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  • Counseling

    It's been a couple years since I saw my counselor. Decided recently I will find a new one and make some visits and get some things rearranged in my mind.

    I recently realized how sad my life has become. I'm healthy, I'm taking care of business but really, I'm not happy with the direction my life is heading in other ways. I have had so much trouble rebuilding friendships after the divorce. I have a few friends left, and well, I need more than that.
    I work, and other than that, most days I have no other human interaction and that's just not healthy. The kids next door keep me Company but... I need adults.

    I stood outside talking to neighbors one day for an hour or more and I thought, omg I'm lonely. I was so excited to be in the company of ppl just chatting and gossiping about the other neighbors. Lol

    I have become stuck I think. I don't know how to get moving again.

    I also had a traumatic experience in February that I'm not quite ready to share, and I'm realizing I may be experiencing some ptsd signs, and I think some depression is creeping in.

    This isn't the time to be dating. I'm a mess. Lol! And I really have no desire to right now. And I know I'm hardly a magnet for new friendships with my current outlook.

    I chopped off my hair, I'm coloring it darker today and I'm moving on... Trying to inspire some change in the forces of the universe to come my way. Lol

  • Oh dear. I'm so sorry for whatever happened in February. Please know you can share with me anytime, even if it is privately. Sharing it (whether it be with me, us, or someone else in your life) may be what you need to keep the depression from slipping in. Sometimes acknowledgment and acceptance is the greatest healer.

    The haircut was SUCH a great sign. It's about letting go and moving forward!

    As working adults, it's so easy to fall into that mode you're describing. If it weren't for the gym and yoga, or talking on the phone to my mom or best friend (which is rare because I don't like talking on the phone!), I'd have very little human interaction during the week. I am getting more on the weekends because I'm in a relationship. Of course, that makes a difference. Otherwise, I'm an introvert and my close girlfriends are either married with kids and always busy, or don't live here. I truly only have about 3 girlfriends I even talk to on a regular basis. I'm happier with a few good ones. Letting too many people into my circle causes drama.

    Remember that you have been focusing on yourself, working on improving your health and strength (successfully, I might add!) and that is what you needed at the time. Maybe now that you've regained strength and are feeling healthier, you are ready for more! HOW to get more is always easier said than done, but I think just slowly starting to put yourself out there (strike up conversation with people in the gym, go to public parks and walk, have a picnic, etc, go out to dinner alone and sit at the bar to eat (great opportunity to strike up conversations, etc etc). I mean, I know you know all this stuff and it's like anything else in life, actually doing it is the hard part.

    "Be what you're looking for."


    • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
      I have a few friends left, and well, I need more than that.
      I work, and other than that, most days I have no other human interaction and that's just not healthy.
      Kitty, did you lose some friendships over the divorce? If so, sorry that happened!


      • I agree with amy40. Making small talk wherever you go will lift your spirits no end! People love saying hello and chatting. Once you're known you'll find everyone will know your name! Also, learning to feel good about yourself is important, which you obviously realize by now. A haircut was a positive move. Still, depression is real but build the people in your life and you'll find a better day.


        • I do talk to people. I'm generally very friendly and have no problem talking to ppl. For some reason things never seem to move beyond a sort of "acquainted with" type of relationship, as friends and as it turned out in dating too. That's true for so many things and so many people. For some reason people just have a hard time getting close to me I think.

          Yesterday as I was walking to the dressing room with an arm full, a gorgeous grey haired woman stepped out in this little white dress... I said, that is really nice on you. She said, thanks, do you think it's OK for a beach cover up? I said it's perfect for that actually. The dress wasn't meant as a cover up, but she totally made it work. Later she came out and complimented me, and we chatted a bit.

          This isn't uncommon. I guess I need something more meaningful than idle chatter at the grocery store or at work, or in a dressing room.

          I'm a person who enjoys her alone time, but I just have too much of it. I also need relationships and social time. I don't function well with too much of either, but right now I have very little social time.

          I did talk to a male friend about it a few times actually. He had some good ideas tho I'm not sure if he's right.

          BD, I have done the dinners alone, or a bar alone. Generally it is just not a good idea. Seems to send a negative message to the people around, no matter how chilled out I'm feeling. Typically I'm confident and don't mind people staring but that can get "hairy". I've done it many times actually. It looks desperate and lonely and it seems to repel people rather than attract. Not smth I do very often, but on occasion I do still go alone. If it's what I wanna do and nobody is free to join, I still just go. I went to a concert alone a few years ago. Lol.
          I'd wanted to see Lynyrd Skynyrd for years... And none of my friends like them, so I went by myself.

          I have concert tickets this summer too... And I hope I don't have to go alone again... Lol. If I do, I'm gonna stop buying 2 tickets with optimism and end up losing money when nobody can go.
          So pathetic!


          • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
            For some reason people just have a hard time getting close to me I think.
            I did talk to a male friend about it a few times actually.
            kitty, that's good you have a male friend

            why do you think people have a hard time getting to know you?
            you seem to care about people


            • Amy, my ex-husband got rid of our friends in the last year or 2 of our marriage. I didn't realize what he was doing, but he was pulling a junior high stunt, lying to me about them, and to them about me. It ultimately ended the longstanding friendship I'd had with about 5 close friends, and an additional 5-10 on the periphery of the tight knit group we were. He did it over a long period of time, systematically destroyed the trust and bond I'd had with them for over 10 yrs.

              I have tried to reach out, but the damage is done. My husband and I were trusted within the group, and people believed his word. The cuts ran deep on both sides.
              I ultimately said some awful things to them, and they to me. It was horrible.

              I believe my husband was trying to get me isolated from the people that knew me best and cared for me. He never really cared for the social life I had and said many times that if we never spent time with anyone he'd be fine with that. I just didn't see what was going on. I trusted my husband and I never would have believed that he would do it on purpose.

              Been really hard to rebuild a circle of friends. Those folks were good people and good friends that I relied on before I married him. The guys were my besties and the girls were my domestic buddies. Miss that terribly. It was a grievous loss.
              I still miss them very much.


              • Interesting. I had the opposite experience with dining alone. My first job out of college was in a city where I had no friends, no boyfriend, etc. I would often go down the road from my apartment to Rafferty's and have dinner at the bar. I didn't get all fancied up or anything, so I seemed to just fit in with the others who were there doing the same thing. It usually resulted in decent conversation. Are you sure the desperate and lonely thing isn't just your own perception of it? Maybe you FEEL that's the way it looks, even though it doesn't?

                You're brave for going to the concert alone!

                It seems like in my past, the best way I have met people is through other people. For example, if I have one good friend who invites me to outings, cookouts, etc, then I will meet other people while I'm there. Then I may or may not do things like get their number, add them on fb and start trying to invite them to things in hopes they'll return the favor. Maybe let your good friends know that you're wanting to meet new people and expand your circle and that if they have any social events, etc to consider inviting you? I've noticed sometimes the single person gets left out even on invitations to things like that because couples just assume a person flying solo won't want to join.
                "Be what you're looking for."


                • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
                  Been really hard to rebuild a circle of friends. Those folks were good people and good friends that I relied on before I married him. The guys were my besties and the girls were my domestic buddies. Miss that terribly. It was a grievous loss.
                  I still miss them very much.
                  that is really horrible what he did, sorry you lost your friends

                  I hope you get that job because it would be good to move away, start fresh, and be around new people who don't have a connection to any of your old friends


                  • BD idk if it's the culture around here or what. It didn't seem to be that I was self conscious about it...trying to talk to women or men just ended in them turning away, actually getting up and walking away or the drunk dude finally wanders over and tries to pick me up, then won't leave me alone and that whole thing is just a pain.

                    A few times there'd be decent discussion evolve, usually with a bartender instigated conversation, then it fizzles...
                    And these were neighborhood joints, and better restaurants. So, wide range of crowds.

                    Yep... My single girls are about as pathetic as me... I've discussed my bestie. She won't talk to anyone hardly, and it can be distracting and embarrassing for me. I met a woman in a bathroom last summer and she and her hubs came to our table for a drink... My friend never said a word and turned to watch something else going on... I ignored her and had fun with that couple and ended up meeting a guy I dated for a month or so...
                    I don't know. I have my feelers out but nothing ever sticks.

                    And yeah the married friends I have do couples things... Seldom is there a night they have a general socializing time... They do things with couples.

                    I'm not a shy girl. I tend to be quiet at times, but I really don't know a stranger, as they say.


                    • I see what you mean, atskitty2. Wanting more than small talk I can understand. Searching for something deeper is hard: I understand very well. But trust has to be built over time. I am sure you're a wonderful person and you will meet someone who wants to talk to you on a deeper level. I suppose your only option is to meet as many people throughout all areas of your life and build those bonds slowly. It will take time. I am not trying to be patronizing with my post, but that is what I think.


                      • I so understand this friendship thing atskitty2. I thought I did have friends when I was married but not one stepped up after the death of my husband. Very low period. Then I became close to another widow and it felt amazing to have someone to talk to. Things got strange and I couldn't take the pain she caused me so I ended the friendship. It hurt me, so much what this woman put me through.
                        I have been in and out of counseling for years now. Some good counselors some bad, but I have no problem going to them now. Once in awhile, I have a stressor that just knocks the living poop right out of me. Guess I need to plant deeper roots to get through this thing we call life. I have worked so much on myself and think I can handle anything and then bam something else hits me. I do have three ladies that I can open up to and they can with me but I still feel I need to keep my distance. Each of these ladies say I am their inspiration, if that is so why do I feel that void?
                        I also have been feeling very lonely for awhile. I thought it was the winter blues but it is still there. I feel better when I am with sane people and I can chat up just about anyone but eventually, I have to go home.
                        Good thread, to keep going.


                        • kitty
                          any news on the job?


                          • duplicate post


                            • kitty .....any news about job yet?
                              seems like it's been a while, but maybe they are sill interviewing?


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