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Lack of orgasm creating depression

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  • Sorry, but I would take advice from someone who has been in my situation before though (being with a woman who can't give herself an orgasm... through any method). I really wish it was as easy as a specific routine or the stars aligning just right but frankly it s not.
    Well in all reality you kinda do have to take the advice from as many people as you can even if they are not in the same situation because someone in the same position would not have an orgasm to show for all of their efforts either. What you said about wishing it was as easy as a specific routine but it is not is absolutely true. There is no method so it is not a matter of finding what worked for a guy in the same situation and doing that specific thing and hope that it works, it is a matter of gaining several opinions on what works for others and maybe something from there will work for your SO. I know you have been searching and quite honestly trying your best with a variety of things but all you can do is do what you are currently doing and ask a lot of questions to people as having more knowledge will help in the long run. It will still take time though and honestly after re-reading what you wrote at the start of this thread it kinda sounds like you should ask her to take some more time by herself to try things. It is quite true that if a woman cannot give herself at least one orgasm then someone else is likely to have an extremely difficult time in doing so. Maybe focus on just the arousal part first, if she likes to read have her read one of those steamy romance novels (though it may be cheesy book lol) and just feel the arousal...no hard focused attempt to orgasm but just feel the arousal and slowly touch herself to know of the different tingles that can happen with touching here or there. The base of it all is arousal, one cannot orgasm without being aroused in some manner.
    There are those who believe that dictionaries should not merely reflect the times but also protect English from the mindless assaults of the trendy.

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    • For some women the birth control they take dampens libido and/or inhibits ability to climax. I've read about some of them on this site. I'm pretty sure one of the moderators is big into natural rhythym-type birth control because of this. I think it's Beautiful Disaster.

      It's difficult to fool around with the natural functioning of the reproductive system without paying a price.
      "Those sowing seed with tears
      Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

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      • Originally posted by ItsASecret View Post
        It will still take time though and honestly after re-reading what you wrote at the start of this thread it kinda sounds like you should ask her to take some more time by herself to try things. It is quite true that if a woman cannot give herself at least one orgasm then someone else is likely to have an extremely difficult time in doing so.
        That's my point... I have tried and continue to try everything and it has been many years of this, and if you read the book I first posted you will see that I have tried what you just suggested and the reason why it doesn't work. Only someone in this exact situation as me can understand this situation and offer advice on how to they are dealing with the emotions of it. I am certain that I am not the only one out there but maybe just posting in the wrong forum.

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        • Originally posted by Stillness View Post
          It's difficult to fool around with the natural functioning of the reproductive system without paying a price.
          A couple of months ago she went off birth control. I was really hoping that it would make a difference but nothing has changed. I wonder if the effects of the drug lasts in a woman's system after three month of non use though?

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          • This is a rare thread.

            I resurrect it, because I am in just about the same boat as original poster.

            Dated for years and I was her first. I bought her, her first copy of Our Bodies Ourselves, and her first vibrator. She was not religious or particularly prudish or anything, but shy and awkward and I guess "too smart" for the young men in her home country so she hadn't really dated much.

            Eventually in our dating it became obvious she could orgasm from vibrator (easy) or fingers (hard), but not from anything I did. I went to see a counselor about this we even went to a therapist together at one point. She had various suggestions about try this, try that, almost everything previous poster covered. More romance, hours-long massages, put it out of your mind, or abstain for a while, etc etc etc. There was one session in particular that went for 4 HOURS and she was a limp dishrag at the end of it, and enjoyed it, but no orgasm. Yes we've tried vibrators on her while I'm involved that doesn't seem to work either.

            OK so remove the stress from it. Maybe it's lack of commitment right? Nope, been married for 9 years now have 2 kids don't see how I could be much more committed. We both work at the same University in different departments, have lunch together sometimes, and there's no lack of intimacy and communication.

            But she never has an orgasm that is generated by me. When she's playing it's best if I actually leave the the room, as she can do so but it takes much longer and sometimes she just tires out and stops.

            This is something I haven't even mentioned to her in years, I expect she's forgotten I consider it a problem still.

            Recently she was particularly turned on after watching this Outlander series she is into, and midway through a long session where she was massively turned on, I was starting to flag. I introduced a new toy, a ******** ring with small vibrator, which revived me and kept things going a while longer until I finally hit my "getting sore, gotta come now or never" point and finished. Again, she's a limp dish rag, it's been about an hour and a half but no orgasm. Since that session she's said several times "let's repeat THAT tonight" and I find myself strangely finding reasons to avoid it.

            Maybe it's after a decade or more you start losing hope about it. I find occasional spikes of energy where I push forward with some new thing, and then when it fails I'm reminded how this bothers me and depression rolls back in. I will note that she rarely if ever is the one adding anything new here. I mean she does initiate sex when she's horny, but she's not the one going out finding new ways to turn me or herself on.

            Just wanted to add belatedly, that if simplethere is still around, I feel your pain.

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            • A good reason to resurrect an old thread. Unfortunately, simplethere hasn't been around since 2012.

              The two of you seemed to have worked well on this issue. As I read this post, it seems to me that this has become entirely your issue. You posit that she may have forgotten that it bothers you that she does not orgasm. Please correct me if I am wrong, but it seems that the two of you still have sex quite a bit and that she even initiates sex when she is horny. Does she seem disappointed that she doesn't orgasm from intercourse with you? That does not appear to be the case since she wants more of it with the new toy.

              Why is your goal to have her orgasm with you if it appears that, after all the work that the two of you put in for the last decade, she cannot? I assume that you love her and that there is a significant emotional connection that still comes from being intimate. Your relationship is strong. You would probably enjoy sex more with her if you just focused on her enjoyment and not an orgasm. It seems to me that your emotional response and depression are getting in the way of more fulfilling sex life for you.

              Use your talents and even therapy to get past it. I might check in with her to make sure that its ok if you stop trying to make her cum and just focus on great sex. But you are ruining what many of our male posters would give anything for -- a woman who wants to have sex with her husband and even initiates it. In other words, if she is not unhappy, go back to having fun with the woman you married. Stop beating yourself up because you cannot "make" her have an orgasm.
              "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

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              • Originally posted by effy2014 View Post
                As I read this post, it seems to me that this has become entirely your issue. You posit that she may have forgotten that it bothers you that she does not orgasm.
                In enough years, seemingly every approach gets tried. Think about, don't think about it. Talk about it, don't talk about it. Communicate or "just enjoy what you have". Thus everything you've said, I've heard and thought many times. So for example this was bothering me in the back of my mind during engagement. But as the counselor said "maybe she can't be free with you, until you are committed to her" as a trust thing. So yeah, shove that thought aside and move ahead, hope for the best. And things are generally quite good.

                Your advice, pardon my saying it this way, is no more useful than telling a depressed person "just snap out of it!".

                Let me be clear here, this isn't the end of our sex life or relationship or marriage. But it is a source of occasional depression, with seemingly no resolution. And past experience with sharing it and discussing with spouse and counselor weren't productive, and added to her stress.

                There are much worse things in the world to live with, but this is mine that I chose to share with those who are in the same situation. I found this thread with a kindred problem and chose to add to it, because it's good to have company at least. Trite but true, if you aren't in this situation you will not understand it.

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                • Depression is very real. My SO and ex-wife have depression issues. I have had significant emotional issues that I worked out in therapy. I clearly understand that "Snap out of it" is never a valid approach. However, not being able to give your wife an orgasm is no more or less a difficult an issue than OCD, anxiety, depression from other causes and the like. A good therapist should be able to get to the underlying issues within you that prevent you from getting past this. I don't have to have gone through the depression issues to partner with my SO to help her work out her issues.

                  Thinking that no one understands until they have been through it is a cop out. Your depression and anxiety comes from somewhere inside of you; it is far from hopeless and any issue can be worked through.
                  "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

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                  • *ElPresidente I check this every once in a blue moon to see if anyone has gone or is going through a situation like mine. Unfortunately our situations may seem very similar but they are miles apart. My wife cannot have an orgasm, no matter what, ever. If she was able to pleasure herself to orgasm once then she and I would be satisfied. That being said, I do appreciate your story and empathize with you. And glad to hear you are sticking it out. Something that has helped me is focusing on the signs that she is turned on instead of an orgasm. So when we are having sex and she gets involuntarily tight (before she hits her wall), I feel she has reached an orgasm. Complementing her on her body when it reacts to stimulus, I feel distracts her from focusing on the orgasm issue and seems to relax her. But honestly *ElPresidente if I were in your situation, I would just get to the point where she can pleasure herself to orgasm while you are in the room, and eventually when you are both are making eye contact. I'd start with that.

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by simplethere View Post
                      Something that has helped me is focusing on the signs that she is turned on instead of an orgasm.
                      It's good to see that you two have worked through this.

                      From the first time I read your post it always seemed more an issue with you than with her. She was satisfied and let you know when she wasn't, so you were doing everything you were supposed to do for your wife. Her response just didn't fit your preconceived ideas. But it's common for women to enjoy sex and never have an orgasm.

                      Thanks for the follow up.
                      "Those sowing seed with tears
                      Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

                      Comment

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