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Anxiety, dating & doing stupid things

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  • Anxiety, dating & doing stupid things

    When it comes to everything, I always assume the worst or most dire about myself or the situation I'm in. It affects my relationships. I have a history of anxiety and depression.

    So there's this cute guy from class. We went on a date, but I had to reschedule our second one this past weekend. Anyway, my mind keeps coming up with the worst thoughts ever. Oh, he think that other girl is cuter--he wants to date her. Oh, I look like crap, he's not attracted to me.

    At the same time, I'm afraid to get close to him because....idk. I really don't know. I guess, anxiety? Today, I left class without saying goodbye because I thought his body language showed that he wasn't interested. I'm so angry at myself for assuming the worst and then acting on it.

    I'm really kicking myself because I thought I learned my lesson. Five years ago--on a much bigger scale than this--my insecurities got in the way of me following my heart and it was the biggest mistake ever.

    I added him on fb after leaving class w/o saying anything, no response yet...I just....wanna kick myself for real....

    IDK what my question is...how do I keep these insecurities in check?? I've been in counseling off and on for the past few years and I'm generally healthy and counseling is unnecessary at this point (says my counselor)...it's just my brain goes crazy sometimes. :/ I'm so tired of anxiety...I can't deal with it anymore...it's exhausting and painful ...I just need feedback...
    Last edited by little_libra; 02-13-2013, 01:08 AM. Reason: typos

  • I think you just need to try to tell yourself things that you do like about yourself. I have a hard time with anxiety to, but you should give the guy a chance to decide whether or not he is attracted to you instead of just assuming that he can't be. It is hard, I know. I have been with my boyfriend for five years and I still worry that he is going to realize that I'm not the one for him and that he will leave me. But I love him dearly and he appears to love me, so I take his word for it.
    Hope this helps!


    • From a male perspective:

      I would guess that he feels just as anxious and insecre as you do, after all, I did at your age.

      He may be acting upon 'external instruction', i.e. the 'rules' as passed down by social media etc that says "you should never appear too interested in a member of the opposite sex". He may be doing this because he is unsure of himself (just as I would have done back in the day) and needs external guidance.

      Or perhaps it is a self defence mechanism, i.e. he does really like you but thinks that you are not that into him (after all, you did reschedule the second date, which I'm sure was necessary, but to him probably feels like rejection), so therefore he has to project a shield of indifference or active distain, so that if you were to ignore him then it would appear to be inconsequential to him and his social group.

      Or perhaps he really isn't into you... but I doubt it since he opted for a second date with you.

      Generally though your insecurity is very common amongst your age group (even though some people do a masterful job of hiding it) and only age and experience can mellow your feelings of anxiety whilst developing your inner strength, confidence and feelings of self-worth.

      There is a herb called 'bacopa monnieri' used in ayurvedic medicine that is an 'anxiolytic' meaning that it reduces anxiety. Am I suggesting that you take it? No of course not. I am suggesting that you do some personal research on it and make your own descision. Bacopa is cheap, well-tolerated and is also a nootropic, meaning that it will facilitate clear, quicker thinking. I am chief technical expert for a succesful nootropics company (amongst other things, lol) and have a lot of experience with this beneficial herb.

      Now, on a practical level: Why not simply sit next to him and apologise for having to reschedule the second date - I almost guarantee that 'rescheduling' will knock a guys' confidence if it happens so early in a relationship - but ask him when he's free to go out again. Tell him how much you enjoyed the date (and therefore by implication how much you enjoyed him but without the potential embarrasment of actually saying so). Ultimately somebody must take the first step at re-connecting and simply friending him on FB is not likely to be a strong enough gesture. He probably feels like you are only doing it out of pity because you feel sorry for him after cancelling the second date.

      People are weird but also lovely. Just remember that he's probably JUST as shy and anxious as you are. It sounds like you two could be a great match. Are you going to let him slip away?



      • Thanks guys for answering...

        and OMG I don't want him to think I pity him. We're in our early twenties, by the way. Anyway, I apologized yesterday for re-scheduling...there was a good, sensible reason...

        (I texted him last Friday like I told him I would, just to say hi. He was at work and the convo was short. Next morning, day of our date, he says he's having car trouble, won't be able to go anywhere that night. I say okay. I'm at work and by the time I get off, I'm exhausted and not feeling too great. He texts to say his car trouble is cleared and do I want to go out. I was exhausted so I asked if we could reschedule. He understood.)

        Anyway, that leaves us to yesterday, the last time I saw him. IDK, I just don't want him to feel like I'm not interested because that's not the case. I act strangely when I get nervous, unfortunately. IDK what to do when I see him tomorrow. I'll just say 'hi' and be friendly, I guess? :/


        • Keep being friendly with him, absolutely. Also, it might benefit you to let him know that you're just shy. My method for myself personally is to always be 100% honest about pretty much everything I am feeling. That way people always know where they are with me, there's none of the whole guessing game. I don't mind being vulnerable, and sometimes people respond very well to vulnerability anyway because it shows that you trust them and you like them enough to put yourself out there like that.


          • Originally posted by lcj14 View Post
            My method for myself personally is to always be 100% honest about pretty much everything I am feeling. That way people always know where they are with me, there's none of the whole guessing game. .
            Ha! Yes I do this too.

            It's a great strategy as long as no-one tries to take advantage.

            Little_libra, why not just tell him your honest feelings? Sounds like he would probably breathe a deep sigh of relief and smile a great big smile

            He's probably thinking right now "darn I wish I could just be open with her about my feelings". Put your best foot forward young lady and see where it takes you!

            Good luck!!!

            Oh and let us know how you get on.



            • Well i screwed up. I forgot to send him a v-day txt message and I didn't get one.

              Next time we had class he was sitting with this girl he already knew. He kept glancing over but I didn't try to meet his eye.

              Today I walked in class and we waved at each other from his new seat. He kept glancing over throughout class til the girl he was sitting with started glancing over too. I did manage to look in his direction at one point after we both commented on something in class, I looked right in his face but he kinda looked down and was laughing/reflecting on the comment I made. But we didn't say goodbye.

              I'm depressed right now about the fact that I keep acting like this. I'm lonely and I miss him sitting next to me. But I'm scared that if I show interest, things are gonna move too fast. But I don't like this feeling. I know it's my fault but I can't stand it. I totally forgot to put my best foot forward. I want to text him hello but I feel like it will be awkward. When I texted him just to say hello before our almost second date, he didn't answer. I'm ****ing myself off.


              • Originally posted by little_libra View Post
                I miss him sitting next to me.
                That's sweet. I would like to hear this from a girl if we were dating. You could shoot him a text with just those words: "I miss you sitting next to me." He keeps looking at you so obviously he's interested. Your failure to connect on the second date just probably threw things off. He's probably having some of the same feelings.
                "Those sowing seed with tears
                Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126


                • Thanks for your response.

                  I'm gonna text him today.

                  Even if it seems weird to him, I need to talk so I'm just gonna do it.


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