insanely obsessed with boyfriend's ex!

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  • insanely obsessed with boyfriend's ex!

    I wasn't sure where to post this but I figured there must be something really wrong with my head and that this is ultimately a mental issue!

    ok.. so my problem is that i'm insanely obsessed with my bf's ex gf. they got engaged 3 years ago but he broke up with her because of all the lying which according to my bf, always involved an older married guy. so anyway, ive always had this obsession with ex gfs, i always compare myself with the exes (to see who's prettier, slimmer, more successful, etc). i think that im really really insecure in this regard, especially with my bf's ex gf because i know how they almost got married and how he introduced her to his family, how he loved her 13 year old daughter whom he still loves and adores until to now.

    im am crazy jealous of her and i dont know why! i stalked her as i did my past bf's exes and found her facebook and saw her pictures for the first time. i really think that she's pretty, very petite, classy, and not to mention very successful. she is irritatingly perfect! i would check her facebook everyday to see what she's been up to or who she's talking to. i would save her pictures in my laptop and make them larger, clearer, brighter, analyzing every detail of her face, trying to find flaws and then comparing myself with her some more. i know it's absolutely insane and im completely out of control!!! i often find myself thinking about her and how much my bf loved her and her kid and it's just driving me nuts! i googled her name several times in different ways, even googled my bf's name and that's when i saw this blog which my bf wrote 3 years ago, where he wrote so many things about her and their relationship, how excited he was to marry her and make them his family, how much he adored the kid and wanted to build a loving relationship with her as her 'step dad'. i saw pictures of them together, poems and letter that he wrote for her, plans about the wedding, the house, everything that i wasnt supposed to see! and then that's where i saw how they were engaged 2 months into the relationship! i hate how i had to discover these things because i couldnt keep myself from finding out things about her and their past relationship and i know that its totally sick but i cant seem to stop!!! i dont know how to stop this madness... i know that she's a thing of his past and i shouldnt worry about her anymore. my bf tells me all the time that he loves me, yet i cant seem to get over the fact that he also loved her this much, or probably even more because we've been dating for a year and he hasnt proposed to me, yet i know how he proposed to this girl after dating her for just 2 months! i would also see sent messages on his phone to the ex's daughter, telling her how much he misses and loves her and that he will always be there for her like a real dad. even this unnecessary closeness with the kid is driving me crazy! i told him once that his closeness with the kid bothers me, but he explained that he is attached to the kid because she didnt do anything wrong and he felt guilty for just disappearing. when he broke up with her mother, he didnt say goodbye to the kid because he didnt know what to tell her. he didnt want to tell her that he broke up with her mom because she's such a big liar, he didnt want to ruin the kid's relationship with her moom. but my bf never stopped loving the kid all these years. he told me that it's different with the ex - that's completely over. yet, even the fact that he still loves the daughter upsets me because whenever i hear the kid's name, i am reminded of how they almost became his family.

    i hate myself with a passion!!! this whole obsession with the ex is really messing up with my head and i dont know how to stop! please help! am i crazy??? do i need professional help??? i dont know what to think so that i would stop feeling 'nothing' compared to this amazing girl that he once dated and almost married! aaaaaaaaggggghhhhh!!!!

  • Okay, look. I know how you feel because if I let myself, I can get very obsessive too.

    Your post was long but I'm gonna try to respond to all the main points.

    First of all, I bet the reason why he didn't propose to you yet is because he feels extra cautious now after that fiasco with his ex! I mean, if you proposed to a guy two months into a relationship who turned out to be a lying cheating , would you really want to do that same thing AGAIN?

    Secondly, what I've learned from my own experiences is that searching for things that I'm not supposed to see ALWAYS leads to me seeing/reading something and then feeling like .

    You MUST stop stalking these people. If you don't want to screw up your current relationship, then you absolutely HAVE TO STOP. No questions about that.

    We all have exs and baggage of all sorts, but NOW your boyfriend loves YOU. Don't ruin it!!

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    • Ee how do I edit posts? That was supposed to say "lying, cheating, JERK" but the last word was a little more... choice. Sorry.

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      • Ahhh darn darn darn... I didn't realize this forum was so strict with language... Sorry! And I still don't know how to edit!

        That should say "feeling like ."

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        • Wow. I'm just gonna stop.

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          • thanks, mes! dont worry about the typos and how they ommitted the 'S' word

            i know that i should STOP because i dont even know how im gonna face my boyfriend if he finds out how ive been stalking his ex all this time. i am absolutely ashamed of myself and how this got completely out of hand. i just wish i could erase her from my memory, together with all the things i found out about her and their relationship. this obsession extends to the kid where im not even supposed to feel insecure or threatened by her. ive know my guy to be a very loving and passionate person and when im in my right state of mind, i would tell myself that its unfair to stop him from loving the kid. but sometimes i cant help but wonder why he even have to maintain this relationship with hthe kid. i mean... what for?? he cant be present in the kid's life forever! someday, his ex will re-marry (she was divorced when they were together) and i bet her future husband wouldnt want y bf to be around lurking in the kid's life.

            you see, i NEVER told my bf how much this bothers me and how obsessed i am with his ex. ive kept this dark shameful secret to myself and its been eating me up all this time.

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            • this is so embarassing! i am so ashamed of myself! i just got to let this out of my chest! i went to the extent of hacking the girl's email by getting through 2 security questions! i dont know how i did it, i guess i just immersed myself too much in her life that i was able to easily answer the questions. and she has absolultely no idea that i can access her email whenever i want! aaaaaaaarrrrghhhhhhhhhh!!! i know he's not talking to my bf anymore but i was just curious about her life. ok i know, I KNOW im gonna BURN IN for this. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh hhh!!!!

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              • ... I KNOW im gonna BURN IN H-E-L-L for this.

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                • Woah...

                  Okay, this is dangerous, it's illegal in my Country and can get you sent to jaol for hacking sweet.

                  You do need professional help but only to find out why you feel compelled to do this.

                  You probably have an obsessive disorder, think of other things that you get obsessed with.

                  But it is going beyond that because you are as I said "stalking/ but now your hacking/"..

                  The stupidity of it all is, is he may have thought she was his dream but that's because she lied from get go and as a result sucked him in. That's the bit your not seeing, once he did see it, he left again that's what your not seeing and the child, it's usual for someone to get attached, again what your not seeing is that when he becomes a Dad he will be awesome.

                  So I saw so many positives in all of this... that your not seeing.

                  Even though you obviously have self -esteme issues, and you need to work with this and establish why because, face it, he's with you, so you must be pretty good afterall.. this is not snooping,anymore, this is dangerous, please do something immediately.

                  I am glad that you opened up though and told us, it's an important step, well done.

                  Mes T, you can't edit .... send me a Visitors message if it's bad and I'll change it for you, that's better than writing 10 posts...
                  Last edited by CHANDLERS WISH; 10-28-2009, 02:23 AM.
                  PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

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                  • I think its easy lose yourself in thoughts of comparing yourself to past gfs/wives, etc... of the one you love.

                    We forget that we too had lives of our own before we met them, men we no longer give a care about. Think of your exbf and how little he matters to you, you would think it so silly for your current bf to sit and obsess over this guy who means nothing to you.

                    Personally, I think he should let go of the daughter of his exgf. I mean if she contacts him, he can certainly be there for her... but persuing a relationship with her unless they were with each other, living with each other, for a very long time is... sort of odd, and possibly unhealthy for everyone involved.

                    I do understand your concern there, but try not to let that get to you if its just occasional exchanges especially if she is reaching out to him. If he's the one doing all the reaching and trying to maintain something there that the girl is indifferent to.... thats a different story entirely.

                    Anyways point is -- your not crazy. You recognize your behavior is irrational and poisonous to both you and your relationship. That is a good starting point.

                    We'd all ( or many of us anyway) in a perfect world like the be the only one our SO ever loved, that no one ever broke their heart or hurt them, that they never long for someone else they use to hold, etc... but that isn't the way life works unless people marry their high school sweethearts etc.

                    Its almost better though that he's had exes, that hes been in love, that he has experienced life, and hopefully learned how better to treat the one he loves from all the hurt he endured at the hands of someone that didn't treat him well.

                    You have to let the ex go, you have to stop the googling. You know you do and thats why you are here. Your feelings, your initial gut instinct to compare yourself is NORMAL....the stalking is not.

                    He's with you because you are the one he wants to be with. If he doesn't make you feel like that is true than you are pulling your hair out over the wrong man. If he does make you feel loved, special and that you are the one he wants to be with -- believe him, or you may lose him all because of your fear of losing him... what good would that do?

                    Enjoy today, enjoy the man you have. If he asked you to marry him 2 months into dating you'd have to wonder if he just asks every girl he dates 2 months to marry him. All relationships are unique, he was at a different place in his life when he asked her that, you can't compare his love for you based on a time line with his ex.

                    Not only is your relationship different, he is different than he was then. For better or for worse. Enjoy the moments you have now, the smiles he puts on your face, bask in those... dont sweat the small stuff -- it'll only eat you up.
                    Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.

                    Comment


                    • [QUOTE=Hopeless Dork;123231]

                      I do understand your concern there, but try not to let that get to you if its just occasional exchanges especially if she is reaching out to him. If he's the one doing all the reaching and trying to maintain something there that the girl is indifferent to.... thats a different story entirely. QUOTE]

                      he is actually the one doing all the reaching out and that's why im upset i know how the kid wouldn't respond to his "sweet" messages although he didnt mind. occassionally he would still send her messages, all the 'i love you's' and 'i miss you's' and 'ill always be your dad even if im not your real dad and will always be there for you' is just driving me nuts!

                      here's another thing. my boyfriend and i dive togather and once, asked if we could take the kid with us so she can experience diving too. personally i love kids and he's been telling me what what a wonderful kid she is so i agreed. so we picked her up somewhere and i actually met the mother! we just said hi and smiled at each other that's about it (since then i couldnt get her off my mind). so the whole time that we were with the kid, my bf was LITERALLY cuddling the kid, hugging her, kissing her, being sweet and all... this totally drove me insane! i must admit that the kid is pretty sweet, she's so gentle and pretty and kind its impossible not to like her. i must admit i liked her myself. but seeing how my bf was to her... that was just way too much for me! so when i couldnt take it anymore, i told her how ive been feeling like all day and i just burst into tears. i told him " i know how much you love this kid and how much you missed her and that's why i said yes to this trip with her. i TRIED, i really did, but seeing you cuddling with her and all that is just too much" he apologized over and over, saying that he knew it took a lot at my end to understand but just didnt realize that it was too much for me. i said im NEVER going to another dive trip with the kid and tha's not because i hate her, she's a wonderful young girl, but because i just cant stand seeing them together. my bf said he never inviting her again and they never saw each other since.

                      i know that i cant stop him from loving the kid. chandler's right, it's usual to get attached to kids, especially with a wonderful kid like her. i dont want to be selfish, but i think it's not healthy to have her around while we dive - its OUR activity together. if she were his real daughter then maybe i wouldve understood. but you see, that's the reason i dont date divorced men or the ones with kids because i know how insecure i can get. it does feel weird how he is still pursuing a relationship with her, i know the kid doesnt text him, he's just the one reaching out all the time and i just dont get it!

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by CHANDLERS WISH View Post
                        Woah...

                        Okay, this is dangerous, it's illegal in my Country and can get you sent to jaol for hacking sweet.

                        You do need professional help but only to find out why you feel compelled to do this.

                        You probably have an obsessive disorder, think of other things that you get obsessed with.

                        But it is going beyond that because you are as I said "stalking/ but now your hacking/"..

                        The stupidity of it all is, is he may have thought she was his dream but that's because she lied from get go and as a result sucked him in. That's the bit your not seeing, once he did see it, he left again that's what your not seeing and the child, it's usual for someone to get attached, again what your not seeing is that when he becomes a Dad he will be awesome.

                        So I saw so many positives in all of this... that your not seeing.

                        Even though you obviously have self -esteme issues, and you need to work with this and establish why because, face it, he's with you, so you must be pretty good afterall.. this is not snooping,anymore, this is dangerous, please do something immediately.

                        I am glad that you opened up though and told us, it's an important step, well done.

                        Mes T, you can't edit .... send me a Visitors message if it's bad and I'll change it for you, that's better than writing 10 posts...

                        i know.. im dangerous now, not only do i have serious self-esteem issues, i am also a dangerous woman! i dont know how to stop but i know i just got to stop period. i realized that this must be an obsessive disorder, i dont even know why im hacking, its not like im doing it to see if theyre talking. its crazy and im sooooo ashamed of myself. i will try with all my might to stop this obsession. im glad i can share this with you guys who only mean to help and not judge so thank you!

                        Comment


                        • Have you considered well... dumping him? I mean he sounds like a great guy but his particular baggage might be too much for you. Do you think you'd be happier with a guy who didn't have this pseudo-daughter type person...? Or do you think you'd end up being obsessive with the next guy anyway?

                          You should definitely try to get some professional help if you can, before this makes you or the people around you any more miserable. You could get into a lot of trouble if you were caught stalking these people.

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                          • By the way, try not to dwell too much on him being attached to that kid. I work at a middle school in Korea and there are some students that I would happily adopt and have live with me forever and ever. If he can be that attached to a kid who isn't even his, just imagine how wonderful he would be to a kid that you two would have together.

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                            • You're right Mes T. I know he will be a wonderful father. Ive seen how he is with kids, with the ex's daughter and his nieces. He said he likes hugging people who are dear to him and i observed this to be true. he would hug even our girl friends and i really dont mind. the funny thing is, i dont get jealous even if i know that he has a lot of girl friends and how he would hug them, im totally cool with that. what's absurd is how i get crazy jealous over past girlfriends. i never considered dumping him because of the kid because after that trip, he never invited her again. i told him to go with her if he wants but there's no way im going if she's there, and again I said its not because i hate the kid but because i just cant stand the sight and dont want to put myself through that again. its enough that i tried and discovered i cant take it.

                              Im really worried. This obsession has has completely gotten out of control. I dont want to make the ex's life miserable even though i "hate" her. and i can never face my bf if he found out how ive been stalking the girl, it'll be so embarassing and i know i will definitely scare him away! i will scare ME away too!

                              Comment

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