Women’s Health Interactive Forums

  • If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Old member

Collapse
X
Collapse
  • Filter
  • Time
Clear All
new posts

  • Old member

    I haven't been on here for a long time. This forum helped me get my life together. Having reached a new low in my life, I'm back for more advice. I'm not sure if anyone here remembers my previous living arrangement, but my life changed when my husband and best friend cheated on me. Recently I have been corresponding with them, they are still friends and both have suggested resuming our previous life. I have regretted leaving them from the start but was too proud to admit it. Tonight I got an email from my x-husband saying he misses me and would like to see me and talk. I don't know what to do, my life since the break up has been a disaster, everything relationship I start ends up bad. Deep down there is nothing I would like more than getting back together with him and Kiyomi. Living with them was the only happy period of my life. I haven't been able to sleep since his email, but don't know how to answer him or what to do. I would be crying now but there is no more tears.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    Not thinking about anything is Zen. Once you know this, walking, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is Zen.
    ― Bodhidharma

  • Some details are here: https://www.womens-health.com/boards...eating-husband What is happening is one of the possibilities that I considered. I know that you were happy with your life when you were the one in the middle of the threesome. What is being offered? Maybe a trial run is in order. Kiyomi was supposedly trying to get pregnant. Did she?
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

    Comment


    • Hi Chaya, welcome back but sorry to hear of your problems. Are you still in Hawaii? What about your daughter? Would moving back in with your ex be the best thing or would you now be the 3rd person in this triangle? So many things that you would have to consider. Let us know what and how your thinking is so we can offer what support to you that we may.
      That which we forget may as well never really happened.

      Comment


      • chaya Hey friend! Something to remember:

        Just because one fire is hotter than the other, doesn't mean you should jump from one to the other. In this case, you have two fires. As you read about them, imagine them as pits of fire.

        1. The situation with your ex-husband and Kyomi who betrayed you. This was unhealthy for you, Otherwise, you wouldn't have left. This situation is very likely going to be very unhealthy for your child, too.

        2. The situation with your current life where you feel alone and find yourself in bad relationships, one after another. This is not healthy, either.

        Now, around these two fire pits is green grass....fresh air....you can breathe here. So, you are in the fire...where do you jump? You don't jump into ANOTHER pit of fire just to escape the one you're one. That would be silly, right? Instead, you look for the green grass and the fresh air.

        Isn't it time you find you? There is nothing more liberating than getting through the loneliness and finding yourself strong, independent, and totally happy on your own. That's when real, healthy love will blossom.

        "Be what you're looking for."

        Comment


        • Originally posted by jns View Post
          Some details are here: https://www.womens-health.com/boards...eating-husband What is happening is one of the possibilities that I considered. I know that you were happy with your life when you were the one in the middle of the threesome. What is being offered? Maybe a trial run is in order. Kiyomi was supposedly trying to get pregnant. Did she?
          I talked with my husband today, he said it was a one-time thing. He said he hasn't had sex with anyone since that night. I actually believe that; he was always so inhibited it was a year before he would have sex with the lights on. For the last year, I have that I overreacted and it was the shock of confronting them the caused me to. Later it was my foolish pride that stopped me from forgiving them.

          No Kiyomi didn't get pregnant, she finished school and is now working in the Navy Medical Center. She is out of town visiting her sister in Los Angles. I have her cell number but haven't called yet because I don't know what to say.
          [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
          Not thinking about anything is Zen. Once you know this, walking, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is Zen.
          ― Bodhidharma

          Comment


          • Originally posted by Claret View Post
            Hi Chaya, welcome back but sorry to hear of your problems. Are you still in Hawaii? What about your daughter? Would moving back in with your ex be the best thing or would you now be the 3rd person in this triangle? So many things that you would have to consider. Let us know what and how your thinking is so we can offer what support to you that we may.
            Yes, I am living with my mother and sister in Hawaii. My "daughter" who is actually my sister's daughter lives here with her mother. I can only dream that the three of us could go back to our previous arrangement. It's too early to suggest that, I just want to talk more to both of them and let them know I forgive them and I overreacted than night.
            [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
            Not thinking about anything is Zen. Once you know this, walking, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is Zen.
            ― Bodhidharma

            Comment


            • Originally posted by Ashlee T. View Post
              chaya Hey friend! Something to remember:

              Just because one fire is hotter than the other, doesn't mean you should jump from one to the other. In this case, you have two fires. As you read about them, imagine them as pits of fire.

              1. The situation with your ex-husband and Kyomi who betrayed you. This was unhealthy for you, Otherwise, you wouldn't have left. This situation is very likely going to be very unhealthy for your child, too.

              2. The situation with your current life where you feel alone and find yourself in bad relationships, one after another. This is not healthy, either.

              Now, around these two fire pits is green grass....fresh air....you can breathe here. So, you are in the fire...where do you jump? You don't jump into ANOTHER pit of fire just to escape the one you're one. That would be silly, right? Instead, you look for the green grass and the fresh air.

              Isn't it time you find you? There is nothing more liberating than getting through the loneliness and finding yourself strong, independent, and totally happy on your own. That's when real, healthy love will blossom.
              I considered it a betrayal that night but after thinking it over for a long time, I feel it was something that just happened. Kiyomi and hubby were good friends, The three of us always joked around and close. Part of my desire to get back together is because I am so unhappy with my present life. Is that so wrong?
              [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
              Not thinking about anything is Zen. Once you know this, walking, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is Zen.
              ― Bodhidharma

              Comment


              • I think you have to trust what your heart is telling you: not what you "should" do. Do what will make YOU happy. Sometimes we all have to forgive and forget. We all make mistakes. If you still love your ex-husband, be honest with yourself. Also be honest with him. Maybe you're the lucky soon-to-be-again-couple that suffered a break-up but re-ignited the love after realizing you both have feelings that will never leave. I can't read your mind or decide for you, but YOU know yourself best. What will make you happy, if you had your way, without all the difficulties you've faced?

                Be honest with yourself and follow your heart.

                Comment


                • Originally posted by chaya View Post

                  I considered it a betrayal that night but after thinking it over for a long time, I feel it was something that just happened. Kiyomi and hubby were good friends, The three of us always joked around and close. Part of my desire to get back together is because I am so unhappy with my present life. Is that so wrong?
                  It really isn't a matter of being "wrong" or facing any sort of judgement. It is just a matter of doing what is best for you and your daughter. If you are unhappy with your current situation, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to change it. It is just important to be sure you take the time and self-reflection to change it to something worth it.
                  "Be what you're looking for."

                  Comment


                  • welcome back chaya

                    it must have taken time to divorce from your husband
                    so there was time to change your mind, forgive, and stop the divorce but you didn't
                    don't second guess yourself

                    we can't go back in time
                    focus on yourself and child for a while
                    children grow so quickly; this is a chance to be totally there for your child as well as yourself

                    Comment


                    • I agree with Ashlee T.

                      Comment


                      • Out of curiosity, what is making you so miserable about your current situation?
                        What is it that you're really unhappy about, deep down inside?

                        Comment


                        • I've talked with my ex and Kiyomi, he wants to get back together, Kiyomi is not sure about it. I'm bisexual and doubt I could ever be happy without having it both ways. That's why the 2 relationships I've tried since the divorce have failed. I can't imagine ever finding an arrangement that will make me happy unless it's with them. With them I was satisfied without cheating on anyone; I don't expect anyone to understand this.

                          Those of you that are concerned about "my daughter", probably don't know that she is not my daughter, she is my young sister's daughter. When she was born my parents, (my father was a doctor, mother a nurse) wanted to put the baby up for adoption because my sister suffers from manic depression. Since I can't have children, I took the baby with the intent of raising her as my own. Since my divorce and return home and my sister is much improved she has almost fully taken over as her real mother and I'm just her aunt.
                          [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
                          Not thinking about anything is Zen. Once you know this, walking, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is Zen.
                          ― Bodhidharma

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by chaya View Post
                            I've talked with my ex and Kiyomi, he wants to get back together, Kiyomi is not sure about it. I'm bisexual and doubt I could ever be happy without having it both ways. That's why the 2 relationships I've tried since the divorce have failed. I can't imagine ever finding an arrangement that will make me happy unless it's with them. With them I was satisfied without cheating on anyone; I don't expect anyone to understand this.

                            Those of you that are concerned about "my daughter", probably don't know that she is not my daughter, she is my young sister's daughter. When she was born my parents, (my father was a doctor, mother a nurse) wanted to put the baby up for adoption because my sister suffers from manic depression. Since I can't have children, I took the baby with the intent of raising her as my own. Since my divorce and return home and my sister is much improved she has almost fully taken over as her real mother and I'm just her aunt.
                            Kiyomi being not sure tells me that she is almost certain that she doesn't want to continue with the previous arrangement. It will be hard finding someone to fill her role in the relationship. I wouldn't know where to even look. That being the case, I would follow up with the slim possibility with Kiyomi.
                            I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                            ...
                            Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                            From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                            Comment


                            • If that's genuinely the lifestyle you want, then honestly, it's not that difficult to find those arrangements in the US. They are more and more common, and people are getting more and more open about it. It sounds like you've made up your mind, really, so I wish you the best in rebuilding something with your husband. He's shown that he's open to this type of arrangement, so, if Kiyomi decides she's no longer interested, you can find another woman to join, right?

                              I think if I were you, I'd try to find a whole new couple to suit your needs, so be very careful, and lay down some guidelines of expectations if you get back into this relationship-or any relationship you get into.
                              Also, you may consider, if you haven't already, to accept that the man and other woman will be involved from the start.

                              Best of luck, Chaya!

                              Comment

                              Womens Health orange logoGet The Newsletter

                              Receive our passionately crafted, medically reviewed articles and insights — the stuff nobody else talks about but you want to know — delivered right to your inbox.

                              Latest Posts in Our Forums

                              Collapse

                              Latest Topics in Our Forums

                              Collapse

                              Working...
                              X