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Someone please tell me that it's gonna be okay!!

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  • Someone please tell me that it's gonna be okay!!

    Hi everyone!

    So I am 22 years old and I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 months now. He is my first boyfriend, my first love, and a month ago, I lost my virginity to him. Everything is going really well right now in our relationship.

    There is just one problem that's been bothering me. Since even before we started dating, I wanted to have sex with him. Prepare for TMI: I would fantasize about it all the time. I was for sure that I wanted to have sex with him, there was no doubt in my mind. But whenever we were alone together and the opportunity to have sex would present itself, I would get really nervous. He couldn't even get a finger inside me. Whenever he tried to penetrate me, it felt like I was going to die lol. I started to research and found out about vaginismus. I was really hoping that I didn't have it.

    Little by little I started loosening up. We started doing other forms of sex besides PIV. However, I never was able to have an orgasm, partly because I believe that a part of me was still nervous around him.

    Finally last month, he was able to penetrate me. It hurt at first trying to get it in, but after a while it started to feel okay. I thought, "okay it's my first time, it's normal to feel pain. When we had sex the second time, it hurt almost as much as the first!! I was getting concerned...

    The third time was probably the worst. He was using a different type of condom than what he used the other times. The combination of the new condom and my tightness made it really uncomfortable for me.

    Finally today I went to the gynecologist to talk about it. It was my first time ever going to a gynecologist. It wasn't that great of an experience. I left there feeling so sad. I got my first pap and it hurt so much. She kept telling me to relax. Luckily I made it through without balling my eyes out lol. I told her what was happening with me and my boyfriend and she mentioned vaginismus. She basically told me to keep trying with my boyfriend and that I should loosen up with time. She said that if that didn't work, I should consider "behavioral therapy."

    I left there feeling so sad because I feel like I'm not normal. Other girls can relax during sex and enjoy themselves, why can't I? I'm really frustrated! I have no one to talk to about this.

    I want to talk to my mom about it, but she doesn't know I've been having sex. I've been keeping it from my parents because they basically said if they find out that I'm having sex, they're going to kick me out of the house, because "sex is only for married couples" and if I'm gonna have sex, I should move in with my boyfriend. My parents obviously don't support me, so I can't go to them.

    I've been crying since I got home today from the gyno. I'm trying to come to terms with having vaginismus, but it's making so upset. The reason why I'm posting on this website is because hopefully there's someone out there who has been through what I'm going through right now. I need someone to tell me that I'm not weird, that it doesn't make me any less of a woman, because that's honestly how I feel right now. I want to have sex like a normal person, I don't know what's holding me back. Please, anyone who is reading this, please tell me it's going to get better. My boyfriend has been really supportive through this, he's the only person I can talk to. Thank God I have him supporting me.

    A little bit more about my background: I am Catholic and so is my family. I do not have any history of sexual abuse (not that I can remember at least). I used to have really bad self-esteem issues in high school, but I feel that now I am more confident than I have ever been. I am in college. I do masturbate and I am able to have an orgasm by myself but not with my boyfriend unfortunately. When I try to finger myself, it hurts. I don't know what my problem is!! It's crazy because I feel like I'm horny and think about sex a lot more often than not, so why is it when I do it I get so tense!

    I know this post is long, but if anybody has any advice or words of encouragement, I would greatly appreciate it. I just want to be a normal girl lol.

    Thank you all! God bless.

  • Oh dear. I wish I had more time to comment now. I'll check back later. I wanted to at least give you a quick line of encouragement, that it will get better. And a hug.
    Hang in there. It takes time. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Your body and your mind just need more time to adjust to the act of intercourse.


    • Welcome to WH! From what we hear about and see it seems that having sex is so easy. Sometimes it is not. I concur with Kitty's encouragement. Take things slow and learn as much about your body as you can. Have you been using store bought lubricant? It sounds like that there is a lubrication problem.
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


      • Thank you both!!

        I’ll take your advice for sure. Thanks so much I really appreciate it


        • Being tense will make it more difficult for him to penetrate you and therefore, cause you discomfort.
          Just try to relax and go with the flow and it will get easier, use a little lub if it helps.


          • Yeah. You are not weird.
            I can understand what you are going through and i know its not easy. Giving you more strength to deal with it.


            • Thank you all for your advice and support!


              • Thank you all for your advice and support!


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