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No sex drive

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  • I find it probably no simple coincidence that your lack of a drive for sex ended around the same time your hopes for a baby did. It seems your drive dropped off right around the time your significant other made it clear he wasn't interested in having one. Perhaps you are harboring some resentment and it has manifested itself in your sexual drive, or lack of it.

    Have you come to terms with the prospects of moving forward in your relationship without kids? That might be the first thing that needs to happen. It sounds like you had to make a choice that went against your hearts desire to keep the man you love and somewhere your wants and needs got lost in the shuffle.

    When depressed you are likely to not feel 'sexy'... you may be down about your appearance, youth, etc and if you are not feeling good about yourself in general its hard to find yourself craving for sex. I think feeling sexy and desiring sex go hand in hand.

    You might want to get involved in some activities that boost your mood, be it exercise or charity work... something that makes you feel good about yourself.

    Depression meds can lower sex drive, but depression itself lowers sex drive so its really a case of chosing the lesser evil... the one that helps you have a functional life. Perhaps your doctor can work with you on trying alternative medicines some have the sex effect and some don't with different ones responding differently in different people.

    The counseling is a great step forward, you have feelings to deal with. I hope your partner is being supportive of what you are going through.

    I think once you get your depression under control... your sex drive will start improving, sex is so much more mental that physical and if your head isn't in the right place, your body isn't likely to follow.

    You also might want to try inniciating sexual experiences with your partner even if you aren't organically driven to do so, using lube to facilitate the experience etc... maybe doing sexual things will remind your body of the pleasure you are able to feel.
    Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.


    • Lack of sex drive

      Hi thanks for you help. I do get down and depressed, sometimes I may be and not be aware of it! if you know what I mean. I am on a waiting list to see a counsellor. I went to see the Doc yesterday and he said my blood test all ok. I do know like you said feel that I had to sacrifice my needs for my partner, there may be resentment but its not at the surface. I told the doc that when I get stressed i feel more tired, he said that happens, so I do need to work on something to help stress, like you said if I felt better in myself the who knows! also maby i expect alot, i'm not going to get the DESIRES of my twenties!!!!!!!


      • Hi it has taken me ages to find the replys to my thread!!!!!

        Thanks for your reply, reading what you put I still feel emotion inside, I guess I am still sad at my loss or my relationship, I don't think it is close or initmate or affectionate as it should be. I cannot have children now myself as I had an op to treat my heavy periods which have made my life . I have been to see a counsellor.


        • Thanks, you are right my sex drive did go then because I had been rejected. I have had an op to stop my periods been heavy, so i cannot have children now. he never really told me why he had the snip, so i was so angry.


          • thanks understand re answers! found out hormones ok.


            • how do i do things for me, to make it come back? I do try. do you mean work on my confidence? thnaks


              • Vonny, did the blood test check your hormone levels? Truth is that at 44 your levels may fluctuate ever so slightly and still be within normal ranges, but are far from normal. Some things you may not think of as symptoms of someone entering peri-menopause are actually pretty good indicators. Low libido is one of them although not really talked about much.

                If everything else is fine physically then look at those things that are at issue now, particularily the baby issue and his vasectomy and him not telling you why. Get those resolved and resigned to the fact that children aren't going to be part of this relationship as neither of you are physically capable and he's unwilling to adopt.

                After that, start looking and reading things that are sexually intriguing and stimulating. This may get your brain back into sexual feelings. Maybe even changing the way you dress to be somewhat more provacative and stimulating could also jump start those feelings as well as gain some confidence that you still are a sexually attractive.


                • Hi My hormone levels were ok. Like you said i may have pre-meno symptoms and not know it sometimes. I really miss the urges of desire i had when i was younger. it is hard feeling older and creeps up fast. i am on a waiting list for counselling now and hope that will help my confidence. I really do feel un attractive, today proved it, I saw my reflection in a shop window and also while in the changing rooms in a shop. I don't look like me anymore! if there is a psychological symptom of the meno then this must be it!!!!! in my head!!!! I will have to just try and thats all I can do.


                  • I know my wife and I have been having the same fight over this for the last couple of years. She's 47 and pretty much lost her libido about 3 years ago. That was one of the main reasons I came to this forum (and now they can't get rid of me) to try to learn and talk about things we can do both as a man whose loved one is going through this and maybe even try to learn things that I can relay to her about what other women have done to cope with this.

                    She keeps telling me that I don't understand what's she going through and yes, I don't know what the different emotions and physical changes feel like. What I'd like to say to you and I've been saying to her is that even though I may not feel these things, I'm not unsympathetic. I can see and read things that maybe I can relate to you that may help. Having the support of the one you love is just as important.

                    Finally, please don't let what happened to her happen to you. She's not being very proactive and has let this overtake her. I honestly don't believe that that has to be the way that women treat and live with this.


                    • Originally posted by Vonny View Post
                      I am married,4 years this year. When I was 35 i was in another relationship, I thought I wanted a baby, my partner was definately not happy,I was upset,unsure if i wanted a child,angry at his response,we split up. I met someone else,seemed really nice, then when I said I wanted a baby he went and got the snip and wouldnt talk to me. I was very very upset and felt like my last chance had been taken away! I was close to leaving and i had to ask myself did i wnat to be with my partner if we didnt have children and i felt i did. It has been a hard emotional time, i have had counselling. I do think i must get depressed, but the thing is i dont know half the time if i am. I am not on any tablets. i try and make the most of the situation. i do feelthat it is physical though that i do not have feelings of wanting sex or feel asoused at all. I am on holiday as from tomorrow, but will be greaful of any help sent to me when i return.thanks
                      Sweetheart, READ this, you wanted a child and had not one but two men reject this with you. The last one actually got a vasectomy to make sure it didn't happen. Instead of saying good bye and finding someone who wanted what you wanted, you stayed.

                      You wanted a child and his response was to get a vasectomy and you are wondering why you have no libido - no joy in the relationship? You have to own your role, you stayed when you could have walked. My guess is that in trying to suppress your wish for a child and in dealing with the level of pain his actions caused you, you have also suppressed your sexual desires. The only way you can straighten thsi out is my taking the bull by the horns and confronting the source of the pain and then deciding to let it go. The level of betrayal you must feel toward your husband has to be huge. Can you forgive and let go? Enough to feel desire for him? It doesn't sound like it.

                      I'd venture a guess that if you let your Real feelings about this out and you'd probably end up walking out, you'd find your sexual desire returning after you got through some mourning time.


                      • Thank you for your reply, after reading this I do realise I must have suppressed my pain, maby I just had to because he would'nt talk. My desires may have been suppressed too, after what you said i realise I was hurting so much they just went. I do often feel that my husband makes little effort to bring me joy, or should I just feel joy! it is not there. I feel like a large part of my life is missing not having a child, I have missed an important part of my life which changes lives, not being a mum or ever a grandma. I realise how sad I am writing this but know now that I do not know what to do. I do know that I will never have children because of the op I had, but know I have to get a life, we dont hardly kiss, or anything else much, I do not know how to let my feelings go so I feel desire again.


                        • How do I forgive my husband, I thought i had so I can feel desire again? I feel that he has no desire for me! Thanks


                          • Originally posted by Vonny View Post
                            How do I forgive my husband, I thought i had so I can feel desire again? I feel that he has no desire for me! Thanks
                            How do I forgive him? I thought I had, I want to have a sex drive. I feel my husband doesnt desire me like he should and he hardly gives me affection, or makes me feel sepcial.


                            • Originally posted by Vonny View Post
                              How do I forgive him?
                              This is unfortunately a question only you can answer. From what's been said in the thread, the issue of him going behind your back to have a vasectomy when he knew you wanted children is a tough pill to swallow, imo. I can't really imagine how you felt with that news.

                              I thought I had, I want to have a sex drive. I feel my husband doesnt desire me like he should and he hardly gives me affection, or makes me feel sepcial.
                              There is a great truth in that sex drive and emotions do go hand in hand in many instances, especially when it involves someone you love. You mention that you don't feel he desires you like he should and hardly gives affection. I'll take it that at a point in your relationship he did just as you've mentioned that there was a point in time where your sex drive was active and the two of you enjoyed a good sex life prior the the events that ultimately resulted in knowing that at this stage, neither of you are physically capable of having children. I think you've mentioned (or someone suggested) that there may be a direct correlation between the two. I happen to agree that there is (or was depending on your viewpoint) a connection. If you've moved past the fact that children are no longer possible (sans adoption) then he needs to understand that and that the marriage and your relationship will survive and flourish despite this. He may still feel some guilt over his snip. He may now feel not as close and affectionate towards you because of this. He may still feel that even if he is loving and affectionate that he still will be rejected from intimacy and making love.

                              I guess the long and short (the above being the long) is that maybe he needs to feel that the affection and imtimacy are just as important to you as it is to him. It's also just a little more than you just saying it.


                              • Forgiving is not about forgetting and it doesn't make something that isn't OK, OK. It's about you being able to let go of it. John Grey, author of the Mars and Venus books has a good section on using a letter writting technique to help in this process. You might find reading that really helpful - there is lot of other good info in his books as well.
                                You start writing essentially a letter to vent. What has happened, how you feel, what you've gone through because if it - get it out of your system and it helps you clarify your feelings and thoughts. Then you wrtie what you would like to hear from the other person. What you help you heal? Feel better? More positive?
                                Then you can write your forgiveness. I have found this very helpful.

                                Grey also offers some good insight to help women and men communicate better and reduce the defensiveness that can get in the way.

                                You need to communicate. Let your husband know what you feel and what you need. Also let him know that you have been deeply hurt but that you made a choice because dispite what he did to prevent the tow of you from having a child you decided your life would be better with him in it. He probably sensed your pain and hurt for a long time and this may be affecting his desire. He needs to know that love and desire him and need for him to help you feel lovable and desirable.


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