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Getting my drama off my chest

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  • Getting my drama off my chest


    So I'm generally a happy person, pretty positive about life in general, but I have just had the worst year of my life and now that it's finally over I would like to share it with you (in summary) in the hopes that I might feel a bit better afterwards (and hopefully be reminded that my life isn't in the toilet).

    I'll start a little further back, just to give you the jist... my fiance and I decided we wanted a family after being together for 3 years, I had my implant removed and we were pregrant within 6 weeks (following a "safe sex until cycle back to normal" routine). Happy days!
    I loved being pregnant, felt so well and happy and, bar a few first-timer scares, it all went swimmingly. Until I went into labour. I was 6 days late and having tried everything else what finally got my little man moving was me running down the stairs to answer the door to the postman who, ironically, was delivering a birthing ball! I hit that bottom step and GUSH! No Mr postman I have not wet myself, my waters have broken, thank you and goodbye... you can't make this stuff up!
    So I call my fiance to tell him and he comes rushing home from work... and promptly starts to play on his computer. I'm there trying desperately to shave my legs and paint my toenails around this massive bump and he's sitting there like the lord of the manor... no problem babe I got this!
    So anyway my mum comes over and I wait at home as long as I can but by about 7pm the contractions are really hitting and I say it's time to go to the hospital. My fiance decides that, due to my frequent Braxton-Hicks contractions of late, that this is another false alarm and DOES NOT COME WITH ME TO THE HOSPITAL. My mum drives me there and eventually my fiance turns up having been dragged there by his mum and my dad. Nice of you to join us!
    Anyway, 27 hours later and I've got this monster baby in my arms weighing a portly 9lb 8.5oz. I'm in love. Unfortunately then begins the slow realisation that my fiance didn't really want to be a dad, but the thought of "getting me pregnant" was hot, apparently. Well it's a bit late to say that now isn't it mate?!
    So he spends his paternity leave playing computer games and sleeping while I cook, clean, shop and... oh yeah, care for a newborn! FML. This continues on throughout my son's early life. "Pappa" was good for a cuddle or a quick play but any feeding, bathing, nappy changing etc. was down to moi.
    He gets a new job at a supermarket, we move house so he's closer to work and everything looks nice for my little family. Then the drinking starts. He brings home 4-5 bottle of cider a day and downs them all. He starts shouting more, calling me names, telling me I'm lazy for being on maternity leave. Friends and family aren't welcome over while he's there. I'm alone.
    One day he hits me, then again, and again. He starts throwing things at me. Whenever he's angry, even if I've done nothing I can perceive as wrong, I know a punch is coming. He choked me in the kitchen, I woke up on the floor after who knows how long, he was gone. Little man was upstairs sleeping... when I asked him why and reminded him that he could have killed me he replied "no, I knew exactly how long to hold you for, I just wanted you to pass out." Ah that's OK then! The physical abuse became more regular, although the emotional abuse continued throughout. When I talked about leaving, he threatened to abduct our son and kill me so I couldn't fight him for custody.
    I know, if you're still reading, that you're wondering why I didn't leave him right then and there. Well I guess he was right about one of the names he called me; I'm an idiot. I loved him and he was the father of my son. I wanted to fix him.
    The last nail in the coffin for me was when I caught him asking for naked pictures from one of his co-workers at the store. Fugly girl, at least trade up, you scum. That confrontation left me with many bruises, a black eye, split lip, and a concussion. So I went to the docs and he helped me contact social services and the police.
    He was arrested, given a PIN (police information notice) saying he could not contact me or come to the house, and I was given a panic alarm, better security for the house and what will be a long association with social services. Thank you very much!
    He was arrested 2 weeks ago. He hasn't tried to contact me in at least a week. He broke in the first day after he was released and tried to steal our son's passport, but I called the police and they got him out, arrested him again, and found he was carrying a ton of weed. Now he has to go to court. Ha!
    So really my life should be on the up! However, all of this has left me clinically depressed, apparently with ptsd (not sure I agree with this, I'm no war vet), and a severe desire to sleep ALL THE TIME. Kinda hard with a toddler, but the desire to curl up and never wake up is there nonetheless. To be perfectly honest if it wasn't for my son I would have contemplated suicide. But that's not the way out and I'm stronger than that! I have to be for little man ❤

    So there's me trying to keep it short and I've totally rambled on... sorry...

    TL;DR: Had a bad bf, DV + baby = SS + police. Now living in Fort Knox and trying to rebuild my life by myself.

    I just want to know if I'll feel like this forever, or if I can recover and if I'll ever find someone else. I'm feeling pretty unlovable atm.

    Thanks for reading, Caregirl out! Xxx

  • Caregirl, I'm sure that you are perfectly lovable. Searching for a new SO that meets your requirements will take time. You obviously don't want another guy like you had before. Maybe you should give yourself a bit of down time before you try that. Some time without all of the drama. Hugs.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


    • Yes, I think after a trauma like this, it's best to take some time alone and heal. Maybe some counseling for yourself to aid in that process.

      Having the opportunity to focus wholly on your son, that's what you should consider, during the healing.

      Being single can be very motivating and advantageous. Enjoy it while you rebuild your self esteem and learn to love yourself again.

      You'll be fine. It takes time, but you will be ok.


      • Good for you care girl for taking a stand and leaving your abuser! That is something very difficult to do especially with emotional/verbal abuse. You are strong girl, you did it......you got away. Be proud of yourself and that you are going to be giving you and your son a good life. Free to be yourself, free to be who you want to be!


        • You are doing all the right things, and haven't done anything to ask for this, you are better off without him, so what if he's the sperm donor, no regrets, make him work with you if he ever wants to see his son, he obviously isn't a great example for him anyway. You will hear people tell you you'll be fine, it takes time, and you will and it does. Just trust me you're not the only person this happened to, just maybe not all at once or in the same sequence. It's real and it was never your fault.


          • Thanks for the replies guys, really appreciate it

            You're absolutely right as well, he's not a good influence to have around my little man anyway so, nothing of value was lost.

            It's nice to know that things should get better at some point, I'm looking forward to becoming my happy self again


            • You are much braver than you could ever imagine. I think seeing a counsellor will help you deal with those scars. You've been strong but the journey hasn't ended yet. Your little man is lucky to have you as his mum. Be the person who fights and be honest about your feelings and fears. I wish you all the best. It's a long, hard road but you'll get to your goal.


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