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Using my boyfriend as a crutch - help...

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  • Using my boyfriend as a crutch - help...

    It's three in the morning. Lately I haven't been able to sleep. Auditions started for Urinetown and usually my boyfriend is by the phone to say goodnight to me, but I guess because of all his stage managing responsibilities, all his homework time gets pushed back and he ignores the phone. That's just the way he is, and that's fine with me (or it should be). But I have this weird sort of separation anxiety. Sometimes I try to stay up for an hour, waiting to see if he'll say goodnight. I'm just used to him doing that, that's all.

    This semester, though, I've been trying to do my best to stand up on my own. I've noticed that whenever I date someone, I always use them as a crutch, and I'm almost helpless without them. But I want to feel comfortable standing apart from them, especially my boyfriend... I don't want to lose him because I seem too clingy. I've been making a lot of progress, but at times it seems to get to be too much. I know it's just all in my head. My mind has an overactive imagination and likes to fill in the gaps with scenarios that are just plain stupid. Maybe it's low self-esteem or my inability to truly trust someone or perhaps it's both, but I have always imagined people betraying me. It's a really huge barrier that I'm going to have to break through otherwise I'm going to start destroying my relationships with people. It doesn't help that before all this dating stuff, I was the type of person to lean toward the philosophy of "if you want something done, you should do it yourself." The only expectations I had was only geared toward me because I didn't trust anyone else with responsibilities that were too important to me. But that "philosophy" only made me impatient and wary of people; obviously, it didn't help me all that much. Maybe I learned to be a little independent, but in focusing in one thing, I neglected another: relationships with people. They became so strained in a way that they weren't even built up. The foundation was there, maybe scaffolds from when I first started building a relationship with the person, but after that, things just started either to deteriorate or . . . became just plain messy. No established support where there should be, or just big ol' holes where there shouldn't.

    I don't know if the fact that I notice all this means I've made any progress. Heck, I know I have made some. There are several hours in a day where I don't miss him in what I consider to be a scarily obsessive manner, where I've learned to fill that time with doing productive things like homework or reading or working out. But there are times when I'm so tired, say, by the time I'm getting ready for bed, when everything builds up and calcifies and then I spend the remainder of the following day trying to de-solidify all that stuff in my head. Kind of like picking off at callouses on my feet when I know that I'm just going to spend the whole time walking at my next waking hour.

    Picking away and rebuilding myself is just plain tiring.
    Last edited by holetoledo; 02-05-2010, 02:32 AM.

  • hey holetoledo!

    i've never had an official boyfriend before but i have gone on a few dates. i'm kinda like you to fact that i usually put all the responsibility on myself and that it's difficult to complelety trust others that i'm getting to know. when i was dating i wasn't ever sure if the guy actually liked me or not. he would call sometimes but like most girls i waited for my phone to ring. the i just kinda brushed it off and realized that yes, he has a life too whether i like it or not. also, i wanted to officially be his girlfriend. i realized i didn't want to be to clingy and give him the space he needs. i thought that if he really wanted to be my boyfriend, he would ask when he was ready--although i wan't going to wait forever. but anyway, your situation is like a lot of girls'. most of us tend to be more clingy than guys. like once we decide we like them and everything is going fine, we want to be their girlfriends right away. it seems like everything is alright in your relationship especially if he calls you every night. and it's completely understandable that he might not call you because it's a really busy time in his life. i would just relax and keep doing what you're doing. once the busy part of his life pasts, im sure everything will go back to normal. and maybe to help yourself be more trustworthy start off trusting in somewhat insignificant situations and slowly build yourself up. however, sometimes it's good to evaluate things (never out of proportion just based on facts) and do what you need to do. good luck, breathe, and have fun =)....hope this helps
    “We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.”
    -Frederick Keonig

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