child. He does not want to fight with her either. So long as he does not side with her against you, let him play the nice guy and peacemaker.
        "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"


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