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Dealing with an abused spouse

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  • Dealing with an abused spouse

    My partner has recently been remembering being sexually abused as a child. He has begun therapy and seems to be dealing with the situation head on. But I am at a loss as to how to talk to him about it. I don't know if I should ask him about things, or if I should just let him tell me on his own time. He is also a recovering alcoholic (which makes a lot more sense now).

    What I really would like is some recommendations on books I can read on this subject. A self help type book on being the spouse of a survivor of childhood abuse would be really helpful. Any suggestions?

  • Show support and ask your spouse if he'd like you to go to therapy with him to talk through things in a group therapy session maybe once or as much as needed. Theres not much you can do. I know its like being a mother and watching your kid fall off a bike when their learning but they have to learn. Hes gotta take time to retrace his steps and then go down a different path that will lead him closer to you. So be patient and supportive. Also be careful. This may be so hard for him that the relationship is hanging on by a thread and that thread might snap. Just don't be blind to that fact. Good luck!


    • Sorry I just saw you wanted books... my bad... I hope the bit of advice helps though cause I don't know any books. Books stores will know their though if you ask the information desk


      • I know you want books, but I was abused. I just wanted someone to listen when I wanted to talk... and only when I wanted to talk.


        • help for spouses of child abuse survivors.

          i am a recovering alcoholic who is also a survivor of child abuse. my fiance is is as well. we have found the best place to get help for how to be ok with the way the other is acting or not acting at all is to read to the wives, and the family afterward in the text book of alcoholics anonymous. there is also a program of recovery for such people as ourselves it is called al-anon. one way to let your significant other know that you are there for him is to ask him about the al-anon program. I have seen and expierienced first hand the emotional and mental that comes from being in a relationship with an alcoholic even one that has been sexually abused as a child. the scars go deep and take time to heal. patience love and tolerance is necessary. i personally have to also make sure that i am doing something for me to better myself and that i dont make my life all about my spouse, my spouses problems, and her emotions. i have had to find me my own things for me and only me. i truly hope that i could be of help. this recovery is a dark and lonely road if you dont know there are others going through the same. you dont have to walk through this alone if you dont want to.


          • Chad, I was reading about this today, somewhere else.

            Whilst this OP posted in March, and hasn't returned you touched on a subject that I believe other's need to hear...


            Or , in reality, any addiction....

            I have had to find me my own things for me and only me.
            You are right and when you do, you will then state, "I understand me, the actually inner me, who he is...".

            I think you will find as you look through this Forum, 100's of times where people say, "learn to love you first"..

            Thank you for sharing, the reality.



            • If The Man You Love Was Abused: A Couple's Guide to Healing (9781593376437): Marie H. Browne, Marlene M. Browne: Books


              Haunted Marriage: Overcoming the Ghosts of Your Spouse's Childhood Abuse (9780830816460): Clark E. Barshinger, Lojan E. LA Rowe, Andres T. Tapia, Lojan E. Larowe: Books


              Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child (9780060968830): Laura Davis: Books

              etc, etc..

              but really i think i'd just ask him how he wants you to be. if he wants to talk or if he doesn't want to. etc.
              also its worth bearing in mind that whilst obviously he is in need of help and support from people in overcoming this, it will also take a lot out of you too - so you should perhaps consider if you need any additional help in the meantime.
              Last edited by Little; 08-24-2009, 06:29 AM. Reason: outbound links
              "Life’s a game but its not fair
              I break the rules so I don’t care
              So I keep doing my own thing
              Walking tall against the rain
              Victory’s within the mile
              Almost there don’t give up now"


              • It is unfortunate that there isn't more material and discussion about this. I would assume that this crosses genderlimes - they need the same type of care as female rape and molestation victims. As a society we humans deal very bady with this, the patriarchal, disfunctional-male-in-charge structure which we has prevailed for a few thousand years, has little compassion for or means of dealing with the sexually abused female, let alone male. We still pass negative judgement on the victims, fail to adequately help them recover and fail to deal adequately with the perpetrators of the abuse.

                The stats vary, apparently 1 out of 8 males will be sexually assaulted or raped during their lifetime. 22% of males in prison are raped but the age a male is most likely to be sexually abused is 4 yrs old. This may be startling but keep in mind that 99% of forcible rape victims are female. Best Estimates are that only 68% are reported. 96% of the reported assaults on males and females are by males. This is an epidemic problem that doesn't recieve anywhere near the attention it should. When you consider the physical and emotional toll, the effect worldwide must be huge. Victims are 13 times more likely to abuse alcohol and 26 times more likely to abuse drugs, PTSD and depression are common. It's an ugly picture and it needs to be talked about and dealt with more directly.


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