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health anxiety.

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  • health anxiety.

    this may turn out to be a long post, but i will try to keep it as short as possible . . .

    i feel i have been depressed most of my childhood as i had some issues at home (my father physically & mentally abused me, and mentally abused my mother) & i have been overweight since i was 12 & faced a lot of bullying & teasing from my classmates. looking back, their words mean nothing, but being a 12 year old female . . . there is a lot of pressure to be pretty & popular, so this put a damper on my overall mental health. i spent a lot of time alone & preferred to keep to myself than try to represent myself & my personality . . . it was an easy way out for me. & not that i blame this soley on the state of my mentality, but i do believe it had an impact on my lifestyle.

    fast forward 4 years. my first boyfriend. the only thing i wish for in life is to love & be loved . . . and this BOY could not give that to me. he was more interested in hanging out with his buddies & playing video games than giving me the attention i desired. this sent me spiriling into depression, so my mother made an appointment with me to see a mental health specialist, where i was diagnosed with major depression & acute anxiety. i held onto this relationship for an agonizing 3 years before he cut it off with me for being "too needy". again, i don't blame him for being the main source of my depression, but the fact that i cared about him a lot more than he did me was hurtful . . . i couldn't tell you how many times i wanted to break it off with him bc he DIDN'T give me what i was looking for, but i forgot what it was like to be alone & was in fear of being on my own . . . it didn't help i lost the few friends i did have bc of my depression . . . they didn't understand how i felt & didn't bother to try.

    a few weeks after the breakup, i finally felt renewed. i was away from this jerk & was searching for something new to live for. however, i turned to the wrong things & ppl to make me feel better about myself. i began using street drugs & drinking on a regular basis . . . while i enjoyed myself at the time, looking back it was not the best option for me. i began excessively cutting calories to create a new "image" for myself, which resulted in a 30 lb weight loss over a matter of 3 months & in a very unhealthy manner. this did however spark the attention of the boys in town, and it felt good to be noticed & feel attractive . . . but with my alcohol addiction (i was drinking 4 - 5 times a week) i made some poor decisions & i believed that bc boys wanted to sleep with me, that meant they liked me. this lead to multiple sex partners and few relationships, which was even more painful for me bc i was not raised to be this way & do not have it in my heart to just sleep with someone & never see them again.

    fast forward another year . . . when i met my current boyfriend. he truly saved me from myself. i was 17 at the time we met, & he was 19. good looking & a real gentleman. he gave me the courage & made me realize my self - respect, which lead me to quit drinking & using drugs cold turkey (it has been 3 years now & i am still clean as can be ). however, since i felt so comfortable with him so quickly, i have put on an excessive amount of weight within the last few years, after i worked so hard towards my goal weight (i was 15 lbs away). he moved in with me my senior year in high school & encouraged me to be a better person . . . that year i recieved a 3.8 GPA & enrolled at the local career center for patient care technology.

    sorry, trying to make this fast . . . a lot of my classes focused on physical health including symptoms, diagnosis, prognosis, etc. the more i read, the more i convinced myself i had these diseases we were learning about. this caused a high anxiety in my life & lead me to compulsively research these health conditions. i never realized how much harm i was causing my body by doing the things i did . . . & it seemed like the more educated i was, the more anxious i became.

    so far, according to my research, i have "had" chrone's disease, oral cancer, std's, bowel cancer, polyps, celiac diease . . . just to name a few. i have visited specialist after specialist & with extensive testing, have came out negative for all of the above. this has brought some temporary relief, but within a week's time, i am worrying about another part of my body. it's a never - ending, vicious cycle . . . & it's exhausting. i know many ppl are concerned with their health, but this was not a concerning matter, it was obsessive. i honestly get these thoughts so far deep into my mind that i absolutely convince myself i am ill to the point where i am so depressed about it, i refuse to leave the house, i have no energy, i sleep a lot more than i should & overeat. i feel like i am trapped in my mind. i have talked to my GP about this & he believes it just a symptom of my depression & upped the dose on my anti - depressants (i am currently on prozac 30mg). however, this has provided little relief . . . it does take some of the negative thoughts away, almost as if someone turned the volume down in my head, but it has not eliminated the anxiety & i have not found an effective way of coping with it.

    of course i have done my share of research on this subject, & the only answers i could find is hypochondriasis, or being a hypochondriac. i read over a webpage discussing this mental health disorder with my mother & instantly broke out in tears . . . it was like they studied this disease just for me! i finally felt some relief knowing i was not crazy & not alone, but this did not cease my beliefs. i am still battling these thoughts & compulsive urges to webmd every symptom i have & can not seem to make myself believe that EVERYONE goes through little pains here & there . . . that it is nothing serious or anything that can compromise my health.

    on a side note . . . one thing i told myself in life is to never be like my father . . . he DEFINITELY has mental health issues, but seeks to recieve help although my mother has tried & tried again to get him to talk to someone & get on medication. he is a very angry, violent man & that is one thing i try to stay away from. sometimes i get impulses to act like he does . . . get angry & snap at people for no reason (especially the ones i love), to physically hurt & abuse people & other living things (like my boyfriend & my pets), although i do not act on these impulses . . . i have enough sense to tell myself it is wrong. but i can't seem to control these thoughts. it's sickening in my opinion. . . why would i want to hurt someone that i love or a helpless animal that has done nothing wrong to me & could never stand up for itself against my anger.

    i am sure both of these issues are not related, but i guess i just needed someone to vent to & am wondering if there are other people on this forum that have experienced any of the problems i am facing . . . it has been about 5 years since my diagnosis & somehow i don't think she was correct on a lot of things (or is this the hypochondriac in me?). i think it is a lot more than depression & acute anxiety but i am no doctor . . . if there is anyone out there that has researched mental health more than i have, your comments would be appreciated . . . i have made an appointment with a new mental health specialist, but i'm on a waiting list so any help in the mean time would really mean a lot to me. i would really like to know if this is just classic depression symptoms, or possibly another underlying condition. thnks.
    20 years young, 5'9, 220 pounds & a size 16 . . . hoping to reach my long - term goal weight of 145 pounds.
    feel free to msg me with any tips or tricks you may have tried & succeeded at. thnks :)

  • Leah,

    I think that you have had a lot to deal with in those 20 years but also, good for you for pulling through from some of the harder times.

    It's possible that your mind is still repressing alot of the abuse you received as a child and the anger inside you makes you feel the way you do.

    Have you ever thought of going to a hypnotherapist?

    Food is probably now your comfort zone, start experimenting with foods you do like, that you also know are not fattening and see what dishes you can make with those.



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