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Dealing With Grief

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  • Not bad kitty, thanks. I'm strong and I can handle it, I'm just not immune I guess ....which ****es me off lol. You and I are similar so I think you know the feeling, that whole "I'm a capable woman in control of her emotions so this shouldn't bother me damm it!" thing.

    People dying young is never easy, what keeps hitting me is the little after-shocks every time I re-remember.
    [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

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    • Yes, I'm familiar with the sentiment. It's been years, thankfully, since I lost a friend, but I had that similar grieving thru the course of the divorce. ;/

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      • I understand, it's definitely true that loss of relationships is a lot like a death, the emotions brought about certainly seem to be similar. Thanks for caring kitty, it means a lot to me.
        [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

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        • Hi jen1447,

          Sorry for your loss. I have had losses too not just people but other things. trying to figure out what I can control and what I can't !!
          I hope you are doing good today.

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          • Thanks day, I'm sure we'll both be okay!
            [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

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            • My dad has advice for every circumstance under the sun that he freely gives to everyone whether it's welcome or not. Sometimes he hits on something. A long time ago he told me, "Life is for the living." Every time someone dies I remember that. It seems kind of cold, but it gives me perspective.

              I see friends and family wrestle over death, dead bodies, and throwing money into the ground, when the dead really have no place in this world anymore. I give them very little room in my life. No long reflection, no massive tombstones, no visits to burial sites - just fond memories that pop up from time to time while I live life and focus on the people who are alive to share it with me. They aren't worried about me. Why should I worry over them?
              "Those sowing seed with tears
              Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

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              • I think a combination of factors can also influence how you can process the death of a friend or family member.

                When someone has been suffering for a while you still feel the loss, but you have to be relieved that their suffering is over.
                When

                I was devastated when my first grandmother died - she was relatively young compared to her family members ages when they died - and it seemed like malpractice but not something that we could prove or afford to try. But my other grandmother died at a much older age and she was not otherwise vibrant and healthy so her qualify of life was not good. I grieve for both but in different ways and with less personal pain so to speak.

                my best friend died not long ago. i think about her all the time and frequently see something or think of something that would make me want to call her. for the last year of her life though it seemed very clear that she would not survive and was unable to communicate. So technically I had time to process that she was not really there in my life, but I hurt so much for what she was going through. I am crying as I type this. But I figure if you cannot cry occasionally over the loss of a great friend then when could you.

                right now a friend of the family has dementia and has been going downhill very fast. So my parents are kind of going through what I just went through as far as having to accept that their friend may be there physically - for now - but not for long and with swiftly diminishing quality of life.

                Generally my view is it is harder for the living to lose someone quickly - no time to prepare - but for the dying, going quickly can be a blessing if pain and suffering are involved. Accidents or being a victim (of a crime or negligence)... those cause a whole other level of pain.

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                • Thanks for sharing Justice. I understand about the differences between long goodbyes and short ones (or no goodbyes) as well as ages and how that affects feeling like they were 'qualified' to die or not. My friend was neither unfortunately, but it's comforting to know other people get thru grief too.
                  [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

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                  • Jen, I saw that you had initially posted this thread a month and a half ago. I figured you probably were making progress on this. I guess I was posting not so much to tell you but to express that it can vary from person to person and from situation to situation.


                    I think just about everyone knows that time helps, but I allow myself to feel whatever I feel however long it has been. I do think that it you have to do what ever feels right at the time. When my best friend died, I and her other longest friend were both the biggest criers at the wake and funeral - more so than her husband and kids. But neither of us felt that this didn't mean that they grieved or cared less - they had come to accept it in their own ways and since they were taking care of her they were able to see it through a different lens.

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                    • Thanks J.
                      [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

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                      • Just seeing this - and decided to respond. I've suffered many losses in my life - all of which have been very traumatizing. I sometimes don't know how I got through it - but I did. Most recently, a childhood friend of mine & my stepfather passed away after battling cancer (back to back). It was extremely painful watching them both deteriorate and die of cancer, but when they passed, it was almost a comfort knowing they would not be in pain anymore. I did not go to counseling, church, etc. I somehow worked my way through the grief without all of that. Everyone deals with grief differently - I still cry at times. I try to be positive, and sometimes it's very hard, because they are not here and I miss them.

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                        • A darling friend of mine is 79. 16 months ago, he went into Hospital for a heart operation, he was very worried about it and I told him he'd be fine. He was induced into a coma for 3 months and eventually left after 6. We all sat patiently edging him on and he made it.

                          After a short period of time, he had trouble breathing. His feet were black. They realised that he obtained a staph infection whilst in the Hospital. We, his family and extended family don't believe that they caught it when they should have, worked with it when they should have. And, over the past year, it got worse and worse.

                          He is also on a Dialysis machine. He's been in hospital for the past 12 weeks. I cooked him some garlic prawns and a fillet steak within the last month and for his wife and took it in, together with Apple Danish and would visit.

                          A most amazing bond was built between the two of us (now three), over the past 3 years, I would speak to him every single day and every night, well via internet. I'd visit with D (fiancé) for birthdays, Christmas, and had coffee and cake.

                          Such an amazing man, so loved by so many.

                          I visited him 2 days ago and I visited him yesterday.

                          That was my last "good-bye" though there is no good-bye, "see you again".

                          Today his family come down including grandkids. They are such little ones not old enough to go through this.

                          Tonight, he doesn't have the Dialysis Machine turned on, he will eventually slip into a Coma and pass.

                          His toes are black, hard, about to fall off, the infection is going up his leg, he sleeps a lot.

                          He doesn't enjoy food anymore and he's weak.

                          He's too old to have his feet amputated and with 20% breathing capacity would not have made it, let alone the pain after.

                          This, was a choice he had to make. Go through pain and pass, or pass with no pain.

                          Knowing which day you are going to go into a Coma and never come out? What a brave, brave, brave, man.

                          Knowing he will pass without pain? My heart can only be happy.

                          Yesterday I cried some. More to come when his wife rings me and then, the funeral with his past memories.

                          How do you say good-bye to someone you have spoken to about your life, theirs, laughed with, day after day, night after night for 3 years.

                          You don't.... " Love you", "Love you too, see you again" a kiss, a touch on the cheek and you walk away in the knowing, you were an angel to him and he will be an angel to you and was / is so loved that he will never die in our heart of hearts.

                          I will plant a tree. I will watch it grow. I will smile . And, I will forever, remember the memories.

                          Thanks for letting me put this here on your thread Jen.

                          CW
                          PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

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                          • I'm so sorry to hear that your friend is on the verge of passing. The next few weeks will be a blur after a while. I hope you have a favorite photo or two. Go and get one printed so you can have it set near your work or favorite seat. Best wishes.
                            I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                            ...
                            Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                            From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

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                            • Thanks JNS.

                              Appreciate your wishes. Funny, as each of my precious pets died last year, due to illness or old age, I did exactly that, or screen saver. I don't want to do that with him, I don't know why, he was a bit like an angel and I know you will know what I mean. So, I feel in spirit he will always be with me.

                              The tree would be great though.

                              Just feel that it's un-fair when someone has to choose their fate instead of letting that fate happen, then again, he's blessed as he has no pain and has hung about for 16 months being able to see, talk, to his family and friends and tell them he loves them. A lot of people don't get that chance .

                              The witch in me, feels that he is blessed.
                              PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

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