Please Help - at wits end!

[aussie-g]

Hi,

My name's Dave, I'm alomst 50 and I'm at my wits end.

I'd like to think I'm supportive to my partner who for the last 4 - 5 years (she's now almost 54) has menopause. Over this time our relationship has deterated to a point now where every day is a living nightmare.

She did try hormone replacement therapy and that helped. However, whether it was a case of self destructive behaviour or something else, but she had an argument with her Gyno's secretary and refused to go back.

Hence here script ran out and she's not been taking medication since. It's been 11 months now or there abouts.

Since this time things have got worse - actually a lot worse than they were before the she took the medication. To the point where I seroiusly can't take much more - I'm losing my sanity and am starting to feel victimised.

I've made a list of the following symptoms which are evident right now:

Night Sweats - these have been ongoing for a number of years.
Mood Swings - lately she is perminately angry with me.
Low Tollence Levels - even the smallest things can trigger her to lose the plot.
Loss of Concerntration - forgets things, become disorentated.
Depression - speaks of wanting to her drive car into a tree.
Zero Labido - forget about sex, we don't even kiss anymore.
Super Critical - picks on anything and everything - to the point of picking up other people's mistakes - can't even drive to the shops without her commenting on another driver doing this, that or the other.
Unaproachable - Feel like I'm perminantly walking on egg shells.
Loss of Interest - Just doesn't seem concerned about interests she once had.

Most of my waking hours are spent in my home office because frankly it's a good way to avoid any sort of confrontation. If I'm else where in the home it's likely I'll say (in her mind) the wrong thing or look the wrong way (I'm sure you gfet what I mean). That just gets her even more angry - she becomes really hurtful and nasty to the point where I get angry too. So I figure it's better I just stay in my office.

I've tried talking to her but all I get is things thrown back in my face. So I give that one a miss these days. I've tried writing her letters so she can read at her own pace. That seems to work and she promises to get help but nothing eventuates, it all goes back to the same old same old a few days later.

When I prompt her about what she's going to to do I get a backlash of anger so I just shut up and retreat back to my office. What hurts the most is the vast difference in her personality, mood et al.

Before the menopause hit she was a happy, friendly person. She really cared about herself, about me and showed empathy for others around her. We used to talk heaps and share our life together.

But now it's the complete opposite. The only thing she seems to enjoy are crossword puzzles - to the point of them being an obsession. However IMHO better she be doing these than going nuts at me, our puppy or any other number of issues that seem to be the brought out by this menopause on steriods.

I honestly don't know what else to do. I still love my SO very much but I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. When things eventually get too much for her and she starts crying - which happens a lot lately too, she tells me she's sorry for being nasty and what not, she tells me she still loves me et al. However that can all change in a click of a finger.

It's really starting to affect and take a toll on my sanity.

I'd sure appreciate some advice, thanks!


Cheers



Dave

[WildChild]

Wow, sounds absolutely miserable. I'm perimenopausal and can assure you that not all women have this kind of experience, it sounds like something is very wrong. The transistion into menpause can last up to 10 years, it sounds like you're well into that. You may have to really put your foot down on this and insist that she see a doctor. If she won't go back to the old one, I'm sure there are plenty more- Australia is a big country. She needs to have a complete hormone work up, it isn't just a matter of estrogen but rather the balance between several hormones. It might help if you can educate yourself on this. I really think that the best book I can recommend is, The Wisdom Of Menopause, by Dr. Christiane Northrup. She is a medical doctor who takes a very informative and positve approach, You might also check out her web site.

Her book explains a great deal about the various hormones, what goes on in a woman's body and brain during this change and why conventional HTR isn't always effective. A woman's brain esssentially rewires during this time, for some women this is a time of great growth and development while some, like your partner, are miserable. It sounds like her hormones are seriously out of wack. While she may not be able to control herself , she certainly can get help and you may have to simply not take no for answer on this. She does not have a right to abuse you any more than you have a right to abuse her. Sit her down and firmly but lovingly tell her that she MUST get help or you will be leaving.

Have other women in her family had this much trouble?
Did she have PMS before?

[aussie-g]

(edited previous poster's reply)

Maybe my nerves are a bit fried BUT your post come across as attacking me.
If I didn't care or understand I wouldn't be here asking for help, assistance and suggestions.

I'm not the enemy here.


Cheers

Dave

[pretzel]

Maybe my nerves are a bit fried BUT your post come across as attacking me.
If I didn't care or understand I wouldn't be here asking for help, assistance and suggestions.

I'm not the enemy here.


Cheers

Dave

Dave,

I'm a guy also and my story is exactly like yours and I wrote it over a year ago and trust me you won't be attacked (mods are great at controlling it) and believe me when I say it, there will responses (and you can do a search for similar topics also) that will really help in dealing with this.

Also, it never hurts to stay and talk here. And I've been here for a good while.

[aussie-g]

Thanks Pretzel, nice to know I'm not the only guy going through this or the only one who cares about it enough to try and help my SO.


Cheers

Dave

[aussie-g]

Thanks WildChild for your understanding and informative approach. I suppose I'm some what to blame for not putting my foot down, or at least demanding my SO get this sorted before it reached this level. But must always move forward and not look behind - can't change the past only the future, hey!

Have other women in her family had this much trouble?
Did she have PMS before?

My SO and her mother, actually her entire family don't have a close relationship.
At 18 she was told if you don't like our rules move out, so she did.

She also just found out her mother passed away in Sept 2010. No one from here family told her.
My partners daughter found the bad news by chance. Hence she's feeling even more depressed lately. Which is total understandable.

I get the feeling her mother did experience some similar menopause issues. My SO lets little things slip out now and again - tend to get a peice here and peice there and eventually the puzzle takes shape. However to what extent her mother's menopause affected her, I really don't know.

Of all of this puzzle I know her mother used to send my SO and her sister to stay with their aunty a lot.

I also believe some underlaying depression may also be fueling and agrovating these menopause side affects. Back in 2001 - 2002 when she was on the brink of leaving here husband, she was going through bouts of depression. I understand she'd been prescribed medication. I believe she took these for a good 12 months or more.

We meet in June 2005 and she wasn't on any meds then.

As far as PMS goes, a bit narky sometimes but not anywhere in the ball park compared to what has transpired since menopause hit.

If I had to sum it up in one explaination, my SO has turned into the complete opposite of what she once was. That being friendly, loving, compassionate, caring, understanding - we used to be best of friends who could and would share anything and everything together.

I miss that a lot.



Cheers

Dave

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sorry about that previous post, often posters don't "read" they "read into things" relating to themselves, or women in general.

It's evident if you read your original post you care deeply for your wife and this particular situation.

Depression, does not motivate you to want to do anything, about anything...It brings you down sometimes so far, that you can't get up... And, if you have an injury or an illness, it will manifest 10 fold..

Last year before I met my fiance I went off the pill...As a result I missed a couple of periods it was the "love" that allowed me to not go over the edge, I experienced a few of those symptoms, here I am again 1 year later and onto 3rd month missed again

I am going with the flow, yes, hot flashes, give you sleepless nights, so you get moody, if I snap at all, and it's rare, I get a hug and a comment that makes me laugh...If I snap at my step-daughter, I apologise and blame it on sleep, and make her laugh...

But, I'm not depressed...

I know that a few deep breathes, a glass of water, a walk around the block, helps me and I jump it..But, I have the will power to ensure that if I have to go through this, and this is a sign of what will come, I'll do it without affecting as much as possible, my SO...

It sounds as if your wife has gone through a hard childhood without love...It sounds as if she choose you because you have love to give, what she craves for, hense her appologies..She knows it, but she can't control it, because she's not motivated to...She's too depressed.

Her Mother may not have been there for her, passed her over to others, but then her family threw her something as well, the denial of allowing her to grieve, we still love our Mother's regardless of what they do....I left at 16...That hurts, there's no closure...

Has she visited her Mother's grave? If not, I would be suggesting that she writes a card, letter, and take her there, let her spend some time, talking to her...leaving the letter / card there, or burning it and throwing it to the wind, after she is there, for closure...I believe they can hear us...

Why was she depressed, when with her ex? Medications are not always the solution, rather getting out what it is that is hurting you, bothering you and understanding it, that it was not your fault and we can't change people, they are who they are...

Somehow you need to get her to talk again, instead of shutting out the World...

I believe it's the depression that is escalating and making this worse, and whilst your walking on egg shells, there are no discussions, rather pushing in a nice way for her to take medication... When really she needs closure on the issues that are hurting her, to even be able to want to take medication, or want to be happy...

Hard....

CW

[aussie-g]

To explain why it's becoming very hard for me to cope, I was diagnosed with a bi-polar but that turned out to be a misdiagnosis. What I had and have been suffering in silience for many years was post trumatic stress.

Things are a lot better these days for me but I still have to watch for triggers. What we're going through now isn't helping.

But I'm generally a strong person - I've had to be. It's been me, myself and I since 87`when my father passed away. I too don't have a relationship with my mother, sister or any extended family.

In essence you could say it's been my SO and me against the world...lol


Cheers

Dave

[Claret]

I'm guessing it was my post that was edited out - if it came across as attacking you I sincerely apologize as that really was not the case. I merely wanted to point out that she is no more in control of her emotions and her mood swings than you are. She needs medical assistance and/or other alternative methods to control the wildly swing hormonal changes going through her. They affect not only her physical well-being but also play a part in emotions.

I urge you to help her to contact a physician and/or to find alternative assistance (i.e. herbal medicines etc.) to help her get through these times.

I wish you luck.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

To explain why it's becoming very hard for me to cope, I was diagnosed with a bi-polar but that turned out to be a misdiagnosis. What I had and have been suffering in silience for many years was post trumatic stress.

Things are a lot better these days for me but I still have to watch for triggers. What we're going through now isn't helping.

But I'm generally a strong person - I've had to be. It's been me, myself and I since 87`when my father passed away. I too don't have a relationship with my mother, sister or any extended family.

In essence you could say it's been my SO and me against the world...lol


Cheers

Dave

Like attracts like, an understanding....

It is what will help us through our lives together, that understanding...But, you need her strength, she needs your strength maybe you both need to find a solution to take away all of this together, both of you...

Can you take time out and both get on a plane for a week?

CW

[aussie-g]

Sorry about that previous post, often posters don't "read" they "read into things" relating to themselves, or women in general. It's evident if you read your original post you care deeply for your wife and this particular situation.

I sensed that may have been the case. I was in two minds whether to let it slide or just add a comment - I chose the later. Not to upset anyone but sometimes for whatever reason sexes get pigeon holed, which to me is a shame because generally there is more to everyone than what a quick glance reveals.

It sounds as if your wife has gone through a hard childhood without love...It sounds as if she choose you because you have love to give, what she craves for, hense her appologies..She knows it, but she can't control it, because she's not motivated to...She's too depressed.

Her Mother may not have been there for her, passed her over to others, but then her family threw her something as well, the denial of allowing her to grieve, we still love our Mother's regardless of what they do....I left at 16...That hurts, there's no closure...

Has she visited her Mother's grave? If not, I would be suggesting that she writes a card, letter, and take her there, let her spend some time, talking to her...leaving the letter / card there, or burning it and throwing it to the wind, after she is there, for closure...I believe they can hear us...

Your spot on there wasn't much love in her family. I too went through the same situation. So in that regard we both were drawn to each other, I guess.

Why was she depressed, when with her ex? Medications are not always the solution, rather getting out what it is that is hurting you, bothering you and understanding it, that it was not your fault and we can't change people, they are who they are...

He ex husband was a marine engineer. From the time they meet he was away on ships. Three months away, Three months home. That gig went on all through their marriage. My SO begged him to get a land based job many times but he wouldn't.

IMHO there is still a lot of unresolved issues connected with her leaving her ex. He's very bitter - even to this day. He was and still is upset and angry, to the point now where he's poluted her son's mind with his anger - he's basically turned him against my partner. Beleive me it's not a pretty sight.

Like her son, her daughter was also still living at home when she left the marriage. As you can understand there was a lot of anguish, hurt and anger floating around that time. However you'd think the ex now basically the only parent would have got a land job - nope he continued to go away on ships. He'd get his mother to look after the teenagers when he was away.

So more mental stress and a lot of outside influences which again IMHO have taken their toll on my partners well being. With the menopause hitting, it's hit hard, maybe due to all the other issues which have been festering inside her.

Somehow you need to get her to talk again, instead of shutting out the World...

I believe it's the depression that is escalating and making this worse, and whilst your walking on egg shells, there are no discussions, rather pushing in a nice way for her to take medication... When really she needs closure on the issues that are hurting her

Honestly I think that's the key here, unresolved issues being allowed to stack up on each other. Maybe an out of mind out of sight methology at play here. Just guessing here but possibly following learned behaviour from here childhood in how to deal with problems.

I've suggested we seek some therapy together. My SO is all for it until I try to arrange a meeting, then it's...I can't do this day , I can't do that...etc...etc. To the point where nothing gets done and back to square one again.

It's almost like as bad as she's feeling right now, she also feels kinda safe right now too. Maybe the fear of the unknown keeps her in this state of being - too scared to move forward and tackle these issues yet on the same token scared and frightned of being where she is right now.

And yes your right, it is Hard!


Cheers

Dave

[aussie-g]

Oh and if all that wasn't enough to send someone to the nut house (joke), we're in the process of buying a home. Which turned into a disaster - fortunately my solicitor got us out of that one. But not without a lot of stress and frankly uneeded BS.

As a result of that mess the previous real estate agent got us into a temp rental. Had to move vacate our Adelaide home as other people were moving in. So now we're not purchasing the original property the real estate agent tried to play dirty pool and issued a 21 day leave notice. Totally against the law. So more hassles with phone calls and getting that mess sorted.

I think we've achieved that but now we have to arrange moving and settlement on the new place is still rather up in the air. We need firm dates and can't get them.

All in all it's been a tough, rough and totally mind boggerling start to 2011.


Cheers

Dave

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well Dave, you do need a laugh...

So to top all of that off, I own a Real Estate Company, I used to own a Franchise, Professionals Glenelg, however, decided there were too many "car salesmen" in the Industry, wasting my time in training, only to drag me down So you ever need advise on Real Estate in Adelaide, lol's I'm the man.....

CW

[Guest]

aussie-g (Dave),

I can't offer a bit of advice as it pertains to your partner's circumstances and your situation.

The only thing I can tell you, and it's a bit late at this point, is to allow these ladies to help you (as you already are).

There are many helpful and wonderful people in here, most of them female and a few with 12,000+ posts. Their patience is amazing and thier real world knowledge incredible.

The ONLY thing I can offer you my friend is prayer. I will pray for you and your partner for pateince, strength, wisdom and understanding to get through this together.

Your experiences are bound to help others, so thanks for sharing.

[aussie-g]

Well Dave, you do need a laugh...

So to top all of that off, I own a Real Estate Company, I used to own a Franchise, Professionals Glenelg, however, decided there were too many "car salesmen" in the Industry, wasting my time in training, only to drag me down So you ever need advise on Real Estate in Adelaide, lol's I'm the man.....

Yep your right, way too many cowboys/girls in the real estate game these days. Integrity, ethics and personal honour seems to have been traded in for a quick buck with a lot of agents, even principles of agencies don't give a toss - say and do anything to get a sale. Ironically just bought a new car (a few weeks back)...Got far better honesty/service from the car yard than most agents we've dealt with. I kid you not.

But thanks for the info, I'll keep you in mind if I need to pick someone's brain ;-)



Cheers

Dave