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Am I schizophrenic, depressed or what? Please help me!

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  • Am I schizophrenic, depressed or what? Please help me!

    I am 17 years old and seem to be ill all the time, I've had swine flu, countless urine infections, colds, flu and migraines this year alone. Anyhow, I've been under a lot of pressure recently at college with a lot of assignments to do, have also been feeling depressed on and off since getting swine flu and a urine infection in January.

    I was fine and happy on Thursday but on Thursday night I had a really disturbing dream, in the dream I had gotten it into my head that I had murdered my baby (I don't have one!) and that I must kill myself before I was locked up for life. I didn't actually see a baby at all in the dream but in the dream I went mad and had a breakdown and my mum cooked me a chicken curry that I was convinced had my baby in it! I woke up just as I was about to kill myself. Now the dream has really shaken me up, I don't want kids but I would never dream of doing that.

    Since then I feel exhausted, confused and not really with it at all. I keep bursting into tears and wanting to die and I can't control my thoughts. It's like a little voice in my head is saying nasty things. I broke down infront of my mum yesterday and in conversation she mentioned my sister's new baby whom I've never met. The little voice in my head said "I wish he was dead!" and it sounded like me saying it but I know I don't wish that on him at all. The voice also says that I'm going to hurt someone just like in my dream and it also says random disgusting words such as "rape", "child porn", "murder" etc. I'm not a nasty person and wouldn't wish these things on anyone at all, I'm convinced I'm going out of my mind and that I will end up hurting myself or someone else.

    I'm also anxious and nervous all the time and I can't get my thoughts to switch off. I kept on waking up and then drifting off to sleep again last night but even when I was awake my thoughts were racing and it was like I was dreaming, random thoughts about suicide and spatulas?! I have been ill for 2 weeks now, it started at college where I got a sore throat and lost my voice after doing a practical lesson with the animals ( I study animal managment.) We found a wild mouse in the stables we were cleaning and stupidly we all picked it up and stroked it. I can't remember if I washed my hands afterwards or not. I've now had a cough for 2 weeks and I am utterly exhausted. In the past 4 months I have put on a bit of weight (about half a stone) and as someone who used to be seriously obsessed with me weight it's been making me feel miserable. I don't feel like me anymore and I am really overdue with my period (no chance of being pregnant as I'm still a virgin), if my mum says something to me the little voice in my head says stuff like "fat cow" or "I wish you were dead" and I don't feel that at all! Please help me, I seriously want to die because my thoughts tell me I'm a bad person for being like this. :'(

  • This just seems like you are scared from the nightmare you had.

    Schizophrenia does not just start up by having a nightmare one night, it is much much deeper than that and can only be diagnosed by a psychologist or psychiatrist.
    There are those who believe that dictionaries should not merely reflect the times but also protect English from the mindless assaults of the trendy.


    • Firstly welcome to the Forum,

      Secondly don't contemplate suicide are you not meant to find the reason behind things? That is not doing that, that's a cop out, your smarter than that.

      I believe that I had a very nasty case two years ago of the Swine flu, whilst in Oklahoma, it lasted 6 weeks, I felt so down, who wouldn't it is not a normal flu it is nasty and to go through it day after day after day after day and then to top it off, to have something else as well, can definately bring you into depression.

      Your dream.

      Is one of two things. Either, you wanting to be a baby again sub-conscioiusly as you can't take this anymore....Dreams do not mean what you see. Stands to reason, you saw yourself being fed, a Mother and a baby....


      Strangely enough, when we are about to get news, sometimes it comes to light before we are told...and the next day your Mother bought up your sisters baby that you have never seen....

      A baby means, nurturing...the need for love, care.....no responsibilies......

      In my opinion you need to see a Doctor immediately about your depression, how to help all these illnesses as well disolve, you need time out from school and loads of rest, without total on going rest our minds can play tricks . If you are on mediation you need to go back to your Doctor and explain what you are dreaming about and the voices, as it could be that they are making you halucinate also, even whilst awake...



      • Jeez, you sound just like me. I get sick all the time, have since I was like 13 (I'm almost 19 now)

        I've heard random voices like that, even had weird things stuck in my head... Like, seeing a mugshot of myself in the newspaper with crazy titles like "Local woman murders 50 people" or "Michigan cannibal finally captured"... They seem to be stuck in my head like, a past life or a warning?... But I wouldn't ever do it! I mean, I've had thoughts of whacking someone upside the head with a shovel (everyone gets ****ed off at people now and then XD) but I realize it would be a bad idea, and I don't want to sit in prison my whole life. Lol.

        I have weird moments where I just, dream in real time (ex : me and my best friend walking down the road, then I see myself shoving him in front of an oncoming bus for no reason!)

        Suicide and spatulas? No offense, but LOL! That sounds like... A song title I would write XD

        Now hun, let me tell you, you're not a bad person. I've met people who seem 100 times more normal than me, with absolutely perfect lifes, who are just as messed up as me (maybe some MORE than me...) Because I've spent alot of time reading psychology books and such, and been through so much counseling & therapy, I would probably diagnose you as depressed, and a few other possibilities being : schizotypal, borderline personality, and maaaybe, suicidal ideation.

        As for how to help you, I really don't know what I did to fix my problems... And occasionally they still drop by to say hi! be miserable!! Honestly, talk about it. Stay away from stress as much as possible (although school makes that a b!tch & a half. Believe me, I know...) And don't let the weird things (dreams and ideas and whatever that just AREN'T YOU) have an impact on you. Imagine it as just being some weird spell a wizard cast on you. Lol. I'm out of my freaking mind, but atleast it's not in a bad way anymore XD

        About the dream, whenever I have one all brutal like that, I assume it means something... Check out Dreammoods.com their dream dictionary usually has something that fits whatever crazy stuff happens. I found these relating to yours :

        If you dream that a baby is neglected, then it suggests that you are not paying enough attention to yourself. You are not utilizing your full potential. Alternatively, this dream could represent your fears about your own children and your ability to protect and to provide for them.

        To see a dead baby in your dream, symbolizes the ending of something that was once a part of you.

        Killing represents the killing off of the old parts and old habits. Alternatively, the dream represents feelings of being let down or betrayed by someone in your waking life. You are feeling overwhelmed, shocked and disappointed.

        To dream that you have committed a murder, indicates that you are putting an end to an old habit and a former way of thinking. This could also refer to an end to an addiction. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you have some repressed aggression or rage at yourself or at someone. Note also that dreams of murder occur frequently during periods of depression.

        To dream about the death of a loved one, suggests that you are lacking a certain aspect or quality that the loved one embodies. Ask yourself what makes this person special or what you like about them. It is that very quality that you are lacking in your own relationship or circumstances. Alternatively, the dream indicates that whatever that person represents has no part in your own life anymore. In particular, to dream about the death of your parents, indicates that you are undergoing a significant change in your waking life. Your relationship with your parents has evolved into a new realm.

        To dream that you commit suicide, represents your desperate desire to escape from your waking life. You may be harboring feelings of guilt that you cannot get over and thus turning the aggression on yourself. You need to start approaching problems from a different angle. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you are saying good-bye to one aspect of yourself and hello to a whole new you. It is symbolic of a personal transformation or a new stage in your life.

        That was probably a whole lot of to read... Sorry. Lol. Good luck to ya! and if ya ever wanna talk, I'm on Facebook. (you can always find me anywhere under evilgothicjenn. )


        • You're all going to think I'm disgusting and that I should be sectioned which is exactly what I feel about myself. I'm having really disturbing thoughts that I don't mean in the slightest, for instance I will look across to my guinea pigs whom I love to bits and a thought will enter my head "I want to rape them" or "I want to kill them." I don't mean these things in the slightest and rape and beastiality are the lowest of the low in my view. Why on earth do I keep thinking these dreadful things? I worry about what I'm thinking and then more disgusting thoughts will enter my head.


          • Who have you seen about this?

            I commend evilgothicjenn for writing a lengthy post, for sharing her world with you, and for giving you an inside of so far what has helped her, she is doing something about it, she is learning everything about herself.

            Did you read what she wrote? That would have taken her along time to write, her time for you.



            • Okay this might be a long one and Im sorry that Im only posting now as I see this post was posted a month or two ago.
              Basically, alot of what you have said Is how I have felt on and off ever since I had a 'breakdown' although Im skeptical about whether that was what it was since Ive got so many other 'symptoms' now and Its changed throughout. Im no expert let me just say this, but I know how it might feel right now for you. Here is my entire story.
              I grew up without a dad, he died before I was born. All the time I was growing up I was SO angry, just bursting with it and so negative, and depressed really. As I grew up, i just felt not so much angry but down all the time. School wasn't helping and constant put downs from so called 'friends' just drove me even further down and i had no self esteem and still dont. I also underwent two inguinal hernia operations which was traumatising... etcc..... I then had severe anxiety and I was messed up I went to a psychiatrist and she gave me 50mg of Sertraline (its an antidepressant/antianxiety drug (an SSRI)) got serious depersonalisation but then it worked after 3 weeks and i was getting so much better but then tragedy struck! At christmas last year i think it was, I came down with something god awfulll, either swine flu or glandular fever and i felt so awful, not least because of the symptoms physically but what bad illnesses can do to you too mentally. I went further down into a spiral and i couldnt get myself out of it. I already had problems, and post viral fatigue and post viral depression just got me and didnt let go.They increased the medication which made me more depressed, suicidal. Then I went on Citalopram(another drug) and that made me even more depersonalised, then they took me off them just like that (which you shouldnt do cus you have to come off them gradually. If you are on a Antidepressant SSRI group drug for more than 6months and you stop suddenly you get discontiuation syndrome) , so they said ' yeah stop'and guess what i got Discontiuation syndrome! - like electric shocks going through my head. People were embarrased they hadnt realised this would happen...I went to another clinic and they then put me on Prozac that worked for a while and then sent me manic. Came off that and got discontiuation syndrome again, someone else gave me Mirtazapine which made me slightly Psychotic!) and stopped it got discontiunation syndrome yet again. Since then my symptoms have changed from straight forward 'depression' and 'anxiety and depersonalisation' to serious mood fluctuations, depersonalisation but really really bad,,, i harmed myself (which i regret) and never ever harm yourself youre worth more than that okay girl? x and I feel like im talking to myself, feel withdrawn, have no connection to my family and loads of other things. The doctor has arranged for a more 'specialised' person to meet with me and do a reassesment. apparantly things can develop so its important to get a proper diagnosis.


              Sorry for that, I hope it might give you a bit of help knowing that youre not alone. IT FEELS LIKE IT! but youre not! I am here if you want to message me or anything like that,any questions just fire away. Im not better yet far from it, things are worse not better, but if you get help you will be helped by someone. I promise.

              Take care.


              • I'd just like to thank everyone for their support.

                I finally have a diagnosis of what I have. I have depression and OCD; the thoughts I was having were intrusive thoughts which are a typical OCD symptom I have found out. Thankfully I don't have compulsions and definately no desire to act on my intrusive thoughts. Thankfully after I have gotten over my virus and am feeling a lot better the intrusive thoughts have pretty much stopped.


                • KO

                  Even so....You are anonymous KO is well not something I could link to anything so how are you feeling?

                  Glad you are here and we are here for you.

                  PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!


                  • I've realised what triggered my OCD and breakdown, basically I was under a of a lot of pressure to do with college and also battling various illnesses. At the time it all happened I came down with an illness and ended up having a fever for over a week, during that time I wasn't myself at all. I've also realised why I was thinking such things, just before I became ill, my friend was telling me about a girl she knew who was in to the whole beastiality thing. I was so shocked and appalled, I think it's not only disgusting but degrading to the animal, then I became ill and my intrusive thoughts wouldn't let it drop. I've realised that the whole intrusive thoughts thing is if you get a random horrid thought that you don't mean in the slightest, you hate yourself for thinking it and the more it happens. It's the brain trying to trick you into thinking things that are the opposite of how you really feel, the more appalled you are the more you think them. I would like to tell all OCD sufferers, intrusive thoughts are not really you, you don't mean them and just because a disturbing thought may enter your head doesn't mean that you are a bad person; you will never act on these thoughts. The more you stress about them the more you will experience them, accept them as being thoughts that are the opposite of you and they will start to stop. Us OCD sufferers are not bad people and we certainly aren't mad.


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